If you call it ‘settling’, then yes, I have settled

I’ll be getting married on the 3rd Saturday in May to a man I am not in love with.

***

An ideal romantic, I have always believed in love. I looked forward to being swept right off my feet by Prince Charming. I’m the type who would weep over a love tale well told and cheer as the couple in the movies kiss and live happily ever after.

Now, however, after a really bad relationship and 28 years in the bag, I have realised that that feeling of being in love is overrated and is the final and most negligible consideration in looking for a mate. Any guy I loved never loved me back to the degree I loved. They were bad guys, sharp guys that special kind of fine guys. It never lasted. Most relationships I have been in, I have been the 70% giver, while I’d make do with whatever measly 30% the other party offered now and then. I’d lap it up like a thirsty kitten, grateful for the occasional love thrown my way.

Bode was the worst of them all. Everyone warned me against him, even his sister who loved me as her own. I stayed with him for 26 months of my life and even when we split, it was he who did the breaking up. He had cheated and cheated, it got to the point that I was now grateful to be called or visited. I stopped checking his phones because I knew what exactly I would find there and I could not bear the pain anymore. I would complain and scream and he will get mad at me for snooping on him and eventually, I would be the one apologising for not ‘trusting him enough’.

I would purpose in my heart to break up with him but find myself staying on the minute I heard his voice and he talked that talk to me. He turned me into a shadow of myself. I became a crazed out girl keeping tabs on his every move. I’d go out weekends with him just to ensure he does not hook up with any other girl. I’d randomly show up at his because I heard a lady’s voice in the background when I called. Eventually, he did the breaking up himself telling me he doesn’t deserve me. I never thought I’d beg a guy to stay with me but I did. I begged Bode, told him I wasn’t complaining. I even told him that I understood that because we are age mates he might feel the need to spread his tentacles and that I would patiently wait for him to outgrow his ways. He passed on my offer.

***

I’ll be getting married to Tayo. Tayo is born again. He doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak. He doesn’t dress so nicely. He doesn’t get me or keep me excited. But in him, I’ve found peace and joy. Tayo would leave whatever he is doing if I need his help. He would ALWAYS drive down to the airport to pick me up when I come visiting him in Abuja. It would have been more convenient for him to have me take a cab. The day he offered to do that, I was surprised. Bode would NEVER do that. At his kindest, he’ll ask his driver to come get me. He’ll probably simply ask me to get a cab and he’ll pay. Tayo would never sleep until he has spoken with me, prayed with me and wished me a good night. With Bode, I’d be the one calling and calling.

Tayo has showed me that it is possible to have a good guy, a guy who cherishes and respects you and most importantly, loves God and puts Him first. His level of consideration towards me still baffles me. I never knew such was possible and this is why I shied away from a relationship with him initially.  It all seemed too good to be true. But it has been 11 months of courtship and he has remained the same steadfast, loving, caring man I first met.

As I walk down the aisle, I am sure my belly will not have butterflies in them but I’d walk down confident of the fact that I am placing my life in the hands of a good man. A man who takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love. A man who values family and togetherness and would put me before anything and anyone else. A man with whom I am sure I play second fiddle to no one but God. A man who would be a good role model to our children. A man who would stand by me no matter what happens in the home.

My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it. But right now, I’m in a happy, content place.

I might not be with the handsome charmer I longed for as a young teenager. He might not have the best physique in the world. He might not have funny things to say to me all the time. He might not be able to make my heart do somersaults. He might not have the latest clothes and shoes nor know the latest slangs young peoples say. He might not understand my love for E! news and Yoruba movies. But of this I am sure:

I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me. I’m with a man with whom I feel safe, secure, looked after, cared for, pampered. I’m always relaxed. I don’t have to check his phones or wonder who he is speaking with. My heart doesn’t have to skip beats when he is not with me. I don’t have to call him 10 times before I get one call back from him. I’m not pressured to do anything ungodly instead I am challenged to draw closer to God and know Him more that I might be a deserving wife to the man God designed for me and that I may bring him as much joy and bliss as he does me. If you call this settling then yes, this girl HAS settled.

Regards,

Folu…

***

I’m not saying this writer is right and has selected wisely but Tayo clearly seems like a better choice than Bode. Many times, we ladies prioritise the wrong things. We place the cart before the horse. We look first for butterfly feelings and put that feeling of security, warmth and peace aside. We put God second and put feelings first. We dismiss a good guy for a fun guy. We dismiss the voice of wisdom, that small still voice telling us not to go ahead, or even to slow down. We damn the consequences and end up getting burnt. I pray God leads us and that we follow His leading. Amen.

Love,

Temiville.xoxo

411 comments

  1. Settling at times settles all that is needed to be settled in one’s life. She might think sher settled now but its the future that will determine. Whatever happens a woman or man needs a spouse that will make it worthwhile sharing the rest of their lives with him/her, and guiding/working alongside them towards achieving their destiny.

    1. Personally, I think we ladies miss the point. Just as Folu here has totally MISSED the point. Why does it have to be one or the other? Ehn tell me. Why does it have to be either he is ugly, short and rich or he is fine, tall and poor? Why does it have to be unattractive, boring and godly or hot, fun to be with and cheating? Some people, my dear Folu, have it all. Well, maybe not all but all the basic things they need which hun, include that mushiness, heart skipping beats and everyother thing you like about Tayo.

      Babes, you ‘ve set your wedding date but I strongly urge you to postpone it. If not, I’m not cursing you oh, but you will end up CHEATING ON TAYO and running off to be with either Bode himself or his kind whenever the boredom and lack of excitement is getting to you.

      See my older friend married at 34 and herself and her husband met and married within 10 months but she is HAPPY. They are always laughing, playfully arguing, going to the movies and having a good time. And yes, he is born again! There were other guys that came her way as she waited but she refused to settle. Never settle my dear. NEVER. Cos you will hate it eventually. My mom settled. Though she and my dad have been together for more than 30 yrs, it is not a loving relationship and we all know it s cos of we the kids they stayed together, now they are used to the arrangement. Babes, be wise. Me I can never join the people who advocate settling oh. Cos you wont be happy and it will be chooking you when you see your friends and their spouses having fun and all you and Tayo do is fun-less.

      Think!

      1. You took the words right out of my mouth….Tayo is a comfort zone and once you are there you will now start looking for a fire!!! Unlike what mum told you, SEX DOES NOT MAKE LOVE GROW. If it did, why didnt the randy dude love you back???

        You are marrying for the wrong reasons girl and hey…You are being unfair to ugly (implied)Tayo

      2. You and A Fun Guy dropped the best comments. Made too much sense. Couldn’t have put it better. Well, I cld have but too many comments. Lol

      3. Did u miss the part where she said she’s been with Tayo for 11 yrs?? She’s happy, she’s drawing closer to God, she content by her narrative and u want her to postpone the date becos there’s no fun thing?? Pleassse! The guy loves her and she’s making the effort to do same in her own way..all they need is time together and he will gradually understand her person and her need for the ‘fun’ (I’m beginning to wonder ehat dat means now)…babes enjoy ur marriage! Waa wa alright.

      4. What are your thoughts on marriage? What do you liken it to? I love to compare it to us and God, that’s even how the scripture compares it at times. God is amazing, right? What is He has put them together so that “Folu” will see His goodness, and draw near to Him? Your experiences on people and marriage may not be the best, and you’re not to blame for it, but you can get the truth out of it.
        I ask again; God is amazing, right? Cos I see Him working on her heart even before they get married, and making her live Him (God) more than anyone else. If she loves God first, she won’t just be content, she’ll have lots of love to give out– “you can’t give what you don’t have”..
        Come to think of it, at 28, many relationships gone wrong and then broken hearts. If it has been so broken, what will she have to give? Who mends the broken heart?
        God so loves us, He wants us to stay holy for Him so He can take care of us in every way. “We” so rebellious, wanna do it our way. We let the media and people tell us how we should live, or what we should expect to see..

        If Folu can see this, seek God with your heart. Love him first and let Him give you love for your dude, He can do it, trust Him..

        God is amazing, right?

      5. Thetoolsman is correct! I say so with regards to being happy! Well its difficult to chAnge Tayo into her kind of man as some might suggest! But mind u marriage starts after the wedding day! Questions asked: should I keep waiting! Most guys n babes just hookup with a partner because waiting is no more an option! AGE FACTOR u know! Trust me when your in Folu dear make the best of it, kneel n make things happen for u! Again learn to do things right and he will repond to ur taste! Remember girls learn to be submissiVe.

    2. There is a theory known as the 80-20 rule; the paraphrased explanation of it is that in a marriage you should expect to get only 80% (give or take a few points) of your wants, desires and needs met. The remaining 20% may seem “to-die-for” when you are not getting it…but the reality is 80% outweighs 20% any day, anytime. It may be that Folu has found her eighty in Tayo…. If so, that’s her reality. Granted 11 months (KayShawy take note :-p) is not the an astronomically long time, but its sufficient enough for a woman to make a decision if she feels she’s found the “he” she can live with.
      Truth be told, we all have our individual realities to live… whats most important is we live it to the fullest and savor whatever joys there are to be derived therein.
      #Justmy2cents

  2. I actually don’t think she settled. I think she got the better deal…..he doesn’t have to make her heart skip a beat for him to be the one…the more you interact, the more the attraction will grow I think….looking at her list of his qualities, what more could she ask for? And trust me, if she wasn’t attracted to him, she wouldn’t settle…. someone once said, if you marry the right person but treat them wrong, it would be as though you married the wrong person, and if you married the wrong person but treat them right, it would be that you married the right person…. as far as I am concerned, all things are possible to them who believe….

    1. Bee, i TOTALLY disagree with you… The more you hang around, the more attraction will grow? Really??? Then pray tell, how come for the past 11 months of courtship and probably more of knowing him, the attraction hasnt grown?

      This is just a Mr. Nice Guy and she is convincing herself that it is impossible to have A Mr. Nice yet Mr Hot and Mr Godly. But it is possible!!! People it is possible! Stop with all that talk of focus on what will be sustainable because trust me, love though not just a feeling involves feelings too. At this rate, everything she does for him will be as though it is due to a sense of duty. See, personally, I have been in a relationship where everything I did was effortless why? Bcos there was love. Yes today we are not together anymore but it was because of some other reason not cos he was cheating or nothnig. I’m rushing to type but I wish Folu is reading this…

      PS: this story sounds like one girl’s gist I heard about who lives in NY. If it is her then I pity her oh cos the girl is said to be really nice just unlucky in love and yes, with this Mr Born Again tayo, she still sound UNLUCKY adn PITIFUL, born again or no Born Again.

      Think!

      1. think!!! i am literally standing in my room and cheering for U!!! because i am glad someone finally spoke up!!!! GOD bless you for sharing the truth!!!!! and it is the truth because this was my life !! yes i lived that life for 3 years in a relationship with a man i thought i would grow to love and feel attracted to, i was wrong!!!!!!
        I hurt him unintentionally and he hurt me, we hurt each other but mostly i feel as if i had never settled in the first place a lot of pain could have been avoided. This lie of love will grow for me is not true if there is little passion there to begin with!!!! we as christians shd stand up and tell the truth because i grew up hearing that it was ok if the guy was a good christain guy and loved u, if u didnt feel the same in EQUAL measure it was ok,,,,, well i learnt the hard way, IT IS NOT OKAY!!!
        GOD is an exciting God, he is passionate,he is colour, honesty, purity and truth and HE has blessed me with a man who loves him,loves me and for whom i can love unbashedly with all my heart in equal degree!!!that is GOD!! and it is possible!!!

      2. I totally agree with you,thanks for making this a lil clear for someone like me who is in between settling,with the hope that the every other thing will fall into place.The church doesn’t even help much when it comes to this issue cos they make you feel you are just unreasonable when you have a guy who loves you,who believes in God,has a good job etc and you just don’t seem to be on the same page..

  3. Oh Tayo is clearly better than Bode. I am always of the opinion that a man should love the woman more than she loves him. Yep when they start having sex she would grow to love him. If she doesn’t like the way he dresses she should buy stuff for him and tell him she would love him to look well dressed. If he doesn’t know how to say sweet nonsense then she should tell him how she loves to hear the sweet nonsense once in a while. He strikes me as a man that would do anything for her. My husband watches discovery channel, CNN etc, me I watch Disney channel, but we have learnt to understand each other and compliment one another.
    http://www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

    1. A man should always love the woman more orelse the relationship aint going nowere, but nowadays laidies always look for guys they love cos of what they see from outside.

      My advice to all ladies out there is that we men can be very funny
      what a lady that a man love does is always right and what a lady that loves the man excessively does same ,the man feels irritated or gets irritated .

      so to all ladies BE WITH WHO LOVES U AND NOT WHO U LOVE cos he his shiny ,cute, rich or smart. make una wise up

    2. Spot on…just spot on!!! I am also “of the opinion that a man should love the woman more than she loves him”. However, at the basic level, she has to love him, he just has to love her more.

  4. If that’s “settling”, then may my fellow single females α̲̅πϑ I all get men like that to “settle” for. Butterflies α̲̅πϑ heartbreak = Miserable life. The butterflies will definitely come. Wish her all the best.
    P.S- hope this is a true story Temi, cos I’m gonna relate it to my friends as such!

  5. This is my worry. When the going gets tough in a marriage, we think about those things that made us fall in love with our partners in the first place. Those things are hardly ever practical. They are mostly inexplicable feelings like the way he looked at u, his reaction to ur silly jokes, the way he teased u. All of that mushy stuff. Yea he calls u, picks u up and all that stuff but does he meet ur emotional needs.
    I’m not trying 2 b pessimistic or anything but I think it is just the same as a guy marrying a woman because she cleans, cooks and keeps a good home. 99% of those guys seek the excitement outside to make up for what they don’t have at home.
    Lastly, you mentioned you give a 70% and receive 30% in your previous relationships and that has always been a problem. I think in future, you will come back to that place because clearly this new guy is not giving you that 50% you want. It’s seems ok for now because he is giving what you didn’t have in your previous relationship but that doesn’t necessarily make him a good choice.

    1. My point exactly!!! Let’s be realistic, this love/marriage topic is tied to emotional connections/feelings. Where’s the connection/chemistry? What keeps the fire going? Folks should read “Songs of Solomon” in the bible to truly get the “emotional gist”;)

      1. God bless you o my sister! very very important to have that connection. Those things that are making her ‘comfortable’ now may be the things that will get on her nerves later.

      2. lets go to church a bit guys why does the bible say men love your wifes and women respect your husband. why was there any courtship or dating in the bible(and your reason might be olden days) why is it that the western word has the highest % of devorce rate in the world and the so called arranged marriages lasts. I have a class mate of mine she is indian she says to me when I am ready to marry I will ask my parents to find me a good man from a good family to settle down with and i was like wow where didi that come from and she says being a tenager is quiet different the butterflies are irrelevant for a woman she fall in love with any man who provides shelter puts food on the table and treats her with respect and puts her first that literally all a woman wants so she settled yes she might have but Having been married for a decade I can authoritatively say she made the right decision marriage is a symbiotic realationship the way you treat a woman will bring out the best in her what you put in you get out kapish

    2. I just have one comment…. what happens when all the picking up from the airport, one call and he’s right there by your side stops when you are married, because IT WILL REDUCE AND EVENTUALLY STOP… that’s the way men are wired… he moves on to another project.. starting a family… building… a house for his family… dating and marriage are 2 different things…. don’t make the mistake… You need to see beyond what you are seeing now…. love him beyond the way you do right now.. At times we love for just no reason… and that’s the real love…A wise man once said… A woman marries a man expecting him not to change but he does, while a man marries a woman expecting her not too change but she does…., once you are married, you are going to expect more from him and if he can’t meet your needs.. u will complain… love him for the person inside not because of what he portrays himself to be!!!

  6. OK, I am going to be controversial here ohh…

    I just think its a cliche when people say God blesses us with good people… I don’t believe anyone is good. But I believe some people have good intentions and motives, hence it transcends into their character. I must say I have a different mindset so stories like these do not shack me or rock my boat. I just want the dude to have the whole package, be Godly at the same time HAVE A PERSONALITY(I do not mean he should be superficial/vain)…..

    Can I just clarify:

    Difference between attraction and Love.

    Attraction

    Having a strong attraction is normal i.e. butterflies, heart skip, goey feeling etc etc the whole shabang etc… However, it does not equate to love, its normal your body is responding to what your eyes sees, which your brain process and in turn the nerves connected to the part of your brain that sense something goods goes with the flow… you can say its a feeling or infatuation. . We humans have desires therefore we are mostly attracted by what we see or feel. Now, the difference is some people act on it and make false judgement and some people DO NOT cause they know its what they see (its ok, your body is just reacting).

    LOVE

    Now LOVE is a decision we make. I make mental decision to LOVE someone that means I should be ready to lay my life for them, work with them, support them through the thick and thin and just be there like God is for us and JESUS does for us basically incorporate 1st Cor 13. Now, with love I might not get the goey feeling, or my heart skipped etc. I know what makes me down for them deep is deeper than emotions…. After all it is this LOVE that remains after all the goey feeling dies down..lol..

    But God knows, I like to find my HUSBAND attractive and LOVE HIM. I want to get goey feeling because he is just so on point with everything and yes, I want to feel nervous around him and @ the sight of him I want to go gaga and get excited. At the same time I want to LOVE HIM and do what it takes to compliment each other.

    My point is: They are guys I find attractive but I will not indulge in it or encourage it. Why: nothing good will come out of it from both sides. It is normal to be attracted to people, what is clear is DO NOT ACT ON IT. However, I want/need both attraction and LOVE. I am very dynamic individual with quirky habits and I want HUbby to be quirky and COOL too. I WANT A RAINBOW…lol. But then again, God knows what I need and he will only supply my needs so if I do not get goey feeling, will have to deal with it. But I will still confess, I want to be attracted to him in all levels…….

    abeg pardon the essay ohh..

    http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.com/

  7. Settling into love is not a bad thing, but I think the attraction and compatibility has to be there too. If she’s already listing things the guy sucks at, believe me, those things will multiply after marriage due to the proximity. I wish her the best.

    1. You couldn’t have said it better.
      I think this lady has seen herself unworthy of love…and getting all these attention and niceness from a man is just getting in the way of her good thoughts.

      She may not cheat on him after they marry,but if in 11months she still isn’t attracted to him,she definately would get tired of the marraige.
      Does the man know she feels this way? Why is he settling? Both of them should deal with their sense of self,it needs building up.

  8. Temi, i’ve being a Bode to my sweetheart but i cherish her like a Tayo. I feel so guilty i slipped over from one end to the other unconciously. Thanks for actually showing me what I’ve done. With the help of God, I am coming home.

