Help! Mom and Dad say no!

Hey people!!!

Hope you’re well. Let’s take a stab at this guys! The abridged version was published on Bella Naija earlier today 😀 This is the original /unedited draft.

Enjoy!

***

Niran and I met a year ago during one of those Nigerian Job forums in England. It was an exhibition featuring some of the best employers in Nigeria and it was a ‘strictly by invitation’ event. So we all pretty much felt honoured to be there and there was this look of respect you had for the next guy because you know immediately that he must be an academic G.

It was at the GTBank stand that I saw him. I was asking the lady at the stand if they would employ a Law Graduate with an MBA but no BL (Nigerian Law School degree) when he stood beside me eagerly waiting for their response.  I looked up at him and could not but smile. I’ve always had a problem with fine guys, they were my  Achilles Heel. He was no exception. Tall, slim built, yet muscular, fine facial structure. He was very clean looking. The lady had started responding but there I was, still admiring God’s work of art. Quickly, I slipped out of my reverie in time to catch the last few sentences. Then I promptly moved on to the next stand, embarrassed at myself.

Hot!

‘You didn’t get what she said, did you?’, a deep voice said behind me. Lo and behold, it was Mr. Hotstuff again.

‘Erm, some of it’, I mumbled.

‘I noticed you were a bit distracted and given her open ended, non-specific response, I would have expected some sort of questions to follow from you’.

He then went on to explain the lady’s response to my question. To be honest, I really didn’t care for what he was saying as much as how he was saying it. He was really hot.

I found out he was doing his Masters at Jesus College, Cambridge after having finished with a First Class and also second best in his year in Ife. It took a while to become friends because I had to first of all get over my infatuation with him. That took a few weeks of totally ignoring his calls and refusing his self invite to Manchester to see me and also refusing to go to Cambridge to see him. I don’t know when exactly or how exactly it happened, but I stopped being so ‘star struck’ and started seeing him in a normal light.

The next time we saw was during the Festival of Life programme in London two months after we first met. He had come with his church bus and my friends and I had driven from Manchester because we could not make the timing of our church bus. We planned to meet up during the Testimony Time and we did. We strolled to the very back to get water and I realised I was nice and easy around him this time. We talked for a few minutes and went back to our different seats.

When he offered to come see me the following weekend, I did not protest. His friend was also in Manchester University and he would use the opportunity to see him too. He came on Saturday afternoon and went first to his friend’s to drop off his little bag and then came to see me. I had such a great time. We went shopping for his dad’s birthday present and got him a Sheaffer pen. His little sister was going home and would deliver it to him. We then went to see a movie and then had dinner at this lovely Asian restaurant at Piccadily Gardens called Rice afterwards. On Sunday, he met up with me and we went to church together, had lunch afterwards and then I saw him off to the train station to get his 5:15pm train back.

As I waited for a bus back to my house, I was reeling with excitement. I could not believe what great time I had had. You see, as someone who likes fine guys, I know very well that most of them are either cocky, stuck up, stupid, unintelligent, proud, taken or all of the above. So you can imagine my feeling of good fortune when I found out that Adeniran Ola-Baker possessed not one of those vices. He was so humble, respectful, kind, intelligent and fun to be with. I also found out he comes from a family of geniuses. His father is an alumnus of Oxford and currently a dean at Unilag. His mom has 2 Bachelors and 2 Masters degrees. His younger  sister was in the final year of her PhD programme at Nottingham at just 26! I felt a bit intimidated but he was quick to credit it all not to their hard work or natural gift but to God’s grace.

We carried on with our friendship for another 3 months till he asked me to be his girlfriend with the hope of one day becoming his wife. I was so excited. I said  a fast yes. I had prayed about him and felt so much peace in the relationship. It was as if God had come to wipe away my tears because I had kissed a few frogs in my 25 years on earth. When thoughts of him would fill my head, this song would spring up in my heart:

Oti mu mi gbagbe o ibanuje igbakan. Ashe were ni ishe Oluwa. Obati a pe toun je

The song translates thus: You have caused me to forget my past sorrows. You work speedily. The God upon whom we call and he answers.

I was indeed in a very happy place.

