Help! He never forgives!

Hi guys!

How are you doing? So much is happening around the world and even here in our precious country, Nigeria. From flooding to bombings to all sorts of insecurity here and there. Even in the US, Sandy is not smiling and I hear it’s gradually finding its way to the West Coast. I saw pictures on Daily Mail and I was weak. I pray God protects everyone all around the world from all scourges they might be facing-Flooding, Hurricane, Suicide Bombing, False Accusation etc. God help us all. Amen.

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Let’s take a stab at this guys!

“I’ve been dating this guy for 11 months and it has been all kinds of amazing, all shades of beautiful. He is decent, respectful, caring, nice, friendly. He is from my town in Imo state (a big deal if you’re from my family). I genuinely think I have kissed the last frog and he is the Prince I have been waiting for BUT there is one issue: he is so unforgiving and vindictive.

Whilst he was ‘toasting’ me and we were in the tell-me-about-you phase, he mentioned this to me, stating that it is a struggle he was battling with but that he finds it hard to forgive anyone who offends him. He also mentioned that it is the little things not the big things that tick him off. Subconsciously, since that day, I have been walking on eggshells around him. I censor my jokes. I hardly kid around him and I try to be proper. These are not big deals so I didn’t mind. I tell lewd jokes anyways so change in that area of my life is welcome.

A few weeks ago, I went out with him and his friends and watched him blatantly ignore a particular guy all through. In the car as we left, I asked him about it. To my utter amazement, I discovered that the guy he was ignoring all through was not even a random guy but was his cousin who had offended him 5 years ago by being rude to his mom. He was drunk that day and got rude, not only to my boyfriend’s mom but also to her sister who is his own mother. The next day, he had come over to apologise, beg, prostrate and my boyfriend’s mom had long since forgotten about it but not my boyfriend who vowed never to have anything to do with him. He boycotted his cousin’s wedding in February this year and blatantly acts like he doesn’t exist.

In my attempt to be a good wifey, I said, ‘babe, don’t you think that’s ungodly and not good enough? You should forgive him o. You are blood’. The response I got from him shocked me to my core and even as I type this up, I am still reeling in disbelief. ‘Look here, my friend, if you ever mention this matter again, you will not like the outcome. Stay out of what does not concern you.’ No one taught me how to go mute. I was shocked at his obstinacy. I was hurt by his words to me. All the way from VI to Ogudu where I live, we spoke not one word. He dropped me and just said ‘take care’ and zoomed off. It was me that called him the next afternoon to say ‘how are you?’ as the silence was killing me. The conversation was short.

I then read an article about giving guys space and not being too clingy or trying too hard so I decided not to get in touch with him till he does so. I even went as far as planning to ignore his first few BBMs or calls, whichever came before finally responding. I never got the chance. I didn’t contact him throughout Monday and neither did he contact me. Tuesday same. Wednesday same. On Wednesday, I decided to update my status and be dramatic bewailing the death of an ‘uncle’ I never knew that well. I put this up: Death where is thy sting, Uncle not you! and changed by dp to a lighted candle on a black background. My boyfriend ignored it. On Thursday at about 3pm, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him. He didn’t pick at first. I called back a minute after and he picked. I told him how I was feeling and he reminded me of a few things:

1. He had told me in advance he hardly forgives;

2. This cousin extra hurt him because the wrongdoing was on a family member-people he does not mess with. To make matters worse, it was on his mother;

3. I butted in on something that does not concern me daring to preach to him; and

4. Did I not think that other people would have tried to settle this all these years? Who do I think I am to be telling him what is godly!

I stood there stunned. All I could say was, ‘I didn’t know. I am sorry’. We eventually ‘made up’ and carried on as normal but I just cannot shake the episode off.

The way he can keep malice with a family member with which he once was tight bothers me. Who then do I think I am to escape his lingering venom? I suspect he is the type who can live in the same house with someone for years and never speak with them. The sad part is that I really like him and aside of this, he is almost perfect.

Another side of me argues, can anyone really be perfect? Even I have my own problems. Does that then mean I should be discarded immediately? Should I pray and fast for his change? Or should I just realise this battle is not mine to fight and walk away because I might one day be a recipient of his unforgiving nature?

Help!”

What do you think people?

Temiville.xoxo

46 comments

  1. Advice to your friend: This might be a very bitter pill to swallow but my dear please walk away now with your two legs now. The red flags show almost always from the beginning of a relationship but just like we all do, we pray and hope it would go away or never ever affect us. My dear, that is round one, u ‘messing’ with him and he chose to ignore you for over a week or so, what would happen if you mistakenly do something else? For example, what if you handled food to his mum in a way he didn’t like and you guys are married?! The silent treatment can ‘kill’ or drive us women crazy! Please and please don’t damage ur mind/heart because of this ONE man. You are too special! You can fast and pray for him but please don’t let him hurt you bad. May God be with you!