    1. @Bayo,I’m so moved by your comment.Please go home quick before you lose a jewel…and go with a rose or something (wat’s africa’s equivalent for roses sef?)

      1. Equivalent to a Rose will be a Blackberry Bold. He he he. Just messing.
        One thing I know is that you can’t force it. She thinks love will come after sex…hmmm that’s definitely a very long shot.

  9. I agree with Bee A. Marriage is work! Dont ask me how i know, even though i’m not married yet. The things we look for are usually not the most important. While i believe it is a two way thing and both parties must be willing to ‘work’ at the relationship, I also believe it is a wise decision to take stability, marurity, wisdom and willingness to learn over all the fireworks, sparks and butterflies, because when the chips are down, that feeling of butterflies may just turn out to be diarrhoea on the way! 🙂

    However, i also think it is wise to go with someone you find presentable physically and otherwise.

    http://www.royremi.blogspot.com

  10. Some how I already thinks she loves him. She just doesn’t know it yet. There are two types of love (at least for this article). Lustful love and true love. I believe her heart still lusts after bode. that is why she has not come to fully appreciate Tayo. The day she is truly over bode (aka the tool). that lustful/passionate love will finally blossom with Tayo…
    Best of luck to her!

    P.S
    Hey Temi,
    its been so lon since I read your blog..I finally figured out how to follow it through blogspot!! Yay!! 🙂
    lol

  11. There’s still danger lurking in the corner. If having sex is what will eventually cement their relationship, the outcome is bound to be disastrous when the guy happens to be very terrible in bed. Her future happiness should not be hinged on some unreliable postulations.

  12. It is vital to consider God’s omniscience. If she is convinced He is behind this, that is enough

    We are very tempted to gravitate towards where we are led by the influence of Eros, but Eros is fleeting (though not unimportant)

    My mother faced a similar dilemma. Looking back with her now, she sees how God used my father as a covering over her life and a source of immense blessing (even though he was quite an unfashionable choice at the time)

    It ALWAYS pays to listen to God, He has comprehensive knowledge of the future, we don’t

  13. Weeellll, I’m happy for her dat she found a gud man who totally loves her d way she deserves to be loved. Everygirl deserves to feel totally loved. Buuuhhh…I’m nt sure it’ll all b great later just becoz sex enters d picture. Dats nt always true. Sex can either make or break dat relationship. And marriage is a forever thing. Its d reason why we hv so many embittered and frustrated parents and so many divorces in our generation.
    I believe there is a nid to fEel something for d man I intend to marry. But moreso, I believe it is imperative dat he loves me more dan I do him. But to feel no love wat so ever…hmmm no not gud.
    Becoz I feel as I do for d man I intend to marry, I find it a whole lot easier to respect him d way he deserves to be respected no matter d circumstance. A woman must respect her man and a man must love his woman. Dats d recipe.
    But I hope it works out for her. I hope she gets toe curling sex after marriage. And I hope she grows to love him and thus respect him.

  14. D bitter truth 4rm a bold & beautiful heart. I pray dis story mkx a difference in d hrtz of all lost & bleeding ladies. Remain joyful.

  15. As an experienced man, I know this lady is not a ‘MUMU’, she know watin dey. Now, obviously she has been having sex with Bode, and there is a school of thought, if you have a good sex, you will be a monkey for your guy and even beg him when he offends you, (loving, caring, fooling yourself, and ready to take all sorts for him), just like what she experienced with Bode; NOTE: because of good sex. Now she has not started having sex with Tayo, all the things she has enumerated about Tayo shows he is a good man, how about the sex part which she has experienced with Tayo? So let’s wait and see what comes out after Tayo does the bedwork and not make hasty conclusions. I bet you if this lady don’t have good sex like she had with Bode, she will fleeee.

    1. Mr “Experienced Man”, I’m sorry but you make no sense @ all. To this lady, I wish nothing but the best. The only advice I will give is that you think well within yourself and NEVER gamble with your happiness. Also pls be honest with the man you are dealing with, he has a right to know of your true feelings.

  16. that was indeed nice. That is always message i do preach to youngster, although am still a youth.
    You must know wat u need and wat u want. There are two big differences. Ur Need is essential and ur want is extravagant except u put a check to it.
    Sorri make i no give sermon abeg.
    Nice one. Way to go gal!!!!

  17. that was indeed nice. That is always the message i do preach to youngster, although am still a youth.
    You must know wat u need and wat u want. There are big differences between the two. Ur Need is essential and ur want is extravagant except u put a check to it.
    Sorri make i no give sermon abeg.
    Nice one. Way to go gal!!!!

  18. grace, am touch by the way you express your fears & feeling here.
    in fact the second guy love you more than you love him.
    he may not be as romantics as you desired him to be.but there is one thing, he is your God choosen husband.
    with time after the marriage you shall discovered that you love him for his human kindness & for a better happy marriage life.
    he love you &respect you that is why he chose not to difile you b/4 marriage.
    am happy for you,grace.

  19. Any man who genuinely loves God shall surely love his wife and home. Love is not all about sex and fantasies(those could come after marriage) but I guess what most ladies call “fun” is simply SIN in God’s dictionary! Set your priorities right, love God and serve Him faithfully and “Mr charming” shall be added to you as ‘jara’.Tayo(the born-again one), I belive is the right guy for you.

  20. this is life 4 u, sometimes i wonder if one could ever live his or her desired life style, u can never ve it all right but god know what we want at euery stages of our lives, what a wonderful world.

  21. First i must say that i am not 100 percent in agreement with the writer but she is right on many levels.
    i have been tempted to settle because all the guys i love, never love me as much. But i realise that Myne Whitman’s comment is right; if you can list his flaws now,it would only worsen with marriage when he has become more himself with you.
    I am tempted to say i am giving up on love but i am not.Though i’m not perfect, i know i’m a good person who has so much love to give and i believe i deserve same and i am getting same. i’d rather lose 3 or 4 years waiting for him that spend my whole married life wishing i had waited.
    xoxo,
    Oma
    http://lifethroughomaseyes.blogspot.com

    1. While i want to say i like the the story of the writer, i differ with her attitude like i believe Oma does. If u are not yet satisfied with what u seem to be getting, work on yourself and continue to do so while you continue your search until you get what u want and believe you deserve. Otherwise, you may not find it easy to feel fulfilled in the future especially if you think that you settled for less.

    2. As a guy I enjoyed reading your comment glad you are co signing in agreement with this marrigage like most of the female comments i have read so far also when you meet your speical person make sure to punch them and ask them what took them so long to find u! lol

  22. I commend her, because it takes a lot of will-power to marry someone u arnt in love with. I honestly haven’t gotten2 dat stage of desperation. I just pray to God everyday that when the right man comes, He’ll make me fall in love with him. I’ve left a lot of losers in my wake too, but I’m still so optimistic.

  23. Myne has said what I was going to say. if it disturbs you now, it will disturb you x10 in the future. We all get tempted to settle but sometimes, i believe we should hold out for that perfect person that embodies all we want. What then is perfect? only God can describe cos as humans we already imperfect and ou definition of perfect is that which oleases our heart which is different from person to person. There must be someone who’s goodlucking, does what she likes and still puts her first. I believe there is for me too.

    I will not settle for Tayo. Honest Opinion. If i dont feel attracted to him, Im going to hate him after a while and might not even want to get physical with him.
    Real or not, Wish whoever is ever in this kind of position God’s guidance.

  24. Myne has said what I was going to say. if it disturbs you now, it will disturb you x10 in the future. We all get tempted to settle but sometimes, i believe we should hold out for that perfect person that embodies all we want. What then is perfect? only God can describe cos as humans we are already imperfect and our definition of perfect is that which pleases our heart which is different from person to person. There must be someone who’s goodlooking, does what she likes and still puts her first. I believe there is for me too.

    I will not settle for Tayo. Honest Opinion. If i dont feel attracted to him, Im going to hate him after a while and might not even want to get physical with him.
    Real or not, Wish whoever is ever in this kind of position God’s guidance

  25. Hi i read your blog and felt like it was my story, the only difference is that i have been the only one who has broken up with him 3times in our 7years relationship. he his always the one that want to get back with me but as soon as we are back together it goes back to our same old relationship. but because i only saw a text message once of a girl. we are getting married in October i love it so dearly but i know he loves me but not one to be showing so much love except when i demand it or we have a break. i just shared the blog with him. and he became really angry and asking me why would i share that. i know he loves me but i want him to show it always not when there is problem or when he thinks he might lose me….

    1. eh, rem, really? he got angry that you sent him that? It doesn’t sound to me like your man loves you o. A friend of mine got married to her boyfriend of three years who treated her like that. after the marriage he became abusive even in front of their babies and now the court has ordered that he stay away from her. think about this carefully, you may love him but are you happy with him?

  26. Great true life experience… I have always lived my life towards being such a rare husband to my wife-to-be. So help me God!

  27. Girl, u did settle because u chose to let go of somethings while accepting others. But I believe the things u chose to embrace about Tayo are integral to a lasting relationship. Don’t worry if ur first time sex as a couple is not all that… He might have limited experience and u can grow and explore together. I also strongly suggest that u find something physically attractive about Tayo…sex is after all a physical and emotional thing and this is the person u fall asleep next to and also awake to in the morning. Wish u the best.

  28. I fink there are some lessons for me here,which i v learn. But in the case of bode is good he showed his true colour now, and not after marriage. Now tayo is a God fearing person right but how sure are u that after marriage he wnt turn to be worser than bode? We should always remember that this life is full of changes everyday we change,am not saying the writer is wrong but all am saying is that it takes the grace of God for a man to be who he pretend to be,we just have to be wise, dnt forget marriage is for better for worses, its better to be careful now than to regret much later, in all said and don tayo is far much better than bode

    1. Also, bode cld b worse after marriage. y do we ve 2 look 4d worse in pple wen dey”re gud? cant we just bliv dey”re gud.

  29. plss oh, be cos God dey this Tayo relationship, he will end up being a stallion in bed.pls don’t conclude dat Tayo is a dimwit in bed cos he is born again.i guess he must ave had a past b4 he knew GOD,it could be he is a bit rusty in d bed act. Who even told u guys dat bode was good in bed?
    I once had a guy who wasn’t good In bed n still he was just like bode,but I hurt so much wen seperated.I guess it was stupidity on my part.. Tolu, congrats joor.

  30. contrary to what she thinks, i think folu has found love. When a woman is able to place the rest of her life in a man’s hands in marriage without fear of what her tommorow holds, she definitely loves him. from what i’ve read, the only thing missing is the butterflies and the ‘tush’ ness. i’m not married but i’ve learnt that you make the other party what you want in marriage. my advice to her? Let him hold your hand and guide you in God’s love while you show him what it means to be loved in the human way. take him out (places oda dan church), re design his wardrobe, feed him round n handsome, ur testimony’ll change in a short while.

  31. I feel sorry for the guy. I feel sorry[er] for her. She always dated jerks and always gave more…did she ever stop to think or search why she attracts such men? Did she try to look within to see what it is about her that might be putting her in such position or why she allows herself to treated that way.

    Maybe the reason she doesn’t ‘love’ Tayo is because she expects to be treated like Bode treats her so while she knows the way Tayo treats her is the right way she ain’t ‘feeling’ it. What she needs to do is take some time and find some love for herself. Again, i feel sorry for dude cos she’s already looking for an excuse why the marriage will last–>sex.

    All in all, i can’t wish anyone bad. I hope his love teaches her how she ought to love herself and in turn love him [not run away when she finds herself…for his sake]

    1. There is no need to feel sorry for anyone.There are many people that fall in love with the wrong guy,does it mean there’s something wrong with them?you can never really know until you have walked a mile in their shoes.By the way,from the write up,you can tell that she believes he’s a gem,so why would she be expecting him to treat her like Bode,according to her,he is nothing like Bode and for her to decide she’s marrying him,it shows she trusts him,so where did your conclusion come from?

      1. I don’t see how this has anything to do with what i wrote. True there are many pple that fall in love with the wrong guy. She is NOT in love with the ‘seemingly’ right one….hence all the story everyone has typed up.
        “she expects to be treated like…” is what i wrote [no where did i say she wants HIM to treat her like Bode.] maybe because of ‘self esteem issues/what shes used to/etc’…she’s experienced something with Tayo and while she knows in her heart its ‘right’…she doesn’t ‘feel’ love for him [cos of what she’s used to/expects from guys]. Where did what you are implying come from?

  32. great write up! She has finally made it 2 dream land with a suitable suitor.dis is a lesson 4 all.need making her mistake.In a relationship alwaz create a sence of doubt nd Love in ur partner.dont create de belief dat u ll alwaz be there 4 him bcox wen u do,Ur partner ll take u 4 granted.it pays alot 2 no wat u want in a parter be decisive. Strive 2 make d person u hav d kind of person u want him or her to be. Those quality dat er not dere u built it dat is d essence of LOVE. Goodluck in pursuit for de love of ur life,..

  33. Tht was beautiful and it had me thinking abt wat im doin with tha men i date in my life…So thanks i reallu enjoyed it..

  34. This one get as e be oh! I understand wanting a man after God, peace of mind and the rest. But what happens to compatibility, friendship, excitement and all that? This is what causes a lot of christian spouses to become “intimate strangers” in the home after marriage. Hopefully he’ll grow into the man she wishes and if not……well Gods grace will see her thru…….

  35. I’ve found maslf in dis situatn wia I give ova 70% of d luv n d guy does little. Often times,wen we just meet n start as frndz,d guy is so carin n lovin buh once we start datin,evrytin turns around. Presently I’ve decided 2 b off guyz 4 a while till I’m ready n I don’t knw wen dat will be cos I’m nt gettin any younger. Thou dia’s dis guy I rili like n I knw he likes me too,we r rili gr8 frndz.He jus askd me out n as much as I wud av luved 2 say yes,I said no cos I’m afraid d same tin wud apn.

    1. pls dont turn him down, i always believe in something dat its friendship that keep marriage not love cos it will get to a stage or situation where the love will not be there but the friendship u’ve built will sustain the marriage. So marry your best friend

  36. She settled. The fact she had unsatisfying relationships before, doesnt cloud my judgement [and shouldnt cloud hers]. Its been 11 months [right?], she needs to take her time in deciding if this is a man she LOVES. Love is only ONE aspect of a marriage, however, we are putting the cart before the horse if we ignore the fact that fundamentally, she doesnt love him YET. Marriage needs continual work all through, and if this new man does something wrong, you dont take ‘comfort’ in the fact that he treats you good, you remember that you LOVE him and you said vows before GOD. If you dont love him, DONT DO IT, no matter how great he treats you. Hang in there, keep dating him, and if it happens [love], GREAT; if it doesnt, you move on. The worst thing you can do to yourself, and a man, is to marry him out of ‘pity’ [thats EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE]….He loves you, He treats you good, Youre not exactly there yet, and you choose to go along. A) you never ‘get there’ and he doesnt feel fulfilled by YOU B) You finally get there 2, 3, 4 years down the line; BUT, you didnt fulfill him for those years. SEX will not accrue love. Thats a false conception.
    All the best

  37. She made d rite choice. Truth is many ladies find it diff to step back once they gt involved with an ungodly person, until they can no more sight themselves. All is well

  38. I think she made the better choice. Love is atimes a choice , yes he may not make her heart flutter .. but if she speaks to herself and remind herself that “this man makes me happy, treats me like a queen, respects me and loves me” the surely her heart will open up more towards her. In life its important to make decisions not just with your heart (or your groin) but firtly with your head…head then heart! She needs to tell herself she absolutely loves her hubby..its not lying its just faith..speaking those things that are not into life.
    At the end love and passion is not enough..if it was then seal and heidi wouldn’t be getting a divorce…selah!

    http://chiomamom.blogspot.com

  39. I think she made the right choice. Love is sometimes a choice and she can learn to love her husband..all she needs is to continue to tell herself “this man loves me, treats me like a queen and respects me”.. She also needs to remove that picture of what her perfect man is and replace it with her husband. Alot of times people think with their heart (and their groins) while forgetting to be sensible and think head first..yes he may be boring but create excitement in the home.
    Love and passion is not enough..just ask seal and heidi klum…Selah.

  40. I think she made the right choice. Love is sometimes a choice and she can learn to love her husband..all she needs is to continue to tell herself “this man loves me, treats me like a queen and respects me”.. She also needs to remove that picture of what her perfect man is and replace it with her husband. Alot of times people think with their heart (and their groins) while forgetting to be sensible and think head first..yes he may be boring but create excitement in the home.
    Love and passion is not enough..just ask seal and heidi klum…Selah.

    http://chiomamom.blogspot.com

  41. She has made the right choice!!!! Good boyfriends dont always make great husbands!!! People are different, and what matters is what is important to each individual. Folu clearly prefers stability to butterflies in her stomach. She didnt say she doesnt love Tayo. She does, but in a different way from how she loved Bode. She has found peace and joy in Tayo… more lasting qualities than a hot physique, slangs (which will always change anyway), clothes and shoes.

    In any case wont guys who as “hip” as Bode mature and become less “yuppy and hip” with age? I cant think of anything worse than being married to someone who is perpetually stuck in his twenties!

  42. It’s a lesson to all of us guys.d truth is dat u wnt knw d value of wat u hv until u luz it.Bode must regret his actions n decision 2wards dat girl n d truth is dat he cant get her back n he will regret it 4eva.Pls guys run bk 2 dat girl u r drivin crazy n tel her u r sorry n dat u r ready 2 make ammends cuz u’ll definitely drive a gud girl crazy if u dnt treat her ladylike.Watch out!those things dat appeal 2 u wen u r in ur 20’s wnt appeal 2 u any more wen u turn 30.20’s beggets physical attraction bt 30’s beggets qualities.Hey guys,tel n show her hw much u luv her 2day.

  43. Nice piece. I love this. A Hapy Marriage does nt consist of Material Possessions but of Love. I believe when it concerns relationship Let the Man love u mre and marry ur Frnd. Dnt marry smn hoping u culd change d person. It wnt wrk.

  44. One may say that the writer had to settle for the latter guy who “doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak, doesn’t dress so nicely & doesn’t get her or keep her excited” bcos of the frustration she had encountered initially…well it may be true though I dont buy it, but this is my opinion…that in life as long as you have created this fantasy of living happily ever after with a “sweet handsome” your head had always desired,when there are obvious contraries, then you re bound to head for the rocks…its good to always remember that HE HATH NO FORM NOR COMELINESS…AND THERE IS NO BEAUTY THAT WE SHOULD DESIRE HIM (Isaiah 53)…yet it was this very MAN that had the solution the world ever needed…

    Her sweet handsome(Tayo) may not be the kind of man she had desired, but in him (Tayo) is the key to what she needed to live a fulfilled life

  45. I am pretty shocked at some responses here. A girl finds someone that loves her, treats her well and loves God; whatelse will any girl in her right mind want. Yes he doesn’t look, dress or sound like the “IT” Guy but really how long will all that hold a marriage. Marriage is beautiful but at the same time could be very rocky, if a man loves you and loves God he will carry you through those rocks for life. Men like that are hard to find. Love is a choice and you choose to love, just find a reason to love ( i.e his respect for you, the way he laughs at your dry jokes) and that love will definitely grow.