Our Masters programme ended and it was time to go home. We both decided against getting the Post Study Work visas and went straight home. I had met his sister, ‘Lope. She was not the geek I expected her to be. In fact, she was exceptionally fashion conscious and an ‘it’ girl for a PhD student. I just assumed all PhDers were geek glasses wearing and braces wearing. We became good friends during the  period I was in the UK.

Niran and I were on the same flight back home. My mom and 2 sisters came to pick me up whilst his mom and dad both came to pick him. That was the first introduction of our families and it was short and sweet. Two weeks after arriving Nigeria, he invited me to his parents’ to meet them properly. It was such an ordeal deciding what to wear. My mom had said ‘no English outfit’ but my big sister was the other voice saying, ‘be yourself and wear what you’re comfortable in’. In the end, my mom won and I wore a really nice yet simple Ankara dress and kitten heeled pumps. I had my hair in a bun and wore my favourite earrings.

His parents live in Unilag somewhere along a street called Ozolua. He had come to my house at Shonibare Estate to pick me up that Saturday. We got to his and his mom welcomed me with the biggest hug ever. I felt immediately at home. She was a plump woman with friendly eyes and happy disposition. She was extremely welcoming. She apologised that her husband  was on a call upstairs and would be joining us shortly. It was a very relaxed meeting and it went well. If Niran’s mom is described as friendly. His dad would be described as funny. He told one joke after the other and had me in stitches all afternoon. It was also interesting to watch his mom laugh so hard at his jokes after 32 years of marriage. It was a good afternoon.

On our drive back as Niran dropped me off, I asked,

‘Niran, I saw another girl featuring a lot in your older family albums. I thought ‘Lope was your only sister’. He went quiet for a while and I felt bad thinking maybe she had died and I was scraping at healing wounds.

‘Yes I do. We are three kids. She’s older than I am. She’s 31 this year’.

‘Oh wow! What’s her name? Where does she live? Is she also a genius like you guys?’, I asked smiling, relieved she was alive.

‘Her name is is ‘Lade, Omolade. She lives here in Lagos. She has some problems’, he said dismissively.

‘Oh, what kind of problems’, I probed.

‘She was committed to the mental institution two weeks to her Bar Finals when she was just 20. Last year was her 10th year in the Psychiatric Home. She graduated with a First Class from Ife at 19 but never got called to the Bar’. He said this as a matter-of-factly with zero emotion. I was literally open-mouthed for 5 minutes or so.

‘I’m so sorry’, I gushed, not knowing the appropriate words to speak. He dismissed it and apologised for not telling me all along. We had already gotten to my house by then. He dropped me off and left.

As soon as I got home, Charlie’s Angels were waiting for me in the living room. Charlie’s Angels are my mom (who we’ve given the pet name, Sisi Joke, as all her numerous female friends call her that), my older sister, Sisi Lara and my younger sister by 10 months (we were both born in 1987), Sisi Bisodun ( she is a December 25 baby hence the ‘Bisodun‘ which translates thus-born into festivity. I have no brother so my dad is the only male figure in the family. I should also add that there is a strong influence of my mom’s sisters in our lives. They are all very close and very involved in each other’s family. When we were younger and offended my mom, one of the 6 sisters was sure to come by to give us a good telling off. It’s like we have 6 mothers really. Anyways, back to Charlie’s Angels.

‘It went so well. His parents are so cool. I had a great time. I found out he has an older sister who’s not well’, I said of the meeting at Niran’s.

‘Eh yah, what’s wrong with her?’ Bisodun asked.

‘Erm, she’s ill’, I mumbled. How does one say it? I thought to myself.

‘What kind of illness?’ Impatient Lara quipped.

‘She’s insane. She went mad during her Bar Finals 11 years ago’, I blurted. To hell with the political correctness.

‘Oh my God’, ‘What?’, ‘Damn!’, the three of them said at the same time. We all bemoaned the poor girl’s fate for a while and then changed the topic.

At about 1:30am, my dad and mom strolled into my room, interrupting my Dexter.

