“You see, truth be told, Deola never asked me out. We simply went with the flow. Or rather, I did. As the current moved me, I followed. We had been together for 9 months when he told me he was not my boyfriend. I had always been careful. I never introduced him as my man for the time we’d been together but each time his friends called me ‘Our wife’ after eating the food I had so painstakingly prepared, I wouldn’t protest. Neither would Deola. For 9 months, we went to see a movie every week. For 9 months, I would perform all the roles of a girlfriend and Deola never deemed it fit to correct me.
Anyway, that is beside the point. What amazes me is the fact that all my friends blame me for being stupid. I must mention that during the 9 month period, only Jane vehemently expressed the opinion that I should ask Deola exactly what we were doing, the remaining two girls said I should let sleeping dogs lie and not ruffle any feathers. ‘Let him be, in due course, he’ll let you know where you stand’, they insisted. Now, it is the very same two girls who accuse me of being slow. Jane has been mute all through my speech of how the relationship between Deola and I has finally been defined- as nothing.”
Never go with the flow. It leads most people nowhere and the others to heartache and a life of uncertainty. Only a negligible few have good tales to tell of how going with the flow have landed them in a good place.
Going with the flow is for the weak, those who have no self confidence and are so grateful to be in that ‘relationship’ that they dare not ask for its definition. They are happy with the crumbs. Even if the bread never comes their way.
You might think you are being a good, understanding, meek, wife material by keeping mute when things are not quite right. You are wife “material” but it might never get past that.
You allow yourself be walked all over. You say, I will be one of those who through faith and patience inherit the promise. No. It doesn’t work that way. That passage of the scripture refers to God not ‘your’ man. Only God requires us to keep quiet, trust in Him even when things don’t seem right. Don’t place such confidence in a man. He does not even have such confidence in himself.
In the end, men like Deola end up with a girl who’s courageous enough to ask, ‘what do you want from me?’ from the get go and mean it, ready to walk away if the answer does not meet up with what God has revealed to be His plans for her life. You might do all the clothes washing, bathroom scrubbing, shirt ironing, yam pounding for him but that would not make a man who has no intention of anything serious with you suddenly say, ‘wow, she makes a wicked Egusi soup, she must be my wife!’
Finally, remember, only women usually enter into something with one mindset and along the line, ‘fall in love’. It hardly happens to men. On friends with benefit (aside of its traditional meaning, benefit also includes: companionship etc), a man once told me that the concept of friends with benefit is perfect for the male folk and the woman usually goes to mess it all up by beginning to realise how great the guy is and how if she tries harder, he might see how great she is too. So don’t be thinking you can make him love you.
Desperation makes us go with the flow. Confidence makes you pause and ask, ‘where is this leading?’ Keep looking unto God, the Author and Finisher of your faith and never settle for anything less than His best for you!
Originally posted: October 29, 2012