  46. this is really cool stuff. well you have all heard it. now put it into practise cos its not just hearing but in the doing. action is all u need cement or break that relationship before it would break you!! peace.

  47. I wonder why no one has mentioned that she can pray and ask God to help her love him with so much passion.God answers such prayers you know.He created the kind of love that exists btw a man and a woman.The truth is that the more time you spend with a person,the greater the tendency to fall for the person.Haven’t u see really beautiful girls marrying a guy that is more fearfully than wonderfully made?Love does that.Besides,she believes he’s God’s choice for her,are you going to ignore that simply because she doesn’t feel butterflies now? if she wants him to dress better,she should buy clothes she likes to see him in,and next time he is buying something for himself,he would thing of what she likes(read it in one book like that.lol),is it not the same with us women?when a guy we like says he likes the perfume we’re wearing,we tend to wear that perfume every time even though we have about 20 different bottles of perfumes which are even more expensive on our dresser. If she wants to hear sweet nonsense,she should lead by example and start saying the sweet nonsense.Love is not complicated o,it is as natural as breathing,that’s why a lot of us can fall for the wrong guy.If arranged marriages can end up having so much love in it,why can’t this?

  48. Funny enough, I felt the same way when I got married 51/2 years ago, and I remember telling my maid of honor in those exact words, “I was settling.” The man I married didn’t give me butterflies either compared to an ex whom at times I had to beg for a simple call back. My advice to you is this, there will be times, you will doubt your decision, there will be times you would rather be with Bayo, (trust me he will come back to try and be friends), there’ll be things Tayo will do that it won’t be as cool as Bode, but at the end of the day, stay with who loves you, and I do hope it works out for you.

  49. Praise God for Folu and for Tayo. God is a good God. In fact I’m praying for & toasting their union. Things anchored on God (Jesus as Foundation) DO NOT fail. The road will be tough but God WILL be with you all the way and at the end, may He say WELL DONE!
    I’m not a big fan of blogs (esp female-authored blogs) but this I can’t wait to read & share!
    As for the ‘fireworks & butterflies’……we’ll wait for future postings…..LoL
    Good on ya gurl! XoXo

  50. I am truly glad and blessed to stumble upon this blog. I have been with a “Bode” and now I am still single and with a child. The child is a blessing but I wish I had listened to “Bode’s” sister when she told me her own brother was a path to destruction. I pray the best for you at your wedding and may God bless your union. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder Mark 10:9. Stay blessed

  51. love and life are confusing…I am in my early 20’s. tired of men and heartbreak. With each month that passes, I am even more convinced that marriage is not for everyone. i want to be happy(in all important ramifications) in my marriage. however, with each day that passes I feel that’s impossible…..Settling is hard. Not everyone can be happy in their marriage. It is a forever thing and it will do me no good to go into it and come out…. i’m not sure if i want to get married. my mother worries anytime I say this. but i do not want to keep bleeding…………

  52. Even though I don’t know you, and I do pray God forgives me if I’m wrong, but from my experience, I’ll say DON’T DO IT !

    1. I agree with you @Kapson, if her heart isn’t in it 100% as she has stated she is not in love with her fiance’. She needs to do a whole lot of praying and rethinking…when in doubt, don’t!!!…Just an opinion.

  53. I just wonder how her Man will feel, if she is putting part of their love life in the public eye especially that she “‘isnt in love with him”. If hes friends or even his family members read this; He will be a laughing stock.
    When it comes to relationships i think most things shuld be personal and sacred especially if its someone you are going to share your future with.
    This is a great article but to perosnal

  54. This blog was absolutely insightful! If you do read the comments, girl you did not settle. If you ask me, settling is being unhappy and dissatisfied! If Tayo makes you happy, gives you peace and most importantly fears GOD? Winning!!! haha However, when you say “I am not in love with” after almost a year? that’s a bit concerning 🙁

  55. No relationship or marriage will ever be perfect. But a woman has to know her worth. The ball is always in our court!

  56. so far as he loves you,there’s no problem,the butterflies can come up later and as for he’s sense of style etc,well you can always work on that with him,love is all that matters,the feeling of butterflies is not forever,neither is the style and all,but love is the foundation and you’ve got it,hold on to it.after all Love is not in feelings but a decision.all da best dear.

  57. I don’t believe if there is anything like Falling in Love.I remember d love of mac anthony and jlo,perry and russel,kim kardashian and kris humphery,seal and heidi,prince charles and princess Diana,how many will I call ,girls be smart.setlle down wit tayo not bode…….Fantasy will cut ur life short.D story is good not a bullshit,when d life challanging will come, u will find that strenght in u to carry on, bcos life challanges are inevitable

  58. Growing up and going through all my relationship experience, I have come to the conclusion that “love” is not enough to make a marriage work…there just has to be some other factors in place. I salute this Lady for going in this direction…I have been in 3 relationships and in those relationships, I have given 70% and received 30%…I havent given up but right now trust me im not looking for all those superficial things no more…If I find a Tayo…I will definately follow him…

  59. Love doesn’t automatically transcend to a happy marriage. Folu, remember always wat brot u 2geda to d point of marriage,b prayerful and hope 4 d best. Gudluck

  60. God bless ur heart 4 sharing dis story, it sure ministered 2 me. & I’m hoping somwhr in my mind dat more of our ladies out there will find dis useful. Stay blessed.

  61. OMG!!!

    What the “latte” is this?

    She picked a boring dude? because the FUN dude wouldn’t return her calls? Maybe she’s ugly and scarred; maybe she’s BORING herself; maybe she FAT; maybe her thinking rivals a child with down’s syndrome.

    Women always categorize guys as fun or boring WITHOUT ever turning the lens towards themselves. If you’ve ever been around a boring woman, YOU WILL NEVER RETURN HER CALLS.

    Look at her feeling all self-righteous and shit. The next thing you know, she’ll cheat on him and say he never gave her excitement. Girls are reading this blog entry and nodding their heads in ‘excitement’ that they shouldn’t convince that ‘fun’ guy to be with them instead. Girls are reading this article and not improving their personality one bit… not to mention getting fatter as the days go by.

    You see when you become schizophrenic and believe “God” is directing you to be with a ‘boring’ dude… you end up with a ‘dutiful’ marriage at best and a disgustingly-creepy-quarter-to-separate marriage. What the HELL is your brain for? This is supposed to be FOREVER! (though you could always kill him… but that isn’t easy too.)

    The good thing about this blog entry:

    FAT, UGLY, AMPUTATED, HIDEOUS, BORING and every other UNATTRACTIVE woman will have a good rationalization in their head when a GOOD SAMARITAN decides to put a ring on their finger and devotes his entire life to a supernatural being he can’t see to avoid looking at her ugly ass for too long at a time.

    PRETTY girls on the other hand will read this blog, agree with the ugly ones to avoid conflict and hold out for the fun dudes and the butterflies… and if they don’t get it and marry a ‘boring’ dude… well, it’s not cheating until you get caught.

    You settled… DUDE.

    1. Usually I don’t do this, but your comment is so out of the box, that i can not resist the urge to contribute. Most of the comments here are colored with sentiments and laced with religious undertones. Yet they are Pragmatic,considering our environment. Lets Balance it up. Ladies should learn from these, take a critical look at themselves and add up. Most Ladies are just too boring, dull, knows almost next to nothing and thinks they can fool any guy (good Guy) with playing religion or faking queen’s English. For Men like me, We have passed the era where we looked at the exterior in determing our eagle’s mate except if we want to eat. We take a holistic look, and this could include such small thing as her breathe or big thing as her relationship with the big guy up there.

    2. Hahahahahahahah who is this guy abeg?
      it was hard to say anything till I saw this entry. Who jumps on love/marriage issues and goes ahead to sound like Grim from the cartoon?
      Your arguement is logical,u re obviously a practical person which means nothing to a woman whose eyes ve seen pepper n is under pressure to marry. So…..
      Marriage….very scary topic. Tayo is getting married,tayo is happy (like she said) and tayo won’t die of heart attack . That’s wat’s important now.

    3. Fun dude i’m a babe and i agree with a lot you’ve said – except the cheating part. We need to stop equating God fearing and right with boring and depressing. My hubby of almost ten years is sooo much fun, loves God but is not a saint and he’s cool AND funny. Thats just a long list of reasons to play over in my mind when he makes me so angry I could spit – and you will have those moments will come: believe me. We should hold out for the entire package – not one or the other.

  62. I’m sorry, did you say you are not in love with him, but God handpicked him for you?? Are you close to God at all? My reason for asking this is because if you are close to God, and Tayo is the ONE meant for you, you will have a witness in your soul, a confirmation from your spirit. He may be a good man, but he may not be YOUR man. Please do not rush into marriage, it is a journey of no return. Be 100% sure before you jump in. It’s better to be single than to be in passive-cogenial marriage. I have taken courses in sex and marital counselling, and a very strong Christian, and I believe you should seek God’s face and get his SURE approval.
    Peace and God bless.
    Wishing you all the best.

  63. i think it is unfair to tayo if she feels this way going into the marriage. how can she bank on sex to provide her the feelings that should develop naturally. so what if the sex is not all that,what if bode comes back,cos trust me she will forgive him if he does, the marriage is screwed. tayo deserves to know how she feels before they get married and if he still decides to go ahead with marriage then that is okay. it is cos of secrets like this right from the get go that marriages turn really sour just a couple of years into it. if u want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you cant start enduring before it even begins

  64. I totally agree with Bee A’s comment, she’s not just settling which would mean she went for just any guy, just as long as he wasn’t Bode, but rather she went for the Best there is, any other guy who did everything and maybe more than what Tayo does or could do but didn’t have a relationship, love and Fear of God in him, would have been settling, so I advice both men and women out there not to just settle but GO FOR THE BEST and u would never regret it! Come rain , come shine, I did not settle but also went for the BEST and so am also with the woman God selected, handpicked for me. I’m with a woman with whom I feel safe, secure, looked after, cared for, pampered and not just challenged to know God but competes to Love each other though the purest of love through God, because we have now come to love,be in love and be loved with the LOVE OF GOD.

  65. this is all so confusing reading the comments and the all seem so enlightening and at the same time contradicting .i pray the Good lord teaches us all to know the best way to go about it,i feel like iam in her exact situation only i havent met or rather i havent settled for a tayo but waiting for a refurbished bode seems like iam chasing shadows and sometimes i really want to give up i admire her courage for sharing this

  66. Listen my friends. Marriage is LOVE + ATTRACTION + EFFORT. To simply put, love alone doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage, neither is attraction and/or effort by themselves. It appears to me that the writer wants to build her marriage on effort alone, biggest mistake!! She is bound to be miserable in that marriage and treat Tayo the same way Bode treated her, consequently making Tayo miserable. It doesn’t matter how godly or ungodly Tayo comes across, what is important is for the writer to spend considerable amount of time with him and then ask herself the ULTIMATE question, *CAN I SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM & HIS SHORTCOMINGS?”. This question must be truthfully and honestly answered. As for Tayo, I hope he is presenting his real self and not hiding under the pretense of born-again. Good luck to them both!!

  67. Well 2 me, congratulation. God realy loves u dat’s y u’v nt been caged with sugar coated man. Nd many ladies nowadays dat wat tjey like,’i luv u, i cant do without u, u r d luv of my lyf,etc. Whereas all dis are lies. Pls ladies let us all wake up nd stop cagn with d sugarcoated word of men, let ready to go a God fearn man nd i blv @ d end we will nt regreat, nd we will av api home

  68. A̶̲̥̅♏ actually feeling lyk d story Ȋ̝̊̅§ ♏γ̲̣̣̥ true lyf story. A̶̲̥̅♏ presently i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ a situation similar to Tayo’s story. I wish her all d best

  69. Well thats nice…….i guz this comes from the people that have probably gone or walked down the aile that could give eperience of what actually is going on with them.So getting married is fine but,continue continuing with the initial first love…….CONGRATULATION!

  70. The relationship should be a strong one. All dt glitters is nt gold. He is a strong caring christian man. Love will grow. It is a commitment. She is on point. The heart of the king is in God’s hands so wen dr r havin issues dy wld take it to God and prayer and everytin will be dealt wit

  71. Am happy for the decision she made..funny enough I’m in dt same state. I have a guy who is rich and all dat and I love dearly, bt he doesn’t treat me right, then there’s this other who I just met, he is so nice and he wants to gt married immediatly, he treats me right but my heart is with the other guy. Making up my mind is difficult but am blvng God to direct me

  72. Nice message to every eligible single,lets not always be caried away with emotions and feelings becos they are not always corect,lets learn to trust God 4 his guidiance especialy in d area of marraige.may i also add dat these days many ladies are getin maried 4 wrong reasons,sme money,sme peer presure,sme dip felings,and thereby increasin d rate of divorce..plz ladies be carful no need 2 rush u wil be in it 4 lif,GOD help us!

  73. “bad boys ain’t no good, good boys ain’t no fun”…… Nuff said

    Love is overrated but trust me, you will have to find something to do about the boredom that will come in the later years…
    I guess you’ve made lemonade from the lemons you’ve been given then.

    1. K evryone’s got sumfn to say.
      Question 1:hw many of u guys are married?
      2:hw many of d married ones r happily married?
      3:hw many of d happily married ones hv been happily married upto 10yrs?
      In my opinion,if u dnt fit into the profile then u really aren’t qualified to be givin the writer any advice 😉

  74. Sister ur writeup realy touch my hrt. I ones think like u. Wanting a charming man, unintrrupte romance life, someone dat will pampar me unmeasurable, someone dat will be calln me frm time 2time asking me wat am puttn on and wat hv eaten etc. Bcos hv design dis kind of thing in my mind i cld not found comfort in any man dat hv below my expectation. Not until i commit unto d lord 2choose d right patner for me i nev get my likes. U see wen it comes 2choosen a partner it shld not be based on 100% love for every person dat hv love 100% die untimely death. Hv come 2realise dat wat we need 2kip our relationship going is more of understanding, tolerance, caring& gud comminication,respect and appri one another den love will set in gradually. We should learn 2appri wat will like in our spouse, try 2correct wit care what we dont like abt dem and accept wit faith and love wat we cant change in our spouse for der is no perfect lover. My dear……. Uve made d right decision 2marry a man who appri and respect u, who u can live wit like ur own blood brother and friend, not a man u love but dos not even appri u talkess of respectn and loving u in return. Am sure dat if can take ur time and commit urself more in dat relationship u will blend him 2ur taste. After ur marriage go 2d market get him d kind of cloth u desire for u man, he respect u, he will appri it, wen his going 2work select wat he put on, do it wit care, dont sleep seperatly maintain a close contact wenever u re on bed, develop d habit of placin ur head on his chest or laps weneven u re 2gether, wake him up wit a good morning txt mesg, intead of callin him 2come 2bed while he was watchn movie in d palour, drop a txt mesg on his phone, wen is at work drop a brief txt mesg not more dan a sentence, believe me all dis things will get 2him, it may take time but he will adjust dramatically and u can hv d romance life u desire.

  75. I totally agree with kansom, Tayo is way Better than bode. A man should love a woman more than she loves him this is simply because men fall into temptation faster than women, I believe tayo is a good person, to be frank d LOVE most of us feel is most times love for the physical appearance and I can bet than bode has a lot of this. 1 thing I really do believe is that love is something that grows with time. Tayo 4rm ur description is a gr8t person and I’m happy 4 U bcos love will surely grow if u are contented.
    My mum always says dis’ a man is d head of d family buh a woman is d neck, remember the neck turns d head’ so I really do blv u hv made a gr8t choice.

  76. i have chosen not be the judge over peoples liveswe should make our decisions based on principles and ideals and not feelings..the feelings change..ever wondered how you “loved” someone today and then nextyear you loathe person.we need to be care ful abtthe feelings of attraction and the feelings of love.love is beyond attraction and romance.but its good to have all.i wish her well.i think she ll have a great marriage.

  77. Okay, for most of us who don’t quite believe this story, here’s my truth. Even if this story was made up, mine isn’t.
    I met my husband when all seemed really rosy around me. I never once took him seriously, thought he’d leave if I just ignored him. He stayed on. And at the lowest point of my life, when those I took seriously disappeared, he remained. Then he proposed to me.
    Ladies, I was honest with myself: I knew I didn’t love him. I just wanted a new phase of life to help adjust to my loss. I felt guilty, sorry for him and was pensive about the dangerous gamble I was making. We got married. Was I okay with everything about him from the onset? No. Has he turned ‘Mr. Perfect’ today? Errr.. Not yet.
    It’s been three years, now. And he’s the best gift God’s blessed me with. Even with no child between us yet, his love and adoration for me waxes stronger each day. I love him so much and am so proud of my husband. Know what? I’d do it all over again with him.
    Emotional connections may fizzle out. The human body may sag and wrinkle with age. Riches may run out. Storms of life may pull a couple apart. What will never die?
    True love, ladies. That’s all that counts.

  78. What a story that touches heart, so happy for her and also pray that the guy will be God sent nd prefect for her. Guys and men only God go safe us. Large percetage of us don’t really know what we want, it takes God grace to be a good and perfect husband.

  79. Don’t get it! Why isn’t she in love with him after all he has done for her?! Truth is the lady loves bad guys and does not deserve him!

  80. I know Tayo definitely is the ideal guy. However, Folu is fast becoming a replica of the kind of men she used to date.

  81. After reading this and all the comments, I’m compelled to share my own 2 cents.

    First, one thing we need to appreciate is the diversity in human nature which ensures that what works for one will not necessarily work for another. Everyone has their own peculiarity. She may or may not find love in this marriage but, frankly, its up to her…and probably what the guy turns out to be gradually.

    That said, I think everyone made some sensible points no matter how varied. I believe in falling in love and having the person u love love u back. It is very important that love is shared and not one-sided. On the other hand, ladies do not have so much time to wait around for the right kinda love to happen. This is where we find our differences. Some fear they’d get too old without finding true love while others would prefer to remain single if they can’t find it.

    In the end, it all boils down to what that ‘FUN’-guy said. Are u ladies working hard enough on urselves to make urselves the kinda girl that the guy u’re dreaming of wants. There’s a reason why she’s not in love with him (Tayo) and that’s because she already has an idea of what exactly she falls in love with in a man and he doesn’t have it. The irony is, the other guy (Bode) also had the same problem with her.