My dad was fumbling with his fingers. My mom on the other hand, sat down on my bed and began,

‘My dear, your dad and I have discussed things long and hard and there’s no way we are going to sit back and watch insects crawl into our eyes. You are a young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can’t marry into a family where madness runs. It is hereditary and I won’t have a mad man for a son-in-law nor have mad grandkids. You need to break it off with him and fast too.’ My mom was emotionless. She spoke as if she was a newscaster speaking about some remote girl’s fate and not like she had just shattered my very being.

I sat there mute, looking at my dad as if he should help me and save me from my mom’s unreasonableness. ‘Dad’, I began.

My dad cut me off saying, ‘the earlier you break it off, the faster you will heal. We spoke with Aunty Biola whose husband is a psychiatrist at John Hopkins as you know. He told us unequivocally that madness induced by studying is hereditary meaning your offspring is susceptible to it and in fact, also Niran. I’m sure if we dig deep, we’ll find out about other members of the extended family who also have the problem. I’m sorry dear but I withdraw my blessings on your relationship’.

I was devastated as I watched my dad speak. My mom is known to make decrees and still change her mind. But my dad is soft and so hardly speaks BUT when he does, we all know no Jupiter can make him change his mind.

***

I confided in Lara about it. She’s a non-conformist and I chose her because I knew she would support me. She did but gave me reasons that I myself could not rationalise, insisting that if the worst comes to worst, I should go get myself married at the Ikoyi Registry and tell my parents I’m married. She also blamed me for telling them accusing me of always telling my parents everything and never learning from my past experiences of how badly they handle sensitive information.

I eventually spoke with Bisodun. Bisodun has always been the family oracle, very intelligent and also extremely rational and pragmatic. She is also a lover of God so I knew I would hear the truth from her, even if painful. Here were her words,

‘Sis, this is indeed a toughie. Whilst I believe in the power of prayers regarding these issues of hereditary diseases, the truth is our parents’ faith is not on that level. And you must get parental consent. You absolutely must. I don’t support you going ahead not because of the disease of the mind of his sister but because of dad and mom’s resolve. Hold it off for now and begin to pray hard. I’ll join you and we can even start fasting from tomorrow. Now Sis, our prayer is not for mom and dad to change their minds, no. Instead, it is for God’s will to prevail.

I love Niran and you together and when I place him besides the losers you have been with, I am personally pained at the thought of you guys not being together. However, sometimes, the devil brings a counterfeit of God’s plan for our lives. It looks so good, so perfect, so right but it is not from God and his blessing is not upon it. And consequently, one trouble or the other will keep rearing its head. I will never tell you that being with God’s choice will mean there would not be challenges, NEVER. There still will be but guess what, ‘Ishe Oluwa kole baje-God’s work cannot be hindered. So if it indeed is God’s plan for you, we need to call on God and tell Him, Oh God, you gave me this and the world wants to destroy your gift and take it from me. Arise and show up in my favour. Let your perfect will prevail in this matter. He will definitely show up and defend his handiwork.

You need to quit this starvation you’ve put yourself on and all this weeping. You need to encourage yourself in the Lord and I know God will definitely answer our cry like he answered that of David when the Amelikites invaded Ziklag and took all in 1 Samuel 30. BUT remember, David first of all inquired of the Lord whether or not he would recover his possessions. It was not until God told David that he will surely recover all that he pursued and then overtook. So hun, this is our period of inquiring. Let’s first of all seek God’s will, the rest will follow. The heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord and like a river of water, He can turn it as he so wishes. So babes, forget mom and dad for now, they are not the real matter at issue. When God says yes, they dare not say no so let us hear God say his yes first.

***

As great as Bisodun’s words were, I’m still torn. There’s no way God can say no to a love so true. Why give me someone that brings me so much joy only to snatch him away? Why should I leave Niran because of fear, not even mine, my unbelieving parents’? He is not mad and can never be mad and I know I can not have a mad child.

I still speak with Niran and we still hang out. I have found reasons to give him for him not coming to mine anymore and for dropping me off at the Estate Gate when he does come. How can I tell him my family rejects him because of something that brings his family pain? How?