    1. You’ve said it all.

      To poster – One of the qualities of love is forgiveness, if this man cannot forgive, he cannot love, and one mistake you can’t afford is to marry a man who does not love you. You may be perfect in his eyes because you walk on eggshells, are proper, etc, but for how long? None of us is perfect, and in any long-term relationship we stumble, and often! Any one who cannot forgive is a landmine in such a marriage. Don’t get into it.

      For the sake of this man and his future, you have to pray for him not discard him. In addition, you have to talk about it. He might cut your relationship, and in that case you can walk away. But who knows, if he cares for you at all and wants a future together, he may crack enough to accept to see and discuss with a therapist or a pastor.

      All the best.

  2. Wow..I think your friend should leave this guy. Cos, she can’t keep walking on egg shells around him. Sooner or later, she’s gonna do something that will upset him and he would treat her like his cousin. She can’t pretend to be who she is not just to please him. Guy has to learn one way or the other that he has got to forgive. If she marries him and they have issues nko? He is going2 treat her like this and hurt her. You can’t change him. This battle is not urs. It’s God’s.
    Besides, he was disrespectful to her. What kinda guy speaks to his gf like that? And he couldn’t call her when she changed her DP abt d death? *smh*

  3. Nwa nnem! RUN!!! Run in such a way that your heels are touching the back of your head…your “ogo”.

    Nobody’s perfect but trust me, you don’t wanna get caught up in that. Forever is too long to live miserable and in malice. The signs are everywhere and what worsens it is that bobo isn’t willing/ready to address the situation or get help. You have done your part. You are neither the Holy Spirit nor His assistant, you will never be able to change bobo. Drop all you are feeling and make like Usain Bolt. Life can be beautiful abeg..

  4. Yay!!! Temi is back…if only for a few weeks 🙂
    My dear friend, pray very very hard for him but if he doesn’t change, u need to start praying for your own husband cos a husband who doesn’t forgive will give u hypertension very soon and he’ll make u age faster than u should.
    God help you.

  5. Besides, why on earth should I spend my life walking on egg shells around someone who should be my closest ally?
    Lemme share something…I knew when I met my hubby that he was anything but perfect. I really really liked him..just because. I knew he was a keeper when one day he said to me that I could tell him ANYTHING..even if I did something really bad/stupid and even if he got mad eventually, I should know he’d forgive me fast but whatever I told him would be our secret and he wouldn’t ever use it against me. A while later, something came up that would break most relationships. Bloke gave me a GOOD piece of his mind, was hurt for daaaaaays but eventually we came through it and I’ve never heard a reference to it. It’s been six years since. That’s intimacy..knowing you can be your worst and someone still thinks you are the most amazing creature ever. Pls do not mortgage your beautiful life over an unforgiving partner oh..there are plenty people with beautiful hearts in this wide world. Love should be liberating, not stiffling/unforgiving.

    Temi sorry for the epistle, please.

  6. Babe, who ever you are please walk, like seriously. And never look back. He might be a nice guy but you can’t live with him o. I know his kind!

  7. What eva you can’t endure while courting will only gets worse afta marriage because what ever you can’t change about someone before marriage you can’t ever change after marriage except with the intervention of God, however you should also know that change comes from within.
    Am sure the writer knows what’s best for her, she only needs the courage to take a step.

  8. I agree with what a lot of other readers have said and even though no one is perfect(as you said), I believe strongly that some imperfections are not to be tolerated. You walk on eggshells around someone that’s supposed to be your best friend is not a good sign at all, in marriage you will walk on coals of fire believe me. An unforgiving person makes a bitter person, a bitter person makes an impossible spouse.

  9. U already have the answer, my sister! Pls walk away…that’s my advice.
    Imagine this scenario…he comes home from work dead tired and hungry; and dinner is halfway done. He didn’t eat breakfast as he normally does…and he skipped lunch at work cos he had a deadline to meet (but u don’t know that). He gets mad that his food isn’t ready (even though u also had a long busy day at work)….and goes to bed hungry. That’s probably the start of a lifelong grudge against u….cos u’re married. Imagine a lifetime of silence with ur supposed soulmate….
    That might be what’s waiting for u if u go ahead with this relationship…and that’s just 1 incident out of hundreds that just might set him off.
    I’ve said my (lengthy) piece! A word is enough…

  10. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this story ur telling me. Pls my dear if u love urself u bera end this rship. He told u about his unforgiving xter and he also told u that he is working on it…duh!!! He aint bcos if he couldn’t bring himself to say a civil hello to his cousin, this tells you its a trait he has embraced. Yea he mayb a nice be a nice guy n all but dats just surface his true self is wht he hs told u. Pls run for ur life….after wht he told u on the fone, u can be sure ur turn is just round d corner n it aint gonna be pretty

  11. I say – Keep move sister!!
    If he can ignore you have an issue like this which wasn’t your fault what would he do if you both had a fight? He isn’t even showing any sigh of remorse or wanting to change so I don’t think he’ll be worth the headache or heartache if you stick with it.