    Someone also said having those feelings is not enough for u to just jump into the relationship. This is absolutely right! Those feelings will tether u to him (or her) without receiving nothing worthwhile in return. It is no coincidence that u can feel butterflies for many different guys at the same or different times. The truth is, there’s someone who would truly appreciate those butterflies and share love with u except that it doesn’t necessarily have to be the first, second, third, or fourth guy. What ladies need is the ability to discern the intention of a guy and the will-power to stay away from the wrong ones.

    I fell in love with a girl and loved her so much but I ended up breaking up with her 5 times in a one year relationship. She wasn’t actually a bad person, I just realised that as much as she tried, she couldn’t love me for some reason she can’t describe herself. We eventually dissolved the relationship amicably and I found someone else almost immediately. This time around, she fell in love with me and she gave me all I craved for from my previous relationship without having to sweat for it. Now this was a girl I have actually been attracted to and thought I could never have. Imagine how much I love her right now! Lesson is, there’s always someone u’re attracted to out there (butterflies & all) who will love you right back the same way. U just have to make urself right for him. By the way, my gf had an ex who she fell in love with but never got so much back, so falling in love with me and finding me so much in love with her is like a miracle to her. And that’s how it is to me too.

    Life is not one-way! You need to decide what u want out of it and prepare urself accordingly. A marriage without love from one party can work out if he/she eventually discovers that what they want is exactly what they’re getting. It would also fail if they don’t find that discovery. So I’d advice her, and in essence, every other lady to decide exactly what u truly want deep down inside 5, 10, 20, 30 years down the line and sticking with it or u might get a ‘mechanical marriage’ at best! And never make the mistake of basing your feelings on sex. The feelings u have for the guy or girl will make the sex worthwhile, plus u can also improve a bad sex mate if u truly love him or her!

    My final hint for ladies: If u have butterflies for a guy and u don’t know if he’s the real deal, tell him u don’t wanna have sex until u get married (even if u know u can’t hold out that long) and be sure he agrees and sticks with his agreement without trying to seduce u. If he can’t wait or he keeps pressuring u for it, then there’s something wrong and u should probably run! I strongly believe that the push for sex in a relationship, especially for the first time, should be from the lady. That’s my opinion!

    I hope Folu finds what she’s looking for.

    …And that ‘FUN’-guy is so wrong in many things!!!! Ha!

  82. After reading this and all the comments, I’m compelled to share my own 2 cents.

    First, one thing we need to appreciate is the diversity in human nature which ensures that what works for one will not necessarily work for another. Everyone has their own peculiarity. She may or may not find love in this marriage but, frankly, its up to her…and probably what the guy turns out to be gradually.

    That said, I think everyone made some sensible points no matter how varied. I believe in falling in love and having the person u love love u back. It is very important that love is shared and not one-sided. On the other hand, ladies do not have so much time to wait around for the right kinda love to happen. This is where we find our differences. Some fear they’d get too old without finding true love while others would prefer to remain single if they can’t find it.

    In the end, it all boils down to what that ‘FUN’-guy said. Are u ladies working hard enough on urselves to make urselves the kinda girl that the guy u’re dreaming of wants. There’s a reason why she’s not in love with him (Tayo) and that’s because she already has an idea of what exactly she falls in love with in a man and he doesn’t have it. The irony is, the other guy (Bode) also had the same problem with her.

    Someone also said having those feelings is not enough for u to just jump into the relationship. This is absolutely right! Those feelings will tether u to him (or her) without receiving nothing worthwhile in return. It is no coincidence that u can feel butterflies for many different guys at the same or different times. The truth is, there’s someone who would truly appreciate those butterflies and share love with u except that it doesn’t necessarily have to be the first, second, third, or fourth guy. What ladies need is the ability to discern the intention of a guy and the will-power to stay away from the wrong ones.

    I fell in love with a girl and loved her so much but I ended up breaking up with her 5 times in a one year relationship. She wasn’t actually a bad person, I just realised that as much as she tried, she couldn’t love me for some reason she can’t describe herself. We eventually dissolved the relationship amicably and I found someone else almost immediately. This time around, she fell in love with me and she gave me all I craved for from my previous relationship without having to sweat for it. Now this was a girl I have actually been attracted to and thought I could never have. Imagine how much I love her right now! Lesson is, there’s always someone u’re attracted to out there (butterflies & all) who will love you right back the same way. U just have to make urself right for him. By the way, my gf had an ex who she fell in love with but never got so much back, so falling in love with me and finding me so much in love with her is like a miracle to her. And that’s how it is to me too.

    Life is not one-way! You need to decide what u want out of it and prepare urself accordingly. A marriage without love from one party can work out if he/she eventually discovers that what they want is exactly what they’re getting. It would also fail if they don’t find that discovery. So I’d advice her, and in essence, every other lady to decide exactly what u truly want deep down inside 5, 10, 20, 30 years down the line and sticking with it or u might get a ‘mechanical marriage’ at best! And never make the mistake of basing your feelings on sex. The feelings u have for the guy or girl will make the sex worthwhile, plus u can also improve a bad sex mate if u truly love him or her!

    My final hint for ladies: If u have butterflies for a guy and u don’t know if he’s the real deal, tell him u don’t wanna have sex until u get married (even if u know u can’t hold out that long) and be sure he agrees and sticks with his agreement without trying to seduce u. If he can’t wait or he keeps pressuring u for it, then there’s something wrong and u should probably run! I strongly believe that the push for sex in a relationship, especially for the first time, should be from the lady. That’s my opinion!

    I hope Folu finds what she’s looking for.

    …And that ‘FUN’-guy is so wrong in many things!!!! Ha!

  83. Congrats girl, truly happy 4u!

    I’ve been on both sides of the coin. There was this guy friend I had a couple of years ago who loved the Lord and was committed in church, thought the world of me and could give his right arm to make me happy, and was quite comfortable. But I just wasn’t feeling him; it seemed our personalities were like oil and water. After about three months of struggling with the whole idea, I realized I couldn’t push it regardless of how he felt towards me. Was I going to endure an entire lifetime with someone I could only relate to a little beyond cordial? I eventually had to let him go, and trust God for another with whom I could reciprocate those beautiful feelings of love, and also prayed he would find one who adored him in return.

    In my opinion, I believe it should be mutual, at least to a small degree before the I do’s take place, because that’s what would keep the engines running after the gooey feelings are replaced with the commitments of marriage and reality stares you in the face..Besides, how do you give yourself to a man completely when you don’t love him? I believe you’d agree with me that the passions of lovemaking after marriage would be more on point if u loved him back or at least reciprocated a bit of feelings towards him, no matter how small?

    Balance is key if u ask me. Oh well, Solomon in all his wisdom and after 1000 alliances with the femalefolk said he still couldn’t comprehend man/woman matters in Proverbs 30:19, therefore I rest my case.

    Forever is a very long time. I wish you all the very best..

  84. My dear, you are probably on the right track. If he loves you and you RESPECT him, you have a recipe for success. By respect I mean look up to him, trust his judgement and opinions, you see him to be better than you or at least on your level in many ways especially emotionally, intellectually, work ethic and in any other things that are important to you. If you respect him, it will be easier to weather storms that will arise during marriage. If you find yourself often thinking in your heart, ‘what a dumb guy, lazy guy, what ridiculous requests’ etc. If you start fighting about things that you can’t change, things that you find very stupid, then stop now before it is too late. It is better to respect him upfront than to start having to ‘stoop to conquer’ when married especially as you don’t love him.

    The truth is that an extremely large number of people are not in love with their spouses. At least you are taking time to think it through before going on. Of course the best case scenario is to marry the perfect person that you are madly in love with. It doesn’t happen IMO for the vast majority of females.

    Apart from the butterflies, prioritize the needs you have in a man. Does he stimulate your mind etc. If he has those qualities, go ahead. The love will come FOR SURE with time though it may be rough in the beginning but if you wait it out, in a few years, you’ll realize you made the best decision in the circumstances.

  85. The question is; Is she happy? the answer to that question will answer a lot more in future and determine her decision in whatever situation she will find herself.

  86. Yes marry the one you dnt feel is right but treats u wit respect and makes u feel special..why do we like the badboi type…bcuz somewhere inside us is a badgurl type and if u call a man beatin ur ass and sleepin wit anythin moving a man of ur dreams…then itz really time for some serious seeking God !!

  87. I hope for ur sake , ur mum is right, av learnt that wedding is only one step in d turmoiled world of marriage, I hope content will catch it five years from now not boring or too churchy or d many reasons ppl come up with.

  88. Emmm… Interesting story. One of those “either one or the other”. I remember when I was much younger (in my head) and I told my mom a similar comaprison story. Her response was, “Nkem, why does it have to be either of them?”

    Very simple coment and I got it. I still haven’t found Mr. Right (and there is such a thing), but when I fell I have, I pray I’ll be inlove.

  89. Am really happy for her. A guy who don’t luv u wil always hurt u, and a guy who have true luv for u will never hurts u no matter what. Tayo showed her peace, care and luv every woman needs. Most importantly he has fear of God. She really make a right choice. Happy married life.

  90. I commend u girl,wish u all d very best in ur marriage wit Tayo.u guys knw there re different types of guys,som1 lyk myself is in a relationship wit a guy who is too proud 2 show me he loves me nd also won’t lemme go yet he’s got other girlfriends which he tries 2 do coded buh I usually end up finding out abt most of his escapades wit girls.I knw I’ve got a gud heart n therefore God wld definitely send d right person my way preety soon..

  91. In my opinion, ending up with Bode or someone like Bode would have been “settling”. What you have now is peace of mind which will lead to happiness and joy. Sometimes, ‘love’ is not enough.

    1. I think Isy got it right. Choosing Bode would have been settling. If we were to list the characteristics of each guy, I’m sure Tayo would beat Bode handsdown. I believe the writer should not see Tayo as 2nd choice, but as The Choice. Love really is a decision &truly of God. With Tayo, she’s steps closer to love and appreciation.

  92. Galz do the same thing the same way all over and over but expect different result, date some flashy, sweet-talking playaz and get burned repeatedly but come back to say men are the same, the truth here is men are not, many are out there with the fear of God in them but they don’t get attracted to girls. In this life, you’ll always get what you deserved and not what you desire…

  93. The problem wt mankind generally is that GOD’s ways are to simple for us comprehend,we commonise His purpose therefore taking it 4 granted,His will doesnt av to look gud and nice cos His relationship wt us is of faith and not of sight. I’ve had similar experience&I perfectly undastud wat d lady is taking about. No matter ur spiritual level,if u sideline GOD in matters of relationship & marriage,especially ladies,we’ll always be at d mercy of d so-called partner. Remember,not all dt glitters is gold. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured no mata d challenges. GOD cannot be mocked!

  94. My dear folu, i wont call this settling and i dont know if you are really settled. Its a good story but deep down in your heart you still wish it was bode. Tayo is your angel but an incomplete one, believe me if bode turns around he would be an ARC angel.
    When men cheat on their women it doesnt mean they dont love them, its an evil possesion and hunger for worldly adventures that make men cheat. Women find solution in the wrong places through wrong angles. He loves you and still cheats on you, it’s because he doesn’t love God. Since he already loves you, try to help him love God and see the difference it will make in your mariage or relationship.

    Tayo is a lucky man but i believe he has a past and probably he has missed a good fortune before she he sharply recongnises one. Bode is the right man for you, you just packaged him wrongly. I wish you the best with tayo, i hope life gets better after the sex because thats a point everybody is shying away from. What if you have a good social mariage life with tayo and have bad sex life in his bed? Then you are already his wife and life get worse for you then you would wish it was bode.

  95. I settled 7months ago. I married a man I didn’t love cos of family pressures. I felt no attraction for him and wept with all my heart the eve of the wedding. Hmm! It hasn’t been easy. I was angry with God , angry with myself and the world around me. I was bitter and didn’t hide it. I treated my hubby badly. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him. I wanted a divorce,wanted to run away, wanted to end it. Each day, he waited for me.He was committed to us cos we are both born again Xtians. The turning began when I gave thanks to God for him.He wasn’t what I wanted but was what I had and so I gave thanks.it was the hardest thing to do.But since then I’ve begun to see the good! My hubby is a wonderful man! He cares for me though he doesn’t show it the way I prefer. He teaches me,I have become very successful and moved along careerwise cos of him. I’m a more presentable woman, more exposed…
    The first time I felt my heart flutter for him(Yes!flutter!), I was shocked. could I be developing passion and love for this man I hated so much? As I write this comment , I look at my hubby next to me sleeping and all I feel is compassion and love. I’m not there yet but the feelings are coming! But the best part of it is that I know my hubby wdnt cheat on me, he will never raise a finger against me and God comes first in his life. The beginning was hell but I’m beginning to thank God even more for putting me where I didn’t want to be initially. I’m trusting that I will get to the level of passion and intimacy I’ve always wanted to feel. I’m well on my way. He’s a good God!

  96. If it’s not too late late 4 U,I advice:Trust in God & lean not unto Ur own understanding,In all Ur ways,acknowledge Him. There’s no instrument 2 measure d heart of men as it can be desperately wicked.U need HIM 4 discernment.Also note dat however sure a marriage is,it has it’s bad time.U cant journey alone.Let HIM guide U.For searchers,let HIM chose 4 U.

  97. I wuldnt call marrying d rite person God has chosen settling,u r simply actin out ur destiny..Every girl’s prayer shuld b marrying dat person God has chosen for her.Wish u a happy married life

  98. Wow!!! What a lovely piece, I’ve been a Bode to some extent, but what I dont get is why must a guy call every night after work when you know your tired and all you wanna do is just have a good short uninterrupted sleep before the following day traffic, moreso, there might just be little to say or probably the day wasn’t interesting. But my girl just wants me to call all the time, morning & night. Had to call it quits cos I aint that monotonous

  99. am happy for her. Tolu might not b mr sexy, but he gives her peace of mind n contentment. What more can we ladies ask for??

  100. What we have not realize as human is GOD our creator does not attend to our WANTS coz it bears it it covetousness but GOD is 1000 percent committed to meetings our NEEDS. Phillipians 4 vs 19 says for My GOD shall supply all my needs (not wants) according to His riches in Glory through Christ Jesus…..Now Bode was what this lady wanted but Tayo is who she needs, so its a sharp difference. Needs out weigh wants very well so May GOD help us all. Amen.

  101. I do pray she postpones it and really thinks hard and deep because marriage should be forever. No use sharing your life with someone you will grow to hate cos u will eventually feel cheated…

  102. I think a few years down the line, Folu will realize she didnt settle. She ‘made the right choice’. Butterflies dont last forever. Infact, they dont last longer than 6 months at best. What keeps u is everything else. I dont look for butterflies, I look for a man who makes me feel safe and special. That in my opinion is the one who will make me truly happy.

  103. Here is my view from one angle:
    Love.Though it’s not all there is to it,but everyone agrees, is a fundamental part of a happy marriage.
    There are people we just like, those we are fond of,those we are attracted to,those we have feelings for & people we are in love with.i believe though we can be friends with all d different categories,we should only enter into a romantic relationship or marry those we are in love with or at least those we know we can love which are usually those we are attracted to and have feelings for.something always attracts us to others:personality,looks,devotion to God or even money!! For some people that attraction can form the foundation for feelings which if you choose to allow it,can eventually develop into love after standing the test of time,a deeper knowledge of, emotional attachment to and acceptance of the person (and of course having compatible personalities helps this process).Some ladies have been in bad relationships for so long such that when they date someone that treats them good they have this feeling of ‘i never knew relationships could be this easy or someone could b dis caring and value me this much’.It makes them feel good about themselves because they were used to been treated badly and whether they really have feelings for this person or not is considered secondary.but eventually there will get their self esteem back and get used to been treated good again and if they still do not have feelings for d person,it becomes an elephant in d room which will affect their happiness in that union.when you are in a relationship or married you still meet people that you are attracted to but ‘cos of your love for who you are with, upholding your committment to him is much easier compared to d unhapiness or even resentment that may form if you are not in love or dont have feelings for who you are with.
    One theory of love states, loosely speaking,that love has three basic components: Intimacy(with the person), Passion(for the person) and Committment(to the person), and that the presence or abscence of one or more of these components gives rise to different patterns of love between two individuals in which a mismatch can cause problems.thus:
    Nonlove(None).
    Liking(Intimacy only).
    Infatuation(Passion only).
    Empty love(Committment only).
    Romantic love(Intimacy and Passion only).
    Companionate love(Intimacy and Committment only).
    Fatuous love(Passion and Committment only).
    Consumate love(Intimacy,Passion and Committment).
    –Note that intimacy here is not physical intimacy or sex ooo!–
    And of course consumate love here is what everyone should aim for and expect from his/her patner as well.Hence though both parties in a relationship can never really love themselves exactly equally,it should be mutual and the same kind of love to avoid a party getting hurt.
    Nevertheless, Choices made when it comes to love should always be a healthy combination of the heart and the head and when it comes to marriage,some other things need to be considered as well besides the love angle.
    I’ll just say that it’s usually best not to marry someone that you just like,but rather,someone you are in love with or at the very least (if u must)are attracted to and have feelings for…
    Whatever the choice Folu makes, i wish her a very happy married life when she does say ‘i do’.
    Sorry about the essay!!

  104. Instead of allowing love to grow ,,,,The mistake most of us make is depending on romantic love….
    Romantic love has been defined has the kind of love with an emphasis on upon excitement,,sensual thrills and palpitations of the heart…this kind of love doesn’t ve the power to withstand the test and difficulties that do occur in marriages…..
    The only love that survives the problems of marriage has in it a degree of commitment……
    Girl…love grows from those little tins we do for each other…11 months is long enough to love…. open your heart,, start seeing this guy as he is….and watch love blossom…..

  105. What I Think Is….U Stay With whoever Makes You Happy,Who U Can Have Fun With,Act Silly With n Not Feel Like Ur Doing Anything Wrong.If Folu Hadn’t Been With Douchebags Earlier Then The New Husband Won’t Sound Like Such A Good Idea To Her…..Yes He’s Far Better Than Bode Buh She Can’t Spend The Rest Of Her Life With Him She’ll Be Very Bored,If She Tries To Act Silly She’ll Just Look Stupid!I Think She’s Gonna Find Someone With The Right Balance If She’s Patient Enough. 🙂

  106. I hope no one will stone me, but I think that as a christian, she might have gotten it right, if not perfect. We are all guessing at best, or if anyone here have the copyright to the template of a perfect marriage, I will gladly pay for it.
    St, Paul said ‘Wives, respect your husbands…Husbands, love your wives.”
    Some people can go decades giving love without receiving love in return, but will die if there is no respect given to them (this is most men that I know. Any man who feels he doesn’t fit in this category has the right to disagree…but observe your actions and decisions during your past/current relationships more closely. Just advice ). Some people can live without respect for decades, but will ‘die’ without being shown love.
    Women find it easy to love, hard to respect. Men find it easy to respect, hard to love (by words or deeds). ‘My Husband’ and ‘My Wife’ have heavier differences in meaning than just gender.