According to Bisodun, I’m to tell Niran I want to seek God’s face for something for a while and during that period, I’m not to communicate with him. She says I need a severance from him in order to hear God speak clearly. That is easy to say and I know myself, it is just impossible to pull it off. Plus, our relationship has never been that way. We discuss all our problems and pray for each other so this ‘problem’ I have that requires solitary confinement would definitely have him raising an eye brow.

So many questions running through my head: my parents are not such strong believers. Is it not praying parents you obey implicitly? Is his sister’s illness really hereditary? Why did I open my big mouth to tell my mom? Why did I not make my parents find out after the wedding? Should I go crazy and get married without their approval? Should I open up to Niran about my predicament? Would that not make him judge my family? Should I go ahead and have a clean break from him whilst I pray?

What do I do?!

***

Let’s muse guys!

Temiville.xoxo

14 comments

  1. Have a clean break $ seek God,pray and let God direct you. Don’t go crazy $ marry secretly cos parental consent is important . so in love with Bisodun’s encouraging words. God bless

  2. This is very dicy, I believ she should pray about it. The truth is , most times our parents see what we don’t especially when our mind is clouded in love. In this case she needs to pray about it and really consider it. If she does go ahead and have kids and it does affect them or one, she would live blaming herself forever. So, she needs to chill, put love aside and pray hard about it. It reminds me of a similar scenerio, a guy is madly in love with a gal and finds out that they both are Hb genotype AS, in this scenerio you need to push love aside and think of the kids you would bring into the world and what you may be subjecting them to. Ofcourse not the same eg, and the guy definitely would marry someone. In these hereditry things it could be recessive and totally not affect anyone of her children but then again could be a dominant trait and present in some. Hence the ultimate solution is to get down on her knees and pray about it. I wish her luck n Gods grace in her decision.

  3. this is kind of dicey. But let me say this ? #penny for my thoughts#?
    okay here goes?

    I have been in a situation where i thought he was the one.And let me tell u all the RIGHT signs were there. And i mean ,they were all there;that he was the one. Until one red flag after another…..it was the woven tapestry came apart like a woven sweater,,,,,so fast,i couldnt say stop ‘fast enough’.

    What am i trying to say? Even the devil has counterfeits. Ishmaels exists in every aspect of a females life. Now adays i have made it a point to ask God about choice of everything down to jobs, to friends, to what i say and how i say it.

    In Kenya. parental consent is not that big a deal but spiritual is. People crave Gods consent more than they crave parental but thats not to say it shouldnt be priority. (we dont even carry out hg blood tests for ss and as)

    My mum has once told me that ‘not everything they say is wisdom’ its only the best ‘wisdom they can put forward….as they know best …and at the time…according to their experience …which may be limited’…

    so yes,don’t ask for God to sort out your parents, ask the right question…..before you have invested too much…and cried too many tears.

    its hard to potentially know God may say no but trust me,that no? will be the best caution cushion your life will ever have.

    xoxo

    Yasmine’

  4. Reblogged this on educatedajebutter and commented:
    hey everyone

    its Tuesday…when we discuss something interesting .I am sure each one of you has something to say regards this. most imortantly what would you do? the question of love is a toughie…. and not one we often rationalize..let alone ;spiritualise’. what am i saying? we don’t even think it through.Let me know what you would do and if you know someone who has been through this….tell us how it played out?

    Love, Light and exposure!

    yasmine’

  5. this issue and d comments make me ask a question. why do we go back to ask God again for confirmation about something we were confident he approved from the very start. I’m jus wondering oh; could it be right to be asking God if he is sure when challenges come?
    Temi, good right up as always- my advice; tell him d truth,(including ur parents spiritual depth) He’ll understand, ask God for his will, and also his peace while you wait. Dont rush to marry without ur parents consent- parental consent too is biblical.

  6. It’s funny how life deals us cards dt we hv no part in its decision.my advice would b2 rily seek God’s opinion coz wednt get 2 choose our parents or our families,d only choice u hv ctrl ova is d choice of a life partner,so we nid do it well.LUV isnt d only criteria4 marriage,aldo it’s essential,we need knowledge as well.I bliv if it’s meant to be it will be,might take awhile bt it is sure.i wud advice her2 undastand her parents concern,it’s like d biggest bubble burster bt i bliv evrytin has a way of workin out4 gud.TAKE COURAGE§TRUST GOD.