    I think you should sit down with him and speak your mind because at the end of the day there is absolutely no point of being in a relationship or marriage where you can’t be yourself. That’s like having a life long prison sentence!!!

    Good luck!

  12. I’m going to use what has become a cliché here, and that is RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, and run as fast as you can.
    Granted, no one is perfect, we only try to be, but if he can’t find it in himself to forgive a cousin who committed an “error” in his drunken state (who apologized when he came to by the way) then who are you that he’ll forgive you if you “err”?
    Please walk away. But before you walk away, let him no the reason you are doing so, that way he can think about it (hopefully) and reconsider his ways.

    It may hurt you considering that you think he is the one, but i’ll let you know that you found him, so there are still many great guys out there that you can still meet.

    Finally, i’ll leave you with this, the fact that you have pointed it out simply means you are uncomfortable with this attitude. Deep down in your heart, you know what you should do. I’ll urge you to go on with what you know is the best thing for this situation. It will hurt but there’s always light at the end of any tunnel.

    cheers!

  13. Please leave while you still have the chance! The point of a relationship and love is to be yourself around your partner. If you need a nip and tuck here and there to present yourself as the perfect bride, it’s not worth it! Marriage is a relationship between two forgiving people !!! This road leads to doom and disaster!

  14. The questions you should ask yourself is can you handle that behaviour from him till he’s ready to change? Do you know how soon he will change? Does it look like he’s working towards changing that behaviour?? If your answers are mostly yes,then goodluck and pray hard cos you will need both.If your answers are mostly No, then please waka forward. He has serious issues which is manifesting during your courtship,If he can do that to his own blood, I dread what he will do to you if you offend him.

  15. Hi Temi, welcome bk. As 4 ur frd, the comments here said it all. Unless she wants to endure and die in her marriage or maybe she has plans of becoming a divorcee later in life. The bible tells us among other things that LOVE keeps no record of wrongs. So this is a big issue 2 deal with oo. Ekwuchaa m!

  16. I was going to play the devil’s advocate and tell you to pray for him. There’s nothing prayer cannot change. I mean, my brother was almost like dis guy, unforgiving even to his family, but because we prayed, my dear, that attitude is all gone. My brother doesn’t have an ounce of unforgiveness in his system, thank God.
    Having said that, I am of the opinion that you should leave him, don’t run away from him. Explain to him that you can’t stay with him any longer cos of his “problem”, cos seriously, people like him can kill, but u would like to be friends with him. Then on ur own, make it a point of duty to pray for him. If u guys are meant to be, somehow, u will.
    No need to fret, you’d be fine.

  17. Two choices.
    1. Pray and even fast for a change of heart for him. With God nothing shall be impossible.
    2. RUN!! Communicate with your legs and move fast! Unforgiving people usually seek vengeance and you will DEFINITELY offend him in the course of your relationship/marriage, same way he’ll offend you too.

    Pray like your life and sanity depends on it or RUN

  18. Just think about it…there will be dozens of things you, your family members, your children, their friends, their friends’ parents etc will do to offend your husband over the years. Getting married to this guy, you will end up being the one dealing with all the consequences of his endless anger and wrath. It will be ugly.
    You should definitely pray and fast for him but DO NOT marry him except you see the results of your prayers.
    My best advice will be, take a walk and believe that a man who will give you peace all the days of your life is right around the corner. I’ve seen it happen.

  19. Now situations like this leave me somewhat confused. Given that le dude has said that he does not forgive and le dudette has experienced firsthand said character, i do not understand why she is still wondering what to do.
    a husband should be one who forgives, one who can see your silly girly tantrums for what they are

    1. Aaarggh!!!! The curse of the touchscreen phone!
      Was talking about being with a man who can love you even when you are silly and not one who will blow his top at almost anything.
      so i will advise le girl to gently let le boy be or she will see what he has promised her.
      #end of story!

