Don’t go with the flow!

You see, truth be told, Deola never asked me out. We simply went with the flow. Or rather, I did. As the current moved me, I followed. We had been together for 9 months when he told me he was not my boyfriend. I had always been careful. I never introduced him as my man for the time we’d been together but each time his friends called me ‘Our wife’ after eating the food I had so painstakingly prepared, I wouldn’t protest. Neither would Deola. For 9 months, we went to see a movie every week. For 9 months, I would perform all the roles of a girlfriend and Deola never deemed it fit to correct me.

Anyway, that is beside the point. What amazes me is the fact that all my friends blame me for being stupid. I must mention that during the 9 month period, only Jane vehemently expressed the opinion that I should ask Deola exactly what we were doing, the remaining two girls said I should let sleeping dogs lie and not ruffle any feathers. ‘Let him be, in due course, he’ll let you know where you stand’, they insisted. Now, it is the very same two girls who accuse me of being slow. Jane has been mute all through my speech of how the relationship between Deola and I has finally been defined- as nothing.”

***

Never go with the flow. It leads most people nowhere and the others to heartache and a life of uncertainty. Only a negligible few have good tales to tell  of how going with the flow have landed them in a good place.

Going with the flow is for the weak, those who have no self confidence and are so grateful to be in that ‘relationship’ that they dare not ask for its definition. They are happy with the crumbs. Even if the bread never comes their way.

You might think you are being a good, understanding, meek, wife material by keeping mute when things are not quite right. You are wife “material” but it might never get past that.

You allow yourself be walked all over. You say, I will be one of those who through faith and patience inherit the promise. No. It doesn’t work that way. That passage of the scripture refers to God not ‘your’ man.  Only God requires us to keep quiet, trust in Him even when things don’t seem right. Don’t place such confidence in a man. He does not even have such confidence in himself.

In the end, men like Deola end up with a girl who’s courageous enough to ask, ‘what do you want from me?’ from the get go and mean it, ready to walk away if the answer does not meet up with what God has revealed to be His plans for her life. You might do all the clothes washing, bathroom scrubbing, shirt ironing, yam pounding for him but that would not make a man who has no intention of anything serious with you suddenly say, ‘wow, she makes a wicked Egusi soup, she must be my wife!’

Finally, remember, only women usually enter into something with one mindset and along the line, ‘fall in love’. It hardly happens to men. On friends with benefit (aside of its traditional meaning, benefit also includes: companionship etc), a man once told me that the concept of friends with benefit is perfect for the male folk and the woman usually goes to mess it all up by beginning to realise how great the guy is and how if she tries harder, he might see how great she is too. So don’t be thinking you can make him love you.

Desperation makes us go with the flow. Confidence makes you pause and ask, ‘where is this leading?’ Keep looking unto God, the Author and Finisher of your faith and never settle for anything less than His best for you!

Temi.x

 

 

Originally posted: October 29, 2012

27 comments

  1. Nine month is a long time to do d right thing , don’t blame yourself so much, you just learnt your lesson, but one thiing you cannot take away from men in a relationship is their ability to see through the tearing eye.
    Don’t forget that he might just realised you are too good for him.
    He is not your man iif he is he will stay but babesI kept wondering if you are the one that just assumed those duties you performed or he requested for them if the later then he just used you. Truth be told he must have exhibited attitudes that suggets he is not into the whole relationship thing. You it happened there was this girl I know that spent eight year in that kind of relationship later the guy just showed up with a girl as his fiancee so be thankful

  2. Totally on point, couldn’t agree more. I split up with my ex over undefined terms he wasn’t willing to define and 5 months after he is engaged to someone else. I clearly wasn’t the ONE for him. I’m glad I “woke” up and didn’t waste my time further.

  3. This is soooo right. Guys always wanna make u ‘go with d flow’ coz they aren’t willing to make any committment. I guess its their escape route when dey get tired of u, forgetting that women have feelings too. Never be afraid to ask that question – ‘What Do U Want From Me?’ Even though its very likely they’ll lie to u still LoL!

  4. Definitely true…i have a guy who is a friend but keeps saying things to encourage a relationship with him but if i ask him some questions, he becomes evasive. well, i for one don’t go with the flow and i ask questions to determine if we are both on the same track that is if i like you enough to contemplate a relationship.

  5. Thanks. Really do appreciate your work. this is an eye opener for women. No more suffering in silence and thinking this is the way we were created to function. big ups!
    Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

  6. Hi Temi, the lady in question was just plain stupid (for lack of a less harsh word). She “performed all d roles of a girlfriend” for 9 whole months and neva bothered to define the relationship. I’m sorry but I just can’t relate to that. D fact dat a guy takes u to d movies every week for 9 months doesn’t mean he’s really into u, he probably saw her as a buddy(one of d guys) who came with d added benefit of free home cooked meals, girlfriend benefits without him having to make a commitment to her. A good package if u ask me.
    I’m sorry she went through that but if one is “going with the flow”, u don’t go “performing all the roles of a girlfriend” because you are not his girlfriend, u are just “going with the flow”.

  7. I have not checked in here for a while because I thought it was getting boring, but the last several posts are great quality so I guess I will add you back to my everyday bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

  8. Wow! And i thought i was the only one who was of this view.if a girl assumes she’s in a relationship when the guy has not opened up about what he wants from from her,she’s simply burning her cable(chasing other guys away).

  9. Didn’t realize u’re back. Been checking this space for a while and there was nothing new. I’m glad you’re back.
    Read this post and wow this is about what I am going through now . In a relationship for over 3years that I don’t even know where tis heading or the defination and I am even afraid to ask in case we both have different views.
    Thank U for this write up. Now I understand it is lack of self confidence and desperation that is making me afraid.
    Now I’m going to sit down and think deeply and take the necessary actions. The Lord is my strength
    Thank U very much Temi and God bless!

  10. Nice article. But i’ll like 2 explain dt its a double edged sword. Ladies also do it. She gives all d signals dt she’s interested in you. U even try to be cautious but she really gets closer and closer. Then u ask her out and she refuses. What do u think causes dt?

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