    Sex in marriage: I think her mom was telling her that there is a bond that occurs during sex and that with each return to it, the bond gets stronger. It is not the most important bond in a marriage, but like money, if that is not taken care of, everyone is in trouble.

    She might cheat, she might not. He might shapen up or he might dull himself out, this is not for anyone outside the marriage to comment on.

    If she has decided this is what she wants, then by all means, let her have it. She is grown up, and he was man enough not to pick on her past cases of low-self-esteem.
    As a man, I can confidently tell you, this man respects her enough to love her in a way that she is already getting used to. He is real with her.
    She is tired of chasing fantasies. She has someone who reminds her that she is important to him by just being there for her in ways Bode never was.

  107. This man is God’s gift… do U know what I would have given up to marry a man like this.. butterflies or not. Look girl while it may not b all soo exciting Uve got that inner peace that passes all understanding & trust me in the next 5 years, U will b grateful for the man U av married and U WILL DEFINITELY GROW TO LOVE HIM. Many of us look for men like this but av to settle for another…….Folu please be grateful.

  108. Way 2 go girl, time is not on ur side. A lot of girls selected and remain unmarried at old age or end up gettin married 2 d like they wld have married 10 yrs ago. Evrn if u dnt love him now, dnt worry when u start having and loving your children u will start loving their father.

  109. Errrrr…….A lot has been said, but I’m just trying to understand if sex is directly or inversely proportional to love? I know as women, we tend to attach a lot of emotions to sexual partners, but love is more than emotions.

    I will say Tayo sounds like a way better deal than Bode, n in that case, I wont term this ‘settling’ rather i’ll say ‘priorities shift’

    Folu only needs to ask herself a lot of questions. Are those mushy things really important to her, or can she do without them? Some women prefer love expressed in deed, others love to hear sweet words………..can she live with him the way he is now, or she wants to see some changes? If she wants changes, has she tried to work them during the 11 months they courted? Is he teachable? I am of the opinion that if a man is teachable, you an teach him to love you the way you like to be loved. Tayo can learn to dress better, express his feelings in a more romantic way etc…….now, im not saying change the man entirely, but help him adjust to you.

    I also have come to learn that mushy is not enough, but I like mushy……i.e my feelings are not enough, but I must have feelings for the man im about to marry. What I’m saying is, be sure you can love him before you walk down the aisle. Don’t punish a man who has been good to you by tolerating him, it will backfire. Work on loving him before you marry him, don’t wait for marriage or sex to bring love. Love is about your knowledge, what you know about him, not what status or condition demands. Its you choice baby.

    Muchos lovos!

    Omoregee

  110. Passion and Godliness aren’t mutually exclusive. Even in the bible, Songs of Solomon, Solomon and his bride took delight in each other, It is not an accident that we feel the way we do when a certain man touches us. It was intended, your husband is supposed to be able to stir a fire within you, he is supposed to make you wet, make you ravenous, make you want to devour him. That is the way it should be. Giving that up for peace of mind is not right. God is not a cruel God. He wouldn’t subject you to a loveless marriage.

    I pray that love and passion does blossom with time, because otherwise, this lady is facing a lifetime of boredom.

  111. Do we know Tayo’s reasons for marrying her? Please let’s not jump to a conclusion just yet based on what she has said. In every relationship there’s a Reacher and a Settler.

  112. You are on the right path. You don’t have to be in love from the beginning, it will grow once he’s God’s will for you. Love is not a feeling, it’s a act that you can perfect once you have the right attitude. I wish you all the very best.

  113. What more do I ask for ? I know with time those butterflies will start moving in ny stomach, so be of good cheer nd believe all is well.

  114. this is a nice piece, real eye opener! But I ve a question though, therez dis guy I really like, always thinking bout him. But the issue is coz of religious differences and distance barrier we can’t be together. We talk and all bt sometimes he just snaps and I kinda let myself put up wt his attitude issues. Am I being a tayo, how do I get over and do away wt him coz I think my effort is just futile!!!

    1. Hey kysha, I don’t know what you mean by being tayo.. But if someone is rude and lacks courtesy you need to tell them how they make you feel.

      For me, I do not condone rudeness, meanness and selfish acts. I hate to allow my friendship with anyone breed any form of unnecessary familiarity(rude things you do not do to other ppl, but think u can do that to me). if you snap @ me I will tell you politely that I do not feel comfortable when pple snap at me for no reason at all. Its not an attitude I will tolerate. If d person refuses to acknowledge my stance omo i will step back/draw distance.. Besides, my liking the person is just a mixture of chemical reactions attached to my emotions… (not, a big deal, abeg i don shine eyes, i think with my head not my emotions)..

      There is a clear difference between some1 taking you for a sure mug/a ride and just being HUMAN.

  115. I once watched a show where a girl asked her dad if she should marry a guy just because she loved him and he replied “Dearest daughter, never marry a person because you love them, rather marry a person that is you friend and i promise you that as the years go by you will find out that your love for that person keeps growing by the minute”.
    Folu I consider your situation not settling but achieving a far better place, man and standard. Whatever you do, don’t let this slip

  116. I am married to a guy who sometimes forgets to appreciate me and sometimes forgets to show that he cares. A guy who I sometimes forget to appreciate. He loves me…and I love him. When we do show our appreciation for each other, its great. We have been together for sixteen years and I still see him and tingle. He is good to our children, works hard and does not cheat or lie. When you are with someone you love, sometimes its wonderful, sometimes life’s hardships get in the way of always showing how much you care… but it’s the love you have for each other (its got to be a two way thing) that keeps it going, gets you through the tough times and makes you want each other physically even after 16 years. That’s real life!

  117. To me, she ddnt settle, instead she got a better deal. Am also in her shoes. I had even worse relationships before I started courting my fiance who was actually my friend before. He never had d cash, dash & swaggz of my ex but he is a good & god fearing man who treats me like a queen.
    It took me time to agree to date him let alone let myself fall inluv with him but I cldnt help it at a point cus he was jis irresistible behaviourally. Right now, I can say I luv him so much and d@z because he loved me first & our relationship is envied by most of our friends.
    The only issue here is, Folu needs to love him before marriage. She needs to be able to fall asleep, wake beside him & still be able to kiss his forehead even if he snores. She should take her time & not rush into marriage.
    Xoxo

  118. “My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it..”

    This is probably why our generation will end up a lot worse than our parents’.

    t

  119. This is such a deep story… I believe there should be some sort of balance.
    The fact that he has all those wonderful qualities is very admirable and very important. But i also think that the place of “attraction” plays an important role… If he does not look good to you… singing Asa’s ” #There is fire on the mountain#…

    1. I will start with I feel sori for this girl, she has gold and she is lusting for bronze. First in all situations give thanks some girls av neva been asked out by a guy in their whole life. Count yourself extreemly lucky folu dat ur creator loves u so much dat He sent mr right ur way. Bode is a loser of the highest order and u know it. B4 you was born God knew you so He knows wot is best for u and wot u deserve, He will neva give u wot u want cuz God knows dat wot u want is no the best thing for your life. Pray to God and seek His face if tayo is the right choice for u and if God has told you he is dem pls wth is ur problem. Girls like u are the ones wo end up loving der husband like mad even doe he loved dem like mad first.

      I av been with guys worst dan bode(one his family did not like me for no reason they told me to my face and wanted him 2stay wit his x and he was still seeing his x behind my back n entertaining other babes behind my back the 2nd we set a weddin date n his fam said no n insulted me n my family by speakin in parables) but I give God the glory dat 2day I have my tayo….he is God fearing his family is God fearing, he treats me like an egg, he can give me his last plate of food jst so dat I don’t go hungry…he is my angel sent from above everyday I tank God for giving him 2me….He prposed 2me 2weeks ago on my 25th bday this is sumfin I had wished for since I was a lil girl and I neva told him dat confirmed 2me dat dis is the man of my dreams. We was just friends b4 and he was der for me all tru my disappointments, it took me a wile 2even agree 2be his gf, I’m not gona lie der was times in the beginning dat I wud question if I love him, if I cud spend d rest of my life wit him. Don’t get me wrong we had our differences which is bound to happen, but now dat I av opened my heart n let go of the past and changed to adapt to his ways I can tell u I can’t live without my husband to be….I now count down the days to our wedding bcuz I can wake up everyday 4d rest of my life with him nxt 2me.

      Folu tank God and count urself lucky cuz so much girls out der wud gladly take ur place. Appreciate wot u av b4 u miss a chance of a lifetime. I wish u a happy and blissfull marriage!

      Soon to be Mrs D 🙂

    2. attraction to looks is not important o. Marriage is 4 lyf,attraction is 4 youth,or b4 you pop out d 3rd child. Attraction is what makes people leave deir husband when he has an accident. Attraction is what makes you jump from one guy to another cause trust me,no matter how good looking he is,there is a guy out there more good looking.

  120. ….God has given us,women,the ability to see things in a broader perspective & also see things in the long run & not in the short.We know a relationship that would not work out,a relationship that lacks mutual love,yet,we believe in what isn’t there.We see the signs,we cry ourselves to sleep at night while he is sleeping with another woman…Bode was a bad sign,Tayo is a consolation prize.God chose the right man for you,the one who would give you joy and not just make you happy.Someday,you would wake up abruptly and fall in love with Tayo & feel caterpillars in your stomach,your story will become the type of love story that made you cry but in a different way.Wishing you the best.

  121. At times we love the wrong person and in the process hurt ourselves.but we you find the right person it just flows.everything just smoothly and i hope you have found somebody who really deserves your Love.

  122. She choose a man over a boy and to me that is all that matters………..
    Love is not magic as an individual you choose to love
    If she commits her heart to her Husband she will grow to love him in a mature way not the soap opera she had with her ex……….

    Happy Married Life Dear

  123. At first this seems quite sad. However on reflection, this a beautiful love story that even the writer has not realised! You can’t have that joy and peace without love. The whole manner of her writing tells me she is in love. However she is so busy comparing him to her ex that she fails to see that with her ex she was just obsessed. The feelings when we fall madly in love, the excitement and intensity are beyond our control and rarely last. Lasting love comes from having a mate that you can describe in the way she has. Most women have experienced the same hurt and disappointments before the smart ones realise love is not supposed to hurt and start to look at relationships as realists rather than idealists. They have God as the centre of their union and will hopefully call on him regularly.I also think it’s true that with sex they will bond and if the sex is’nt all that, the fact that they have built a good relationship already should mean they can discuss openly without fear and experiment till they find what works for them both. After all how many women have settled for bad sex with some no good player because they were afraid he would leave if they complained. I wish her a long and happy marriage with continued joy and peace of mind!

  124. Personally, i think we ladies miss the point. We should learn to put God first in everything we are doing, we should allow God to choose for us. Ladies must learn to always go for content not container. We must also learn to have high self esteem because it is obvious that dis lady have a low self esteem. From my own observation, dis lady is nt ready 2 settle down because she have refused to put her past behind nd move on wit her new life, she keep comparing the two personality. Let her seeks God direction.

  125. compairism kills u b4 ur tym. there r tym wen d best God has for us may not be our taste. but remember his thot 4 u r of gud and not of evil. pls we ladies should always try to agree wit God no matter wot. God’s wisdom is lyk foolishness to man.

  126. Lovely piece it’s a true story right because I feel I’m in this situation he ain’t a looker but I won’t have to worry He is hand picked by God And girl I am beginning to love him and trust me when I say love grows you fall in love with whom you pray with- stay strong and God bless

  127. I have been in relationships where I gave way more than I received. In the last one that almost led to marriage, I asked myself if I was willing to live the rest of my life like that: giving giving giving and not receiving receiving receiving…When that relationship ended, I was broken hearted but then a guy walked into my life and showed me what it means for a man to truly love a woman. He is everything I prayed and fasted for (yes oh..I took it to the Lord). He is a xtian, god fearing, handsome, has an amazing career, and is rich. He treats me so well, prays with me, is patient and understanding. When we started dating, I didnt really feel the love, cos it was too good to be true, and I never believed a man could love someone like that..However, the day I decided to let go of every pain, every anger and frustrations from past relationships, I began to truly love him..Now, same thing with her, he isnt the best dresser, despite his money. SO what I do is, I recommend stores for him where they sell quality male clothing…I also buy him stuff too..and we happy with each other.

    The thing is this girl is in love with Tayo, but she doesnt know it yet cos she has not gotten over that Bode idiot…By the time she lets go of him fully, she would fully connect with Tayo.

    To be honest, I am disappointed at the comments I see ladies write here. Shows most of us would rather have a man with SWAG, and butterflies in our bellies that may not give us the real thing. Every woman wants security and peace of mind in our relationship. When searching for a mate, life partner, there needs to be a list, what I call the modifiable and non modifiable factors. By modifiable, i mean traits that you can change such as dress sense, educational level, mannerism etc..if you feel your man lacks good table manners, teach him nicely; if he has poor clothing taste, show him where to shop, and even go with him…these traits can be modified. As for non modifiable factors, I am talking about things in a man you cant change, or can give u tons of headache trying to change..example: attitude (how he treats you and others around him, is he caring, honest, trust worthy), vision and goals (what are his plans for his future, how do u fit in those plans), godliness (does he fear God, is he a christian, or just regular church goer), love (how does he feel about you?)..

    The moment you find a man that has most or all of the non modifiable traits you want in a partner, modifiable factors dont matter..cos u can always change that..The thing is many women are too buys looking for men with modifiable factors such as SWAG or good dress sense, or flashy cars..and leave out the essential things..Believe me, you can teach a man to have SWAG..but you cant teach him how to treat you right…

    So congrats to this babe, cos she is making the right choice. Teach him to dress, and also how he can please you..

  128. I have been in relationship with a few Bodes… I gave more than I got back. I’ve also been out with a couple Tayos as well. I gave them a chance but over time, when I didn’t feel much for them, I broke those relationships off as well. I don’t believe in settling – not for a man who does not love me enough, and not for a man who I don’t love enough either.

    I was talking to a friend of mine about past relationships. I said to her: “I need to learn to give less in relationships”. She said “No, you need to find someone who gives just as much to the relationship as you do”. That was the best piece of advice she could have given me.

    A couple weeks later, I met my current boyfriend. Now, mind you, he didn’t come in the package that I wanted, but that was OK. I asked God to send me someone who was right for me, who would match my personality in all aspects and who would genuinely love me 100%.

    When we first met, we talked and talked and talked. We got on (and still do get on) like a house on fire. We automatically felt comfortable with each other. It wasn’t automatic physical attraction for me, but my attraction to him HAS grown! He really gets me and we fit together in so many ways. He is God-fearing, loyal and faithful – and he is also FUN! He is balanced and our relationship is balanced. I have found someone who gives just as much as I do.

    I’m concerned that BALANCE is being lost here. Nothing wrong with marrying a man who loves you 100% – but if there isn’t much love or attraction coming from you to him, the balance is not right. To me, it seems just as wrong as trying to get with a man who does not love you enough either, that is equally unbalanced. You may not initially be attracted to someone, but after 11 months, if there’s no attraction, something’s not right!

    Every good and perfect gift comes from God – that person may not be perfect in all their ways but they should be perfect FOR YOU. And if you like to have fun (whatever your interpretation of that is) then they should be able to give you some of that. Guys can be stable, God-fearing and fun at the same time!

  129. I am so disappointed that only few of the comments on here emphasized that Folu can get both: a man from God that is decent and yet gives her butterflies. Lots of people seem to be telling Folu to avoid or not look for butterflies! I give respect to all the commenters like Bee, Myne, seryxme, it gotta be love…..who realize that God who can provide and do anything can provide you with a mate that is attractive to you and yet so decent. That being said, I believe that as a xtian just because you are in a bad situation does not mean good things are over. So as much as I feel sorry for Folu that at 28 she has given up on God giving her a man with butterflies that is as caring and decent as Tayo, I know that as long as she has faith and trusts God, her marriage can be awesome. I wish more married people commented with their experiences. That being said, I dated bad boys and was heart broken. I dated good boys and found my eyes roaming. Today I am with a partner who treats me well, shows me unconditional love and i am so attracted to. Not married yet, but been together for 1.5yrs. Through it all, I know it is possible to have a good person that you feel attraction to. I sincerely thank God for showing me i don’t have to settle.

  130. A lot of comments here are so ‘female centric’ and its interesting to note that Tayo’s wellbeing doesnt seem to be important.
    She has said she doesnt love him as such, but is marrying him because he’s the better choice!
    Doesnt Tayo deserve better than this? or shouldnt such a nice God fearing man marry someone who loves him in return?
    Should marriage be about the ladies only?

    1. I really like this comment. It seems like she is settling for Tayo but he deserves better than someone who is settling for him….right? surely he deserves someone who loves him back. Tayo are you not just Bode in this new relationship you have. Okay you may not be cheating but not loving Tayo is just as bad in my eyes

    2. That’s a very thoughtful point of view Mukoro… but riddle me this – who’s to say he doesn’t know that she’s “settling”? Many men are more perceptive than we give them credit for and he may feel (like many men do) that due course, love will follow.

  131. Babe, if dis is real and you’re not yet married, den pray and get along wiv it. Let me tell u dat wher we’r from, divorce rates are just hiking. Takin a look at the western world, they are just all for the attraction and emotions before GOD. If you can get some1 who draws you closer to God, then go for it. At least my parents ‘hated’ each other before marriage, but now, i am overwhelmed by their love. So wish u da best.

  132. It ȋ̝̊̅§ quiet unfortunate that many ladies don’t know †ђξ rigth person Fø̲̣̣я̅ ‎​ them Ãήϑ forgotten that all that glinters ȋ̝̊̅§ Ω̶̣̣̥̇̊​oτ̣̣̥​ gold, i thank G̶̲̥̅̊O̶̲̥̅̊D̶̲̥̅̊ Fø̲̣̣я̅ ‎​ showing her †ђξ rightful man even if she has pass tru a lot from another man Ãήϑ i also pray Bode will change Fø̲̣̣я̅ ‎​ good Ãήϑ Ω̶̣̣̥̇̊​oτ̣̣̥​ †̥ deceive ladies Fø̲̣̣я̅ ‎​ ƛ butterfly love . I wish Ʊ both sucessful marriage Ãήϑ life everlasting Ãήϑ i pray tayo doesn’t change from his good way. Keep it up †ђξ lord ȋ̝̊̅§ Ў☺ΰr strenght

  133. People like love sha. Comments on comments on comments.
    Anyway, a few things about this just don’t sit right with me.
    1. I hate believing that an adult woman will stay with a cheating partner even when he’s breaking her heart all the time. In my opinion, that’s plain stupid. I understand Bode was a bastard, but when Folu kept letting him get away with it and apologising for snooping, as she says, she kinda deserved quite a bit of the ill treatment she got.
    2. Who said sex makes love grow? It’s either the person has a kama sutra devotee as a partner, or that’s just a lie. Everyday I hear of couples that split up based on issues surrounding sex.
    3. It seems to me that Tayo will end up boring her. What she hasn’t realised is that though the pain of a cheating partner is horrid, the tedium of a loveless relationship can be even more so.
    and
    4. If after 11 months she doesn’t love Tayo, she probably never will.