  20. Imagine the next 50+ years of your life like this..Please redefine what happiness means to you and evaluate accordingly..I was in similar situation with my ex and I came to the conclusion that if he changes good for him and let someone else enjoy him but I wont sit around waiting for him to change..I deserve so much better.

    Walking away is hard especially if you consider him perfect but remember bible talk say a man that cant forgive wont prosper because he has no love in him, so imagine yourself in a limited marriage/relationship in the sight of God all because of disobedience and immaturity..Dont waste your time my dear..Pray and ask God for the courage to walk away and remember when you are about to walk away, the guy will cry and promise you the whole world that he will change, dont be fooled by it and stand your ground and remember why you are leaving..Make sure to explain to him dont be vague about it cos then there will be hidden questions you wished you asked or answered. Dont let all the good things he has done for you lure u into a life of misery and uncertainty..The root of a successful marriage is love which seed is forgiveness and the fruit of the spirit. All the best..A broken engagement/relationship is better than a broken marriage/life

    P.S all this tribe thing, lets just say my ex was from my tribe and after the whole relationship thing, I concluded a good man is a good man and I stop restricting myself to just my tribe. My parent even stopped all the tribal thing..Right now I am seeing someone from a different tribe and I am so so happy..When the right bobo comes, pray before presenting him to your family, what God has ordained they will have to embrace one way or the other.

  21. Hmmmmm…I cant walk past without commenting…I remember Pastor Bimbo Odukoya (of blessed memory) defined Marriage as “Two forgivers living together”…key words “TWO FORGIVERS” not ONE forgiver…I believe that God has allowed this issue and a clear example of same to come to your attention…my mum keeps saying “you are not the Holy Spirit and neither are you Jesus who has been sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercessions for us, so you can’t change nobody”…trust me darling, his unforgiving nature will KILL you…..kindly dont put your life on hold cause of Him…ask God to bring your God-ordained spouse and you can be rest assured that when He leads you, there will be rest…there will be issues, but you can always go back to God and say “Father, You led me…so intervene in this matter”…I hope these few points of mine have been able to convince you and not confuse you that YOU DESERVE BETTER…xoxoxoxo

  22. My dear there are things you can pray about and expect changes,first from the way he sounded he seemed pround and unforgiving that’s the worst trait to find in a man dear I mean he is so comfortable with that about him reasons he bragged about it reminnding you that he doesn’t forgive, I knw when I met my guy he smokes like chimney I kept reminding him of the danger of smoking to his health I didn’t stop at just I was mentioning It to GOD, I read sm books on habits and I armed myself with some positve nuggeet on good habbit it got to one point he stoped smoking not just that but he traced his smoking habit to drinkinng and now he doesn’t smoke nor drink bt in his case he accepted that its not safe or good for him bbt just that its hard for him to stop with prayers and encouragemmennt he stoped
    My advice;
    1.you must remember thaat the best waaay to be married and remain married is to love and be happy with your. Spouse and receive saame in return
    2.In every relationship there are bound to be misunderstanding here and there
    This guy at the two instances may not be what you can cope with so u have to make up ur mind on your happiness

  23. Someone with an unforgiving spirit? HELL NO.
    Run sister, run far away.
    Do you know what it means to be unable to forgive? That’s a very terrible thing.
    RUN now that you can..RUN

  24. She doesn’t need to walk away she needs to run away …usain bolt style ….not being able to forgive someone is a strong battle his facing and until he deals with that there “almost perfect” relationship will never grow into perfection.

  25. Run away fast!Forgiveness is an important factor in marriage that u can’t play with. How long do u wanna keep walking on eggshells? If u know u don’t mind living in misery stay, but if u do wisdom says until he deals with that problem he won’t and can never b ready for marriage
    Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

  26. My dear sister please Stop this relationship now, am presently married to a man who told me he does not forgive but i was bent on praying and fasting am still praying and fasting for 13 years and now am looking for a way out, i have been miserable from the beginning please do not end up like me, you need your happiness am praying to be released from this bondage, please am speaking from experience don’t marry him, please i beg you the Lord will provide your own man, who will forgive without any problem, please it might be tough but the Lord will see you through.

  27. You’re better off with him being a serial killer. imagine yourself in a marriage with him. Most times we’re not aware we’ve wronged someone, you’ll just have to adjust to having a husband who snubs you. The guy failed the very first of commandments, when getting married you’re told to tolerate and .forgive each other. unless you know you’ll NEVER offend him (you’re better off trying to freeze hell).
    C’mon dear, 5 years? seriously? thatz half a decade. imagine being that mad at someone that wronged you in 2007.