  7. @cozygal I was about to ask the same question. But matters like this especially when emotions are involved are very hard to deal with.
    Parental consent is very very important. This might be God’s way of telling you that Niran isn’t ur prince.
    Pls take ur sister’s advice and pray very hard about it cos u probably didn’t pray well b4 u went in and u just heard ur heart telling u its already falling for Niran. While u’re at it, stay away from him cos if u keep seeing him u’ll hear ur own heart speaking and not God.

  8. Reblogged this on beforesheimplodes and commented:
    Hmmm. ok this is another one i have to reblog. This issue might tear me apart too, even though all that Bisodun (you would find out who that is in the post) is what is best really. Would i be able to wait it out, would you be able to wait? One must have a very strong relationship with God to not be torn i guess…seeing as he is NOT the author of confusion…

  9. The first question to ask here is do you really trust God? I mean do you really believe that the plans He has towards you are not of evil but of good? Do you really believe that He wants far better for you than you can ever imagine for yourself? Do you believe His Word does not return to Him without accomplishing that which He sent it to accomplish? Romans 4:21“fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised.” If you believe all this then what are you afraid of?

    God is the first step of everything; both you and the young man have to hear from God- it’s on God’s word that you build your relationship/ marriage. The first thing I believe you need to do is tell the guy your parent’s position, if he leaves then you have your answer. He does not love you enough to even fight for you. Do you really want to be with someone who at the slightest sign of trouble is out the door? What happens when you are then married and the devil keeps throwing obstacles in your way? Can you trust such a person to stand by you no matter what? The next step is for you both to seek God and find out what He says about the situation. The reality is that you can only hold God to what He has said about your situation and not what you say about your situation. If the guy is not willing to pray then alarm bells should go off in your head. You might not pay for this now, but you might pay for it much later when it matters most and will hurt more. After you have fought for him and your parents say yes, he might now come and tell you God told him someone else is his wife, and the reality is you can’t contest that because he never heard from God concerning you.

    If God has said you guys are for each other, there is no power in heaven or on earth that can change it. The bible says the hearts of kings are like the rivers of water and God turns them whichever way He pleases, if God could cause Pharaoh (whose heart was hardened against Him) to let the Israelites go, then changing your parents mind is a piece of cake. Isn’t it God that created them?

    God will not send you where is grace will not protect you. So if He says this guy is the one, then believe that He will change the mind of your parents and protect you from whatever is affecting the guy’s family (and maybe even use your prayers to bring about restoration and healing to the afflicted members of the family).

    So what both of you need to do is take time apart and honestly seek God, even if your relationship is not physical, it’s emotional and the enemy can use said emotions to cloud your judgement. It also shows that you are willing to yield yourself to God (think of Abraham and Isaac here, Abraham was asked to give Isaac up, the promised son that he had been waiting for, yet he trusted that God knew best), it shows God that even though you want this guy, you are willing to give him up if God wants you to. What you need to consider here is that do you feel you know better than God? Do you feel that if God says no to this guy that He will not give you someone better? I think you need to ask yourself what you really believe about God and what He wants for you.

    Another thing is you really need to be open to hear the truth from God, because the devil also speaks (through our flesh) so you have to be at a place where you are willing to lay down all your own desires if God asks you to. In order not to turn this comment into a post on its own, you can read more about being made willing to be made willing to do God’s will when you have your own preferences.

    So in conclusion, getting married without your parents consent is not the way to go, it just shows that you do not trust God to resolve the issue.

  10. Never under estimate the place of prayee.. This is one thing our generation mostly lacks. She shud take her sisters voice, severe ties with him, and seek prayerful solace. She’d be amazed by what is revealed in such times….

  11. There are many causes of insanity, the mind boggles on how without foreknowledge of the sister’s medical history her uncle was able to diagnose accurately that the illness is hereditary. The ‘madness’ began while she was studying but could well have been triggered by something else. Pray, but use wisdom too. Many marriage have been blessed and pre-approved by parents yet have ended unceremoniously. Your parents will be happy when the grandchildren start to arrive 🙂

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