    There. My opinion. But what do I know about relationships anyway?

  134. A long time ago, I would have screamed blue murder and begged Folu not to make the biggest mistake of her life…. Now, I’d say congrats. I wish her fun and excitment as she discovers ‘love through sex??’ I get where is is. I can’t fault her logic. Better to find peace without butterflies than butterflies without peace of mind.

  135. the people that are saying no she souldnt do it are the people that believe in u av to love someone b4 u marry them and the people that are saying she should do it are the people that believe u dont av to love the man as long as he loves u n wen u marry the love will grow…but we all seem to misunderstand that in this life every1 came to this world with different heads o as in sum pple marry the person they love n av butterflies with and have a good marriage and some pple marry the person that they dont love but grew to love them and ended up avin a great marriage aswel, it all depends on ur persons course of life but folu will never know until she either takes this chance or decide to wait till she meets the person with butterflies……..LIFE IS A CHOICE but most of all seek Gods face to know which choice is right for you.

  136. There’s something wrong with this cliched stories, they make you think a good ,boring man is your reward for putting up with a cheating man. Lets leave the men out of this for a while, has Folu really stopped to examine her motive? She knows Tayo is a good man at face value but has she reallly severed soul ties with ‘Bode-type of guys’ if she hasn’t, this is just as misleading as being in an abusive relationship!

  137. Pingback: My Homepage
  138. Tank God for her life moreso its a ​​G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅

    Lesson for babes τ̅☺ learn from. But note;τ̅☺ ♍ε̲̣̣̣̥ sex does not ♍a̶̲̥̅kε ƪ​♥√ع grow and dat į̸̸̨Ƨ̷ d mistake most gals ♍a̶̲̥̅kε , sex į̸̸̨Ƨ̷ different for ƪ​♥√ع dey are two different tins entirely.

  139. Tank God for her life at least she ended up wit d right person it takes a while bfor some guys grow up and if γφυ are d type dat feels guys out grow some tins γφυ might be wrong cos some guys (pple) never change but τ̅☺ ♍ε̲̣̣̣̥ sex do not ♍a̶̲̥̅kε ƪ​♥√ع grow SEX į̸̸̨Ƨ̷ one tin and ƪ​♥√ع į̸̸̨Ƨ̷ Another .

  140. I could have written this for sure, I walked down the isle with no butterflies to a great man, a man of honour but I wasn’t in love with him. 5 years later, i still bow my face and thank God for my husband.

    I love him more than words can describe. We have three children and have had some challenges but nothing has come between us, our love has only grown stronger

    Love is not a feeling, not at all, love is a choice, it shouldn’t spring itself upon you directed at just anyone. Choose with your head and your heart will follow

  141. the problem is you misinterpreted love. Love is not butterflies in your tummy,picnic on a green grass,fancy restaurants and red roses. Love is joy,happiness,respect,fufillment. If you are with a person who doesn’t respect you enough to be faithful to you,then you are not in love with him,you are just in love with the idea of being in love. Or you are with a person who gives you no reason to trust him or hits you, you are not in love. Give it time you would realise that you were not in love with bode and the love for tayo which is present now but you do not realise it,would show it’self. Read chorinthians you would see what is required to love and to be loved back. You are not settling for tayo,you are in love. Don’t wait to feel the butterflies in your stomach or the jolt of your heart,afterall you love your parents yet you do not feel butterflies in your stomach when you see them. The butterfly thing is explained down to nerves in your stomach due to your being excited,and the excitement is due to physical attratction, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in,nothing more than biological emotions. Love goes beyond that,love touches your soul,makes you content,happy.

  142. I really love that story. I would take a dependable man anyday over a man who is ‘prince charming’ but lacks depth and substance. Folu should thank God 4 Tayo everyday.

  143. What If, Just What if…Tayo gets her to bed and cannot “do” it???
    She has already anchored the growth and sustainance of her Love on a Projection which she do not even control.
    Most times, things arent what they seem. Let her take a decision that if tomoro something happens and Tayo becomes Bode she would still Love him.
    She has no guarntee that Tayo wont be Bode. It only Takes Tayo having friends like Bode..who will occassionally ake him to joints to drink, and soon he may start noticing the waitress. This is a Possiblity. Would Folu still feel this way??
    She has not told us that she Loves his Dreams, His Visions, His Prospects.
    She only Loves what she is seeing. What if he changes tomoro??
    I dont support Bode in anyway, but let her Love Tayo for the Right Reasons not as an alternative.
    This is the danger of escaping to a Comfort Zone,cos while there…You may be Lost forever.
    May the Holy Spirit direct her.

  144. Am happy for Folu, and i corvert for such testimony IJN because it is not easy to see a man with the fear of God. Most guys put there feelings before God’s own.

  145. Folu u ve no reason to cancel or postpone the wedding like some people said. The lord of choosing for whether u believe it or not it is the lord’s doing.
    This is were so many ladies get it wrong if u re in a relationship that dre is fun and no rest of mind no peace all na lie u re only deceiving urself, cos dre is no future in it na crash d relationship go crash,but a relationship like d one folu had just discovered and she is happy cos dre is peace, joy and happiness so what else is folu looking for cos all these mention put together is FUN abi
    Folu olorun ti sign is e leyi na u just carry go the lord is ur strength. Bode does not deserved u jare

  146. I luv what bshaidy said… Bshaidy, u said it all… Luv is a choice… She may not get all that secondary thingy from Tayo but She’s getting married to a man who puts her first after God in all he does.. A man who is right wiv God and is also setting her on dat right path.. She can decide to luv him back. Yes! she can.

  147. Carry on wiv ur weddin babes,since u find happiness nd comfort in him,bode will never change even if he will,it will b 2 late…let tayo understand ur kind of person,nd u can teach how 2 hv fun,if he doesn’t knw mayb due 2 his kind of upbring,or d nature of his job,since u ar gettin closer 2 God,he won’t watch ur marriage breakin up,he will definately bless u mor.so dear enjoy it till u get old.hv a blissful marriage…

  148. If she wants a romantic hubs,she cn get it in Tayo,nt until she 4get bode n stop tryin 2 c bode in Tayo she won’t av a joyful lyf.i used 2 b frigid bt my Ex worked on dt area of my lyf(nt by 4nicatin bt by means of dialogue)she should talk 2 Tayo abt his growin up,dt might av affected n kill his emotional instinct.She should 4get bode n luk in2 Tayo.she nids 2 help Tayo,COMMUNICATIÖN cn solve d prblm.Also she should start shoppin with Tayo n b prepare 2 b d lecturer in bed.

  149. If I were Folu this is what I would do
    from the story and all the comments, everyone seem to agree that bode or any of his likes is the wrong choice
    Everyone also agrees that Tayo is a good man meaning there is no problem with him. The only problem is with me, how i feel about him, how i relate to him and the fact that I MIGHT have problems with him
    Most of the people that said I might have problems with Tayo also advised I hold on, put myself out there again, wait patiently, do not settle because they believe I MIGHT find love or the whole package i’m after.
    Then this would be my conclusion
    All that is said is a probability. Who is to say my marriage with Tayo will not last? who is to say we will not be happy? what if we turn out to be perfect. Who is also to say that if i refuse Tayo now, i will find someone with the total package? what if I dont? and by the time I realize it, Tayo is long gone with another woman who thinks and loves with her head and not her heart.
    I dont know tomorrow and the commenters dont.The only person who does is God so i’ll personally feel safer with someone who knows God.
    A bird at hand is worth ten in the bush they say.
    As for me i will work on myself and work on Tayo. As for the butterfiles, they dont last anyways. I know I love Tayo already i’m just not very used to this kind of love. In all, the most important ingredient in a marriage is to both be of the understanding that we MUST work at it, we MUST have the willingless to make it last.
    As for me cheating on Tayo because of my need for fun, I will only have to remind my self of this day, of how i reasonable chose stability over fun, togetherness over going out, inward attributes over clothes, communion over relationship, peace over heartbreaks, love over tears and i’m sure I’ll be fine. No amount of fun or good loook is worth that. So i say, Go ahead, marry Tayo and do it prayerfully.

    Sorry for the epistle.

  150. I just love the assumption that OF COURSE all women want to settle down in a two-person relationship, and OF COURSE all women are heterosexual, and OF COURSE if you’re over thirty you’re On The Shelf. Oh, and OF COURSE if you’re female you automagically need to be married in order to become a Real Person. Because yeah, things have clearly moved on so much since the eighteenth century…

    Excuse me, I’ll just be over here, beating my head against a post.

  151. well i feel like writing a bit of my own experience with men may be its might help.
    i had a boyfriend just like ur bode so i can tell you i know how its feels to have a man like dat in ur life. i cry when we have sex not bcos its hurt but bcos i want to have him forever in my life. i changed my number several times just to keep away from him, but i find myself calling him to give him my new number. i see him once in 2 month and every moment we spend together its like eternity to me. he once told me he needs a break and while rushing to his place to beg him to change his mind i crash my car on the way and almost killed myself just because i cant stand not aving him in my life. at a point i started praying to God to divert this love to him i was going insane i fasted for 7 days and which he came on the 8th day to break up with me becuase he realize dat dis love is turning to be sometin else. (not knowing his already set a date with anoder girl for there wedding)
    well my God heard my prayer and heal my heart. there LOVE and there’s LOST. folu u were in lost with bode and u should thank your stars u didnt end up with me. am now married with to kids for my husband. when we started 7yrs ago its was more like on a mission to hurt men and wasnt ready to fall in love with no guy. he met me and fell in love with me. he worship me like his God, his caring, loving etc just like your tayo. i didnt love him when we got married and 4 yrs into the marriage was not craze about him either and he knows. but now, his my life and world i cherish him and cant live a day without him.
    folu its better to marry a guy that loves you rather than the one your crazy about because they never stop loving you. and trust me u will grow to love him. try and teach him things you like about bode and wat he does to you dat makes u have butterflies in your tommy. marriage is a life time thing and you need some1 that will be there 4 u for the rest of your life. dre’s a lot of guys like bode out there but there’s only few of guys like tayo. dont end up single, lonely and full of hate for men’s. may God make that day a success for you and tayo. HAPPY MARRIED LIFE BABES

  152. I would say neither Bode nor Tayo cuts is. i have been in this shoes before my http://dollchic.blogspot.com/2009/09/you-vs-him.html

    both ended up not being good for me. my issue with this perfect on paper without love and adventure relationship / marriage is that i would be bored.

    Just the same way butterflies on its own is not good enough, perfect without love doesnt sound good enough

    and this saturday i am getting married to someone that has both attributes. i am glad i did not settle and as i am walking down that aisle, my tummy would somersault and il also be rest assured with no doubt in my mind

    BUT THAT IS FOR ME
    Different things rock different people’s boat

  153. I am like Folu, i left a man i loved and felt butterflies in my tummy for a man i did not Love.
    I married someone i did not Love and this was 10 years ago and guess what i am still with my husband after 10years… and yeah you might think that i am old school.
    But i got married at the age of 23 and even that young i realised that sometimes Love is not enough to hang on to a relationship that is not working.
    I have grown to Love my husband and thank God every day for where my life has lead me today. My husband Loves me more than anything and would never put anyone before me, with him i am so content i don’t have to worry about him cheating, and all that bad stuff with my ex whom i thought i Loved.
    Sometime in Life we have to seek the face of God and realise that with marriage there is something deeper than Love.
    I chose Stability over fun…. and it has worked for me all this years and i am sooooo glad that i did take that step all those years ago.

  154. I believe everybody that have spoken on this piece are spot on. But ladies let us pick between this two guys – A handsome, cute, tall, eloquent, rich but a cheat or an ‘ugly’, shabby, boring but faithful guy.
    The reality is it is possible to get a fun filled but faithful guy and a boring guy who practices infidelity. Fola found her peace in Tayo, I think that should be enough reason for her to want to spend the rest of her life with him. Like someone rightly said, butterfly feelings + unfaithfulness = A miserable life.
    Fola might be making a right decision and she may be making a wrong one but at the moment she has found her peace. She has found a solace in Tayo, something she said she hasnt experience before in her 27years of existence. Call it settling or whatever, that lady is happy. A guy that loves her, helps her and draws her closer to God. What else? If its cos a guy is handsome and makes you get ‘the butterfly feelings’ that you want, you might be making a mistake cos everything that gliters aint gold.

  155. I have always had a problem with the word ‘settling’ and it is unfairly used to describe women who have ended up marrying men they’re not used to dating. When we’re younger, we want the same kind of men every other girl wants, the tall dark handsome moneybag. They in turn become aware of how ‘in-demand’ they are and treat women whichever way they like…discarding Bisi for the ready waiting Bola and turning many women into enemies of each other. It’s a game they enjoy and let’s be frank, many a women with the same opportunity will probably do the same. As we grow older and become more experienced, apart from knowing our minds better we become self assured and more confident and these new traits help us to make better choices in most areas of our lives including relationships. We come to know the things that sustain the soul and not just the physical and that’s what we go for. Like your mum said, love comes with sex, while I don’t strictly agree with that I believe love will come eventually. It may not be that exciting kinda love but it’ll be one deeply rooted in respect and stability and it is the best kind of love any one could ever wish for. Happy married life dear.

  156. yes, it always better to chose bcos of the gift than its wrapping paper. The wrapping paper will eventually fizzle out after d gift is unwrapped and at this time d wrapping paper would no longer be important but the worth of the gift on the inside.

  157. Tayo seems like a fine young man for you to marry, believe me, those handsome good looking guys that makes your heart somersult only last for a few years. After looking at the same face for some years you don’t see the good looks anymore because it is now familiar to you or they lose the looks with age, all you have left is their character and the way they treat you. Men I met in my twenties that I thought were so handsome, when I see them in my forties, I just kept asking “what happened to him? he used to be so good looking”.

  158. I was just thinking how isshe gonna have sex with him if he doesnt excite her then I red’ the sweeping love will come once the sex begins oh dear lord is she a virgin. oh dear lord this is a mess!!!

    This guy is helping her BUILD back to where she was or maybe has never been. Good for now for the new things he is teaching her, but if she isn’t mentally OR physically attracted to him, and mentally is the best part to get ladies interested. Them erm/ good luck.

  159. You think u settled? *points and laughs at u* in the end nothing will matter more than guys like Tayo. I’m sorry to say but you’ve been a really big fool in ur past relaysh n got everything u deserved.

    Not everybody can have the whole whirlwind romance ish, butterflies in the tummy and all what not. If you’re not one of those people, recognise it and move on fast. Life’s too short to b settling on guys like Bode. Yes, I think being with Bode is settling indeed.

  160. Hilarious comments I must say….iv bn laffin my head off! Bt seriously iv come to realise dt every thing in ds world is relative…relative to d personal expereinces of each person,relative to d expereinces of others….what I call luv n term luv is utterly diff from wat u wl…nw luv does av basic (kindness,consideration,etc),so if u luv Tayo,u MUST luv Femi and LUV Tolu too..being wit sum1 u wanna marry dsnt require ne special luv from d luv ur xpectd to give ur neighbour…so why dnt we marry our neighbours…I think dts whr d butterflies come in! D attraction,d lust, d chemistry gbo gbo e…n wit dt,like sum1 has said,comes wit d eyes,and all other sensory feelsing….bla bla bla (get my drift)?

    Nw is Tayo d 1? Who knws? 11months isn’t short or too long for netin…all u can ride on his ur luv for dt Tayo and ur prayers to God! Tayo may have anger issues! He may b dirty (I cnt stand dirty pple bt I knw a friend to whom dirtyness is dismissable lol),he may b a closet womanizer,etc..People cnt b pegged…jst Go wit ur emotions n make sure its a combination of LOVE (general) and Attraction (specific) n Prayers cos all we knw guys r jst ourselves…Tayo or no Tayo o! So sweerie Folu,If ur absolutely sure u wanna marry Tayo,go ahead, marry him n keep prayin to God…simple! N hey! B ready n mature to face EVERY consequence dt results from ur choice and ur compromise….k?!

    Wish u all d very best…..
    P.s keep reading all d comments o! U will learn a few things… 😀

    1. I won’t call myself a love doctor, but I know a few things about love, partly gained from personal experience dating, and mostly studying relationships of others. I know that on an average, people feel attraction for at least two people daily. Its left for you to work out where that takes you. You could dwell on it, and see it develop into something more concrete, or ignore it. Point made is that attraction is a stimulus one acts on. When that reaction grows, it is because of something about that person. It could be his looks, his humour, the way he cares, and all. It may or not lead to love.
      I’m trying to differentiate between attraction and love. Attraction is a stimulus. Love is a deliberate action. Parents love squealy babies not cos those babies are attractive or anything but because it is their responsbility. Love inplies a responsibility to take care of someone. It may or not involve butterflies and all, but in any serious relationship, its is not butterflies or sex that bring people together. It is the comfortability and understanding they have both developed. I don’t think she will leave him. She knows how a bad relationship felt like, so she will appreciate a good man. I can actually bet that they will botj build a marriage and home based on love, trust and understanding.

  161. If she doesn’t love him regardless of him been nice, she has no business marrying him. That could be someone elses husband. She is taking the get out easy route….Nah mehn NEVER SETTLE!!! The fact that her mum said that when the sex starts the love will grow???…that’s twisted talk. What if she does have sex & STILL doesn’t grow?…She is screwed!! She will definitely cheat on him with someone else!!! She then becomes another statistic in divorce numbers. Ladies don’t go into a relationship because of security. If there is no love, no feelings, no butterflies etc. Christian or not….You have no business been in that relationship or marrying him. Same goes EXACTLY to guys too!!!!

  162. Am not a relationship expert and I can’t say this is not the Man God has made for you (even though I have my own frank opinion about that). However

    1. SEX does not make love grow. If SO, guys will be in love with many girls even prostitute.

    2. Please don’t marry someone you don’t love because you are actually deceiving tayo. Does he deserve that ?

    3. Are you seriously just 28 years and already feeling pressure of getting married? Be the first to tell yourself you are the problem that needs to be fixed in this scenario not another man.

  163. Okay, tayo is obviously a better choice than bode, but you can’t deny the sadness in this story. No need to settle for the bad guy but a man who makes your heart jump is certainly not a bad idea.
    What if ‘the love’ never comes???? It becomes a lifetime of many ???

  164. Abeg, mek I hear word; did she ever ask her why every guy was dumping her? She was giving 70% Who told her that? Did she come up with the number by herself? By her own admission she was searching for perfection – tell me where that exists! My dear welcome to the real world. You make of it what you will.

  165. I know that u wld one day grow to love, I pray that God also hand picks my husband for me, ladies shld pls wait for God choice for there life o

  166. I have tried to get over “Mr. Wrong” by dating “Mr. Right” and regardless of what he did or didn’t do, I realized I had grown to seriously dislike the latter due to trying to FORCE myself to fall for “the good guy”. Bode may not be right for her but that doesn’t mean that the other guy is either. If anything she will probably begin to loathe him because she’ll realization she made a mistakes by marrying him based on the type of guy that society says she should be with. And I also believe that if God had chosen this man for her she WOULD feel the butterflies and more importantly be in love with him.

  167. I really wished i saw your personal email , i would have been so glad to communicate personally to you…. when i read through, i just thought about myself…Almost applied to me…..my dear, you have made a good choice as long as you said, God choosed him for you….. I am married for a while now and i could tell you that i am so happy… i have learnt to love my man who had always loved me endlessly… you can change your man to what suit you…. the dressing, the things you do,,,, I have read some comments but dont let it discourage you…. if you wish, you can contact me through my email….Lola

  168. Folu, I can TOTALLY relate! The guy I am with now is exactly like Tayo. I knew this before I even started dating him. Infact, I would have been the first one to write a glowing reference of his character should anyone ask me but initially, i never saw him the way he saw me. Even when he approached me, he did it so extravagantly. I was overwhelmed to say the least yet still hesitant and reluctant to date/court/go out with him because I wasn’t necessarily “attracted” to him. I did not feel a “spark” or “chemistry”. My stomach didn’t go funny and my feelings were non-existent!

    Yet, God chose this guy for me and in the end I gave in. Now I am totally in love with this man of mine and I have NEVER felt this way about ANY of the guys I’ve liked or dated. He shows me everyday just a snippet of the love God has for me. He is thoughtful, caring, kind, loving and I am SO attracted to him now lol. He treats me like I have value and worth and like the queen that I am! (I think part of the problem lies with girls not seeing what they’re really worth hence why they put up with rubbish but that is another story lol) I don’t have to nag him to call me or spend time with me neither do I feel the need to check the messages on his phone. He VOLUNTARILY gives me his time and he VOLUNTARILY listens when we talk. He loves the Lord and by being with him I am conforming to the image of Christ. (Why do we females feel like everything has to be hard work?! Honestly lol)

    Contrary to popular opinion, Feelings, Spark, Chemistry and Attraction are not supposed to be leaders. I also believe that these things follow what you give your attention to and if you delight in who God has for you, everything will follow. God does not short change us and he is not punishing us. When he selects for you, he selects the best. Whether you see his choice as the best is a different matter but YOU can have it all. I do.

    Folu you have not settled. You have upgraded but you just don’t know it yet. Don’t listen to the stories other people tell you either. So what if so-and-so “settled” and now they are unhappy?? Your story is different to anyone else who has been and who will be. Yes, there may be similarities but God’s plan for every relationship is different. If he’s the one, God will give you a heart for him. You will be head over heels in love! Feelings are not a small thing in God’s eyes. He knows what the desire of your heart and it will come because you have been obedient to his will 🙂

  169. Hmmmm Hmmm Hmmm….Surely she should ask God to place in her heart deep love for the good man Tayo BEFORE she walks down the aisle…. God, not sex, puts in love…what happens when the sex isn’t all that? Will she keep the good man but fall in love with another?

    If Folu is sure he is from God, she should pray for a deep love for him.

  170. I do not know if anyone has recommended this book as of yet. But if you ready Gary Chapman
    The five love languages
    It talks about the “in love experience” and the love that lasts.
    I am reading it now, and it is really good and insightful, I pray it helps.

  171. Honestly… I understand how you feel and the content of what you have written. The same is my story, I am married now.

    Honestly, I used to like to date, the tushiest guys on campus and I was lucky that those where the kind of guys on my case, designer guys that will kack up from LV to Gucci… Those use to be my flare…. But i realized that …all i had was pains, disappointments, heart breaks, i loved 100% and all they had for me was 30% .. I am a type of person that over love, too emotional and so sensitive. It came to a point that my ex- guy said it to my face that my problem is over love. At then, I had to break up the relationship. I draw closer to God and I allowed God to position me for my future hubby. I read this book-The purpose and power of love and marriage by Dr. Myles Munroe. It helped me a lot, prepared me and helped me heal from previous hurts. I stop comparing and I didn’t carry the baggage of my past or let it determine my future. I repented of all … When I met my husband, it was through fbk, we were just friends and he wasn’t the janded type of guy, he doesn’t dress to kill, his not the lavish rich societal type of guy. He is so God fearing, his handsome but literally not the complete package. When the friendship kicked off I knew I have found peace and happiness. At the beginning, I didn’t really love him because he wasn’t the complete package but with the help of that book, I came to realize that those were wrong standards that the society has made a yard stick to determine the a good husband. With time I feel in love with this guy, I cleaned him up and tushied him up, I helped him with his ward rope and now ladies are dying to have him…many wants to be in my shoes… But they dont know I did my homework….and he appreciates me like a queen…. That is…. what is best for us might not necessarily come in the right package as we dream, as a woman its left for you to clean it up to what you want… and you will see yourself falling in love like ever before. My hubby loves me so much, for helping him in that area of his life…. Love changes life only if u go into it with all your heart… Your scenario and my story is similar… but i will advice to Love him and repackage him to what you want…We are so happy together. My advice for you is to make sure you are truly in love with him than the perks because when the trails of life comes years into the marriage… its the strength of your bond through love that will help you to overcome every lifes challenges. the perks might not always be there when your marriage… Make sure you bond as friends..I believe in one theory marriage established through friendship lasts forever…..Best wishes!

  172. After reading this story and all the various comments, I’m thanking God for 2 things: 1) That I am no longer single, and 2) That the Lord connected me to the man that he had prepared, chosen, and designed for me.

    If you’re a child of God, when you meet the one that the Lord has prepared for you, the spirit of God in you will bear you that witness that God Himself orchestrated the meeting, also called a divine connection. “Every good and perfect gift comes from God” and so everything you receive from Him is bound to have an aura of peace. I’m not interested in commenting on whether or not this lady is making the right decision because I’ve learned that people find it so easy to comment about a situation or offer advice when they’re not in those same shoes. Put them in those same shoes, and they won’t have anything to say again…..that’s human beings for you.

    May God perform His good work in every life and for all those who are looking up to the Lord for a life partner, stand on ISAIAH 62:4! I stood on this same scripture for years, and you can read my testimony at http://www.itunuandtope.com

    God Bless!

  173. I don’t think she settled. Clearly she has issues with her self esteem .. how else will you explain all the nonsense she went through with Bode? How can someone like that settle when she doesn’t even know what she wants. If you know what you want and you settle for something else, then that’s bad.
    Some people need guidance in their life and she seems like one of those. God has given her a man to lead her. The things she misses have no substance really. She thought she loved Bode but she didn’t – she was infatuated. What’s love without interaction? How can you love someone you hardly spend time with. Please that happens in fiction – it’s like the characters in a midsummer night’s dream.

  174. Mt two cents, you feel the biological clock is moving so fast, and there is a born again guy who you feel will do just fine, he is ready to marry you and there might be the fear that “no born again brother will come your way soon”. Don’t compare an exboyfriend with your present boyfriend. Are you settling for good or settling for the available? Babe you are in a dicey situation, 11 moths is quite a long time, period for courtship differs from one couple to the other, duration of courtship is relative, why not take your time, get the right feeling, for the right person, why the deadline of may????? Marriage is not a walk in the park, it’s alot of hard work and committment, when those challinges come, so many factos come to play, the awesome sex, the butterflies in your tommy, the feeling you married a godly man who is kind wont take the those challenges away, its God and the rigt foundation that will help you succeed, take your time build that solid foundation in God.As per the sex its a 50-50 chance, you should have the right feeling without sex, that sex will consumate all…………Go back to the one who you said selected/ handpicked your hubby to be, if you are convinced in your spirit the best is yet to some, if otherwise you know what to do

  175. Wow! finally read all the comments. Interesting views from all and i have picked more than a few pointers. The only thing that worries me however is the part where Folu said Tayo doesn’t get her.

  176. This is touchy indeed απδ most times we make such mistakes i̅n life.we’re driven by the things @ sight without considering the things @ heart

  177. This is a fantastic piece!!! I think that you have begun to understand the true essence of marriage and to distinguish between fantasy and the real thing. I would encourage all single sisters to take time and seek the face of God regarding the next guy that comes along with ‘noble’ intentions. I do believe that dating tends to becloud our judgement and gives little room for clear, objective assessment since we tend to ‘fall in love so quickly’.

    Nice piece.

    God bless you

  178. Hi. It’s a lovely story, It’s seems true but I hope it’s fiction. Either way, the story represents what a lot of people including me have experienced in the quest for true love.
    I’d make the decision I can live with.
    I’m a hapless romantic (the poem writing type) and I believe love comes first. I have heard people say things like I love my wife because she is God-fearing, loves God, dedicated bla bla. And l just smile to myself, thinking you don’t know what love is. i was once in love (or so I thought) with a ‘born-again’ christian who is godly and the like. I’m a Christian too, but I loved her not because of those reasons. She wasn’t even exceptionally attractive. But I loved her and she knew it. I had reasonable doubts cos’ the religion was everything to her. When I look back, she must thought she deserved me because she loves God. I couldn’t live with that, I love God too, but I love her because I love her. She treated me fairly well, called when she needed to, was caring and all but it was clear she was doing it for the marriage. I refused to settle…
    She simply couldn’t get it that people can love you because they love you, not because they just want to marry.

    Have you ever met someone who has a passion for his/her job? You can’t hide it. There was no passion in what she did. I couldn’t take the risk. As romantic as I can be, I still retain the reasoning to take calculated risks. I didn’t want to hope she’ll change after marriage. I simply want to be desired, I want to know that the person I’m with wants me to be there. I simply slowed down and in no time, she got married to someone else.
    The next girl I was seeing was a muslim, and a deeply religious one at that but if I was ever in love, it was then. We couldn’t marry for that obvious reason so we moved on, but everytime I see her, my heart still moves. I had to start avoiding her so that I could focus on finding somebody else. That is what I think it means to be in love. It about desiring someone more than anything else.
    I’m not sure I’ll get it eventually and I’m begin to agree that if I get to a certain age and nothing happens, I’ll close my eyes and settle for anyone who’s wants me. I think I can live with that. But first I must wait to be sure I won’t be missing anything. That way I won’t have many regrets…

    Maenwhile, blog owner, well done. Excellent piece! I’ll try to follow you.

  179. Never settle. That is not the plan of God for your life. You are settling bcos you prob think you don’t deserve it all. Many marriages like that hit the rock quickly and you just end up settling again for the children.
    Love can be overacted. But, i believe you need LOVE before you say I DO. Love is the basic of it.
    Think

  180. I’m interested to know wether she know’s this is the guy that God has said is for her. Or she’s just marrying because he is God-fearing. There is a difference.

    Romans 8:14.
    That will be the difference between this working or not.

  181. I’m a guy and the one I pity in this story is Tayo the xtian brother about to marry a girl who does not love him and he is just marrying him as a “settlement”. Folu is an extremely foolish woman who woulda been better stuck with a “fun” guy who would give her 30% all her life while keeping a nice harem
    At least that way, she can retain the butterflies. She would no doubt have died at 45 of a heart condition but it would hav all been worth it. Fun. Butterflies. “Love” as defined by f

  182. I’m a guy and the one I pity in this story is Tayo the xtian brother about to marry a girl who does not love him and he is just marrying him as a “settlement”. Folu is an extremely foolish woman who woulda been better stuck with a “fun” guy who would give her 30% all her life while keeping a nice harem
    At least that way, she can retain the butterflies. She would no doubt have died at 45 of a heart condition but it would hav all been worth it. Fun. Butterflies. “Love” as defined by feelings. All t

  183. I’m a guy and the one I pity in this story is Tayo the xtian brother about to marry a girl who does not love him and is just marrying him as a “settlement”. Folu is an extremely foolish woman who woulda been better stuck with a “fun” guy who would give her 30% all her life while keeping a nice harem
    At least that way, she can retain the butterflies. She would no doubt have died at 45 of a heart condition but it would hav all been worth it. Fun. Butterflies. “Love” as defined by feelings. All apparatus of flings rather than marriage. Marriage is forever, girls! The butterflies are veeery different when u are 50! So Tayos are not fun? Only for immature, small minded babes like Folu. I beg the Tayos of the world to avoid them.

  184. I have read most of the comments but I want to ask one question? What if the sex is bad cos I believe dy havnt had sex since they started dating. Sex isn’t everything but in a marriage u r abt to ‘settle’ for, it is important cos u would need more than ‘likeness’ to finally make that connection during lovemaking. I’m just saying though. In the end it is your life so u would ve to live with your decision. God be with you

  185. I may be wrong, but I don’t think its right to marry Tayo. Yes, love grows with time and even sex, but marrying Tayo will be very unfair. To him. If you don’t love a guy, its better not to settle. There is no rule that says you must settle down now. Wait to find someone who you long to hear from, whose memories make you smile…
    I strongly feel that marrying him will be doing to him what Bode did to you…

    Please have a rethink!!! You both deserve better!

  186. If U̶̲̥̅̊‎​ are A̶̲̥̅ true born again christian,U̶̲̥̅̊‎​ would actually know ‎​​Wђǻ†̥ marriage entails!!!!!!!becos marriage as an institution ordained by GOD shld av ϑ content σ‎​ƒ L♥√ع bt theres more to marriage than ℓ̊ L♥√ع U̶̲̥̅̊‎​ ,U̶̲̥̅̊‎​ L♥√ع ♏ε̲̣̣̣̥ !!!!!be wise………….

  187. You keep getting the same thing from all these men because you continue to give 70% and settle with them giving you 30% until YOU realize that you deserve more you’ll always end up with the same type of men. What you give off into the atmoshpere you get back. If you send out a vibe of insecurity/low self esteem/”I settle because I a just want to be married” vibe you’ll get a all that back. The men you get with are just as insecure as you are which is why they cheat on you, they cheat because they need and want to feel wanted…You are marrying for the WRONG reasons and you really need to think about what you are doing because once married you have entered into a SERIOUS committment with God.

  188. So one guy treats her like shit and she takes it…then with the next guy she decides to settle for mediocrity…she signed up her life to mediocrity for someone she doesnt have strong feelings for….it seems she just wants to get married before she hits 30…thats it..does she not know the meaning of balance…foolish woman…just because tayo seems like a better choice than Bode doesnt make tayo right…its like being happy for a slap because the last time you got a punch…when it is actually possible to not be hit at all..Because of the bullshit bode put her through she thinks settling for tayo is the way forward…and yes shes settling and its not a good thing…10 years in the marriage how would she feel about someone that doesnt give her butterflies…its not going to be all rosey…she will get bored..

  189. Women and men love differently. Sex does not equate love to a man, but a woman loses a part of herself every time she is intimate with a man. Love can grow through sex and intimacy for a woman. We are made differently (men and women).

    Open your eyes and be enlightened. Don’t be deceived by looks because they fade and wealth can be snatched away. What are you left with when those go? I would trade all of the above for a man of God who is after God’s heart. When you are old and gray, the rest of that superficial stuff all fades away.

    You will want someone who is your friend and someone you can talk to. Someone who doesn’t respect you DEFINITELY won’t be that person.

  190. If you ask me, you didn’t settle, settling would be if you were still calling Bode and begging him to take you back, you saw a good thing and went for it…. Kudos, the heroine gets the perfect guy in the end…. he might not be what your mind thought he would be, or what a beauty magazine defines as the perfect guy, but he’s custom made for you 🙂

  191. I do not judge. Everyone is different, and as someone who has always felt like the love I had for the men I’d fallen for was not equally returned, I can understand where she is coming from. The only issue I have is that she mentions (quite often) material possessions as things that she “fell in love with” when dealing with other guys. She KEEPS mentioning that Tayo might not have the best looks, clothes, shoes, or style…<<materialistic and NOT important. I think her issue is more attraction than anything, and that's understandable. She is indeed settling on that account, but I'm glad that she is willing to look past that for her peace. Like I said, I don't judge…and at least she is putting her life and the life of her future children in the hands of a man who (as she put it), "takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love". That is a BLESSING. Looks are important to some people (and apparently to her), but she sees the bigger picture–and for that, I can't be mad. I pray that God blesses her marriage and that she does end up falling IN LOVE with Tayo.

  192. This is a tale of desperation if you ask me. I personally do not like the idea of things being one way. There are good men out there who Love God and who do not have to be poor, ugly, wretched. And when a man loves God and has a relationship with Jesus, best believe he sure knows how to treat a lady right because his guide is the bible The butterflies tat you feel while walking down the isle, are part of the days beauty.
    I do not know about you but this whole idea of ‘settling’ just because you must get a ring before 30 has become rather mediocre. And she has no self worth, first dealing with a scum like Bayo, now settling for the next best thing

  193. my people oh she is settling…The way you love people is the reflection of the way you love God…your relationship with him teaches you how to love others… God said be either hot or cold for me cause if you are luke warm I will spit you out! By her saying he does this and that for me, but I don’t love him is selfish…That’s like me saying God you gave me your son, your grace, your mercies, your peace, etc… BUT I don’t love you… God doesn’t want that and neither does he want that for his children thats why he gave you a CHOICE….

    So I say all that to say she needs to re-evaluate how she loves because that is God’s purpose in everything he does for us with out love there is no drive or purpose without purpose there is nothing…no relationship no marriage….NOTHING

  194. Opinions are Like ASSHOLES ! Everybody Got One…Better not listen to all these babes, giving advise that they will never take.Until you walk a mile in someone’s exact shoes, you are in no position to be passing Judgment.
    To each is own my dear. Its better for a man to love a woman more anyway because a woman can always catch up. @ marrying at 34, hmmmmmm that like doing the right thing at the wrong time. Like still doing undergrad at 28.
    Be wise especially if you are not that fine,you better marry early.

    1. You’re right everyone has an asshole and your’s is showing right now… to say that she should marry now especially if she is not fine I see you have clearly missed the point… being married should never be out of pity or convenience although it is not a fairytale it is a major relationship and you need attraction and love to sustain it…you can get married hun….and also get divorced….what’s the point in that case?

  195. This story is like 90% of Nigerian marriages. Very sad and pathetic cos you have morons scaring these women into marriage before 30 whether they are happy or not. Most of them arent even happy. they are just managing nor have they had good sex because they decided to just take any dude just so they can get “married in time”

    First off I would NEVER marry a man I havent slept witgh. Not only would the sx happen before marriage, he would know WHAT I like, what I expect and I would know the same of him. while a guy being nice, mature, respectful, etc is important, sexual compatibility is just as important..I refuse tgo be like the many Naija women suffering in silence due to waiting for marriage sex then to be trapped in mediocrity.

    The Folu girl’s self esteem is obviously low hence her begging Bode like a goat..lol he must have been good in bed cos I cant think of any reason why she would accept that BS.

    Tayo sounds ok but I personally prefer a man with a personality and thankfully Im not the type to believe you cant have both. You can and I will.

    1. @ Fine girl
      Every1 is making there point all fine and cool but it just has too much sentiment in it. For most babes, the cycle never changes. U date a guy who doesnt send you much and pass up on the guys you can grow to love cos of ideaologies and fantasies and all types of rubbish. I have never had to experience such treatment in Any of my relationship but i know loads of women who have. For one sex isnt food. I still dont understand what the rave about great sex is. God forbid you marry a man and hes disabled tomorrow, do uou the go sleeping around because your downstairs is itchy? Two, woman need to look beyond the mistakes they make when defining passion and love. Bode was just straight passion. Had nothing to offer, had no respect for her emotionally physicallly financially and spiritually. So now that a great guy is dead in your face you dont know what to do with it. Matter of fact, you are being very ungrateful to God because he sent you what he knows is best for you. Thirdly woman need to face the guys that face them. My friends will always tell you, i pull whatever man i want because not only have i always prayed for double potion of favour like that of esther in the bibles, am overly confident from head to toes aside from great genes and any dog can sniff that from a mile alway.
      Lastly on a wordly p, yes i believe if you not physically the finest or thats not a strong area of yourself , then you should not be feeling like you should wait till 35. The same set of guys in this generation dont get replenished every yr after they are sold out. Your options get slimmer the longer you wait plus your once 15 year old jr sister will then be 22 and he fishing from the same pot you have been. I will definitely not retrack my statement. The world we live in is shallow. The sooner its embraced and everyone find better tactics, the better. Too many babes are living in insanity- dating the same kind of guys, getting the same results, and doing it over again. Every1 needs to figure out what works for them; God first, passion or love, looks , insanity etc

      1. Story. Yes SEX is food. That’s why there are so many miserable Naija women cos their pitiful men dont make them happy anywhere including the bedroom. There are OTHER men in the world other than Tayo and Bode and thankfully some of us are smart enough to realize that. anywhere didnt bother reading the rest cos Im sure it’s the same Naija gibberish that has no affect in my life. Ciao!

  196. Wow!!! This has inspired and intrigued me at d same time, I love this story and will surely, ‘Spread d word’. She is actually right about her decision, same situation with my parents who av been 2geda for 36yrs(and I’m convinced dey r perfect 4 each other

  197. I am sorry o, I will give my two cents. Bullshit, serious BS, considering this girl and I are age mates. I will be 28 this year and single, girl you are in for the shock of your life. You do not marry a guy you dont love, forget all that nonsense you wrote. To other commenters, he may be boring he may not, bottom line you are not in love with him. Love will grow, it will grow, nonsense. What will grow is companionship, familiarity, safety and security, which can easily be masked as love. We all want different things in life, but I want to marry a man that I love to distraction, someone I can talk shop with, someone I’ll be rushing home to, to take care of him and talk about my day with, or even vent my frustrations on, someone nothing else matters or exists as long as we are together, someone I can be proud of and someone whose goals and dreams match up with me, someone who will at times annoy the hell out of me, and we’ll fight like crazy, there’ll be times I’ll want to leave, but I’ll miss him so much I’ll be running right back
    I will not go as far as to say you shouldnt marry him, but at least prepare yourself for what will come, so that you can make peace with it. Like someone else wrote, just because you used to get a punch, now you get a slap you think you should be grateful. You dont swing from two extremes, The Almighty is an all encompassing Father and worshipping Him in spirit and in truth doesnt call for extremism. Commenters who are saying he is the Lord’s choice for you, bla bla think because someone is Lord fearing, automatically he is the right choice. She is just compensating for all the bad choices she made in the past. Only a few people are considering the guy in this issue. I he is she wrote, she is doing him a serious disservice. No one and I mean no one deserves to have a woman who feels the way about him before they marry. Folu you are about to make what appears to be a decent man unhappy. Surely the Lord that you say you believe in and worship, cannot be on your side, while you stand up in His presence and in the presence of friends and family and basically LIE, because that is what you will be doing. Those vows you will take in may are empty words, because you don’t mean them. If Tayo was your brother, cousin or son and you read this, would you be happy standing in church and let Folu marry him, even if you didnt love your husband when you married him. Seriously.

  198. Hmmmmn, dilemma, when you’ve gone through drought, the first sign of rain, you’ll call it a gift from the Lord. please dont be hypocritical. Those butterflies she is talking about is also rubbish and not true love, what she has with Tayo is nothing to be envied abeg. Folu you havent reached your jerusalem my dear, you just left Egypt. My situation is not similar, but there are common threads. I can honestly say and not bragging at all, I have never dated anyone like Bode, or even close. With good parenting and Grace, I have steered away from men like that. I dated a fine boy briefly, in all honesty, he never treated me badly one bit but there were so many issues and I dumped him so fast his head spun, because he thought he was some gift to women. Lol…so not all men who are good looking and co are horrible people, I beg to differ. My brother is one, and he is fantastic. Here’s my story and I will appreciate comments from strangers bcos the people around me are not very objective. I’ve know this guy for more than half a decade. We started out as friends, and everyone around me said he likes you, he likes you, I was like abeg, he doesnt, if he does i’ll know. Secretly I knew, but I was waiting for him to make a move. In my presence he dated 3 girls, and really I wasnt bothered because I didnt have any feelings for him. His girlfriends didnt like me one bit because they knew he liked me and they came second place. Long story short, life took us in sperate locations and we still kept in touch. The guys I dated also hated his guts because we talked so much, and they were like both of you are such padis you should be dating. To him I was some unattainable goal, that he wanted so much, he just didnt know how to go about getting, bcos some weird part of his brain, he didnt think he was good enough (he only told me this later on). Skip a couple of years, life made us live in the same location, and I was grateful here’s someone I know so well, the transition to a new place wont be so bad. He was still dating his girlfriend before I came, and it was serious, they were even planning introduction. This girl basically saw someone she can latch unto because his family is rich, and did everything to make his family like her, as she was advancing in age she saw him as her husband. I knew something was wrong about their relationship and I spoke my mind, he being who he was didnt want to let her down, and it even caused problems with us and I backed off. She asked him to stop talking to me and he agreed, and I made my peace with it. As he knew I was coming, I started hearing gist that he and the girl were having issues, a good portion of it was because I was coming and the girl was feeling insecure because she wasnt in the same place as him. Long story short, he broke up with her, didnt even tell me, and we kept on as buddy buddy. I didnt tell him I knew he had broken up, but I confronted him later. I really cant say till today when we started dating, I still stuck to my guns that he was my friend. I just realised one day that I introduced him to someone as my boyfriend, and it just went from there. FInally he has me, and its like oh my word, I cant belive she agreed to be my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and its been up and down. I know he loves me, he’s loved me for almost as long as we’ve known each other, my fear with him is zero peace of mind and confidence in him. The day he told me I love you, I was sleeping and he thought I didnt hear. This was after his mother confronted him that what is he doing with me, is she your girlfriend, isnt she, why are the both of you spending so much time together, bla bla bla. Imagine, he told me I love you, but not to my face.

    1. you said it yourself you dont have peace, what is love without peace? ur story sounds like me and my x Oluwaseun i loved this guy like MAD and he loved me like mad he chased me for 2years b4 i agreed to be his girlfriend but his family did not like me cuz his xgf worshipped dem n always sucks up to them am sori i not for that n i refused to do that and oluwaseun loves his family like crazy but yet stood up for me but how long wud dat last wen we marry all that willl change truss, so as much as i loved oluwaseun i had to leave the relationship after a year cuz what is love with no peace but i found my self going back cuz i loved him so much n cudnt live without him but to God be the glory i am free from him today after 10months of going back n forth with him and he has moved on n i av moved on to my very own tayo but i love my tayo only after i let go of the love n hurt i still held onto for oluwaseun. so personally i av lernt that anything to do with family run why cuz his family own him n u remember dat wen u marry him u become part of his family and they will control your marriage that is the simple truth. i wont advise u to leave him bcuz the devil you know is betta dan the angel you dont know o and you dont wanna go from fire to fry pan. i will advise you to pray to God cuz only God knows what the future holds if u marry him n God will surely speak to you n reveal to you what the future holds if u marry him so base ur decision on what God says thats my honest advise.

      i wish you the best sis x

    2. @ Dayo… am not gonna lie, reading story was quite exhausting chia.. me i dont like stress in all levels.. I will comot for the situation. (quickquick). I have learnt that stressing/going on about things does not necessary solve or will solve anything if a decision is not intended to be made..

      My opinion/advice: pray about direction and make a decision, stick with your decision and don’t regret(oh btw regret is also a decision)..

      Remember alot of the things you are feeling are through emotions…. EMOTIONS are very strong and they can rule you. You need to step out of this…

      ANyways whatever happens life is an experience, you both will learn from it.

  199. For a long time, I pretended as if I didnt hear him, and we carried on as normal. Situations changed in my life so much and he was really really there for me, which brought us closer, and in my mind I said to myself he has become your boyfriend and I didnt argue. Number one his family doesnt really like me, because I have refused to basically worship them because they have money. Thankfully I am from a middle class home, schooled abroad and co, but his ex girlfriends havent had the upbringing I have, so they were mostly in awe of his family. So they are used to his girlfriends worshipping the ground they walk on, and they wonder what the hell is wrong with this one, who you be sef. I have refused to let them intimidate me, and without any arguments or rudeness (my mama raised me better than that), I have silently let them know that their money means nothing to me. They have known me for years, as his friend, and had no issues with me, it was when I became girlfriend, that their expectations of me changed, and I have told him that look, if you wont stand up for me, who will. His family dynamics is polygamous and so complicated, it’ll make fuji house of commotion look normal (except no fighting and calling each other rude names). The family has so brainwashed they cant think independently of themselves, and it drives me crazy. I have really tried to make him stand on his own two feet, silently and it is working, to the point that his family now have ore grief to give to me, because they are attributing his change in behaviour to me. Trust me it is an uphill battle and I have broken up with him because of that. I missed him, he promised to change and we got back together, but people I dont know peace o. He has tried to steer me away from his family, and he has told them this is the woman he loves, and they should either accept me or back off. They ahve backed off to an extent, but there is still hidden animosity. He isnt a drinker like that, he doesnt smoke, he cannot womanise to save his life and he loves me so so much. Everyone tell me, and me sef I know. He has managed to win everyone we know over, that when I complain, they go are you crazy, a man that loves you like this, that will do anything for you, what else do you want. Funny thing is, these people dont really know him, because on the surface he looks ok, when you get to know him you’ll realise his life and the way he handles his affairs leaves much to eb desired. He cant seem to put his act together though, he cant settle on one thing and make up his mind on something. There are so so so many things i’ve had to handle for him, its like I am carrying his own weight and my own. He has a job o, that he loves and pays him ok, but i hate that he still depends on his family for money, and if he needs to do something, they are jsut a phone call away. They will give him the money, but they’ll make him feel shitty about himself, you think he will learn and not go back. I am obviously the strong one in the relationship, I am the go getter, the one who sets her mind up to something and does it, irresepctive. It may make be aggressive sometimes (ok, most times), but I was raised to be an achiever. he was raised to obviously be ok with mediocrity. It drives me crazy. Most of the major decisons, I will be the one to take it, and he will tag along, sometimes he will redner an opinion, other times, it will be whatever you say is bes. To the point, it is obvious, who is running things to our friends and family, and I look like the controlling bitch and he;s such a sweet guy. They dont know that without me, he cant basically call the shots, and even if it makes me look bad, I will protect his inadequacies and take the heat.

    1. Dayo

      are you sure you wanna live life like that? He’s still a baby..he wont be able to defend you much if he’d still relying on his family so much. Keep that in mind.

  200. Trust me, I am tired of this. I want a man that I can lean on, a man that I can trust that is handling things. He has all this big dreams and big goals, but its just that, I dont see him doing anything concrete to chase them. There are a couple of opportunities that he has missed because I refused to push him. Later on when we discuss it, it’ll be it is true o, and u said so o, if only I had listened, or if only you had said so. I feel like I am carrying the load of two people, pushing him, and pushing myself,a dn my fear is, if this continues, it will drag me down. He loves me, he loves me no doubt, but I am a strong woman and people say we compliment each other because a strong man wont work with me, and I disagree, but I dont want to sound ungrateful, because he’s great. he respects me, he’ll do anything for me, but I hate that he defers to me for serious issues. This is someone who’ll be husband and father, head of a household, and I cant even trust him to plan a holiday for us, without me stepping in. Some people may say I have control issues, and I agree, because I’ve basically become a control freak, but when I have someone who wont do stuff, should i sit back and let things spoil. the times I have let things go a little big, things have gone so wrong, it has even affected me. it is obvious, whose life is moving on personally and professionally. I have achieved things he hasnt have career wise and in other areas of life, it is as if he is catching up, and it is obvious to everyone. I have never disrespected him in public, contrary to that, but our friends know that I am boss lady, and I know that his family will just sit back and wait for me to misstep to pouncel He has asked me to marry him, and i said not yet, i want you to settle your life a bit. I am not getting any younger, and there’s a part of me that loves him for who he is. I know that we all have flaws, no one is perfect, but seriously, i came from a background where my dad sat back and basically let my mum run things, so maybe i am mirrorring that, but i dont want that kind of a marriage. in fact i swore i wont, yet here i am with someone who loves me dies, but cant seem to set his mind up to do something. i dont want a case where our kids will grow up, knowing that mummy is boss lady. There are so many things i want in life and want to expereince, that unless he goes back ot his parents, he wont be able to afford. In his family, if they bring the money, they’ll call the shots in your life, and that’s the last thing I want. He keeps wondering how come he got so lucky, that he has the whola package in a woman, unfortunately I cant say the same, I jsut smile, and swallow my reservations. If I maary him, i think i will be settling, honestly. That is why I havent said yes. He sticks to me like glue, not like he’s possessive, or anything, but he’s afraid and i mean scared shitless of losing me. He says that a lot, that if he slips up, another man will snap me up like that. He keeps saying he knows I dont love him like he does me, but that he has enough love for the both of us, and he doesnt mind, as long as he has me, I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. I’ve taught him a lot, adn shown him a lot, he’s a better person. I keep screaming in my head, what have you about me, how have i really gained from you, i take decisons, and you just okay it, and sit back, when it works out well, it’ll be i’m proud of you. I dont want ot sound like i’m complaining or anything, because there are loads of women who dont have a man that lvoes them like this, but is this lvoe enough. Is this even love or some sort of weird dependency. My fear is one day he’ll realise that he’s let me have my way and call the shots and he’ll walk out, or worse, he’ll feel so crappy about himself he’ll cheat with a woman who’ll massage his ego and think he’s all that and much more. True to form, I used to massage his ego adn stuff, but i’ve stopped for a while and tell it as i see it as respectfully as i can, because i dont want to enable him. We had a horrible fight months ago and he told me he’s let me call the shots and do stuff, bla bla, he apologised later, but i cant help but feel that if i marry him we’ll have that conversation again, but with worse consequences. Can someone tell me i’m not crazy and have long throat, that there’s a better man out there.

    1. Dayo. personally since you’re not married to this dude, you might wanna start dating others. Keep in mind I said DATE, not sleeping with or anythin g like that cos some people dont know the difference. Maybe being exposed to other guys will prove to you that you dont have to settle..you dont really sound happy. yea yea he loves you to death. fine. what about you? should be mutual. This is why Im always amused when women are jealous of their married friends. LOL you dont know if they’re happy.,..anyone can put a fake smile on for the cameras.
      Dayo you’re my namesake so I want better for you. open your heart to others.If it turns out that there isnt someone better for you..then at least you know you tried instead of actually regreting after the wedding.

    2. The question is, have you told him how you feel? If ye and no change then its on you to make a decision about what you are willing to endure. If no, then you need to ask yourself why not? How old are you two? Also you never know if a baby can walk if you carry them all the time. You contradict yourself at multiple points. You interjected yourself into his family situation as if he is you pawn and its a game to be won. Yet you want him to stand up for you against them. Dating while still attached to him is recipe for disaster. Stop playing games and be real, either you want a relationship with him or not. You can’t stick with someone with the hope of change, why be with them if you have to change them in order to be happy? Everything you typed says you are only there because of his love for you, and not your love for him.

      1. Can you tell me please, what multiple points i contradicted myself, because any criticism is welcomed. I have questioned myself over and over again, i had to put this up for strangers, to comment. I agree with your comment about always carrying a baby, how will you know they can walk. The difference is a baby will not hurt itself if it falls, but in this case, he ends up hurting himself, or derailing his plans, sometimes those plans also affect me, and I wished I had pushed him more, so he could have done something. It has become a pattern now, and its difficult to break and let go. Drives me crazy sometimes, but I focus on what is great about him, till his inadequacies rear up again and its an I told you so over again. I’ve learnt not to say i told you so anymore, and just keep quiet, even if I have to bite my tongue, and wait till he realises his error. He knows me and knows me well, and he’s great. We were friends for a long time, so we enjoy each other’s company and have history, so its comfortable with him and convenient. He gets me to an extent, and is familiar with all my idiosyncrasies and loves me for it, but there are times i wonder what type of love it is, that he feels like he has to do everything I want, or be in agreement with me because he doesn’t want to rock the boat, or he’ll do anything to make me happy. Some core things about my personality he can’t relate, he just doesn’t get why I am so driven, I get comments like, don’t know why you are disturbing yourself sef, learn to relax. I don’t have family money that I can fall back on, or any safety net anywhere. Contrary to what you may think, I am not a business woman o, just a salary earner with regular 8 – 5pm hours, but i’m good at my job, and i really don’t see myself hustling for one career position, trust me because I want to have time for my family. If the man i marry can’t give me the peace of mind, that will let me relax and be a wife and homemaker while he sorts the family out, even if we love each other, how long will these