  28. I just love MCLA readers…we rock. Everyone’s mind is working. Temi don’t abandon us for too long again oh, see what we’ve been missing 🙂

    1. i was just thinking the SAME thing! i’m so glad everyone is in agreement about this cuz sometimes Christians like to do Holier than thou: there’s a place for prayer and fasting and there’s also a place for wisdom/common sense. Girl, as you’re praying and fasting, please simultaneously walk away from that relationship.

      People above have made very good points about living in a house with someone who can keep malice for year. Seriously think about it, can you live with that for the rest of your life? this type of man can ban your mother or other family members from coming to your home because of an offence. can you live with that?

      Be thankful that God has been gracious enough to show you this trait so explicitly before you say ‘i do’. God won’t leave you hanging if that’s what you’re afraid of. In His own good time He’ll sort you out. You just continue to live a life that Glorifies Him.

      So much for me having nothing to add lol.

      Temi, God give you the grace to juggle MCLA and law school! we really missed you!

  29. ‘Or should I just realise this battle is not mine to fight and walk away because I might one day be a recipient of his unforgiving nature?’ My friend, MOVE ON, people who bottle things up are like dormant volcanoes. This chap may turn violent if he loses his coll, and I’m sure you don’t want to be around…

  30. My dear, RUN for your dear life. I agree no one is perfect but this type of behaviour is usually a deal breaker eventually. And hey, dont worry another guy will come along.

    Ps. Temi, thanks for remembering those of us in the East Coast. It was quite a scare her in NYC and we are still battling the aftermath.
    All the best in Law School.

  31. Na wa o! which part of the RUN do you not understand?I say RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN…….. U would definitely offend this guy and he would show you his true self.Live him to rot in his immaturity.I sooo Dislike childish guys, a whole five years!mschewwwwww

  32. My dear,
    No one is perfect and in marriage , a couple is bound to step on each other’s toes.If he can keep malice for 5 years , (even me that used to keep malice before dint go that far) then he’s not worth it. More also , he’s killing himself daily because bad emotions is what causes the likes of cancer and co. It is his types that suffer stroke or suddenly slump and die.Life is toooooooooo short for unforgiveness. 5 years malice? c”mon. Abeg , for your own good , walk away if he is not willing to change.

  33. Dearie,run for your life oo. He might disown your son if he(your son) offends him.you should be free around him and not act like there’s a dynamite about to explode. If you are scared around him,you’ll forever live in fear.release your wings and fly,otherwise,let go.

  34. I think most people have said it all. However, I’d say start with prayer- but for that to be effective you have to go to God with a clear heart, ready to leave if He tells you home boy isn’t your battle to fight. Because the bible tells us that God will give us up to the idols in our hearts if we harden our hearts against Him. At the end of the day even if you do end up leaving, you would have sown a seed of prayer in his life- a seed that will bear fruit in the life of your own husband.

    Love keeps no record of wrongs and it covers a multitude of sins. Forever is a long time to live with someone who cannot forgive you. This is the person who should be your best friend, how can this be if he can’t even be a friend by showing forgiveness.

    True no body is perfect, we are all struggling with different issues, so you can show this young man the love he is incapable of showing you by taking his case to God the only person that can change him. With God all things are possible, so lets start with God.

  35. Temi, I believe for you to share this means your heart is troubled about this guy which to me means the absence of perfect peace, and when peace eludes you about something God himself is not in it. Secondly, staying with this guy has serious spiritual implications, I believe you are a christian, this brother is not matured, as forgiveness is a fruit of the spririt every child of God must possess, the word of God say, if we do not forgive those who offends us God will not forgive us, so staying with a man like this means you will be living with persons who God is not going to favour due to his unforgiving heart. Then marrying him means you will tie your destiny to his and really you don’t want to do that, beacuse it means you will become one with an unforgiving soul who can in turn cause destruction. God loves you and wants the best for you. My advise is walk away, and trust God for someone who has a genuine loving heart and a teachable spirit

  36. Hear me o, because this is experience talking. My ex is the same way. the slightest thing will become unforgivable. He is divorced, and when I see the way he hates his ex-wife, even though I hate her for hurting him, me sef dey wonder whether all that hate doesn’t take up some of the space meant for love in his heart. His brother, last brother o, who is like his son, a Uni student, did something displeasing. He had the child locked up! Somebody whose fees he pays o. I beg tire. I talked myself into a migraine, then kept quiet when he stopped talking to me.

    Of course my own day came, when we had a problem. I tell you, I was forgotten in an instant. People begged on my behalf o, but I was dead to him.

    One day it will be your turn. And depending on how much you have invested in him by then, you can have your heart broken irretrievably. Don’t say nobody warned you. A person who cannot forgive does not know how to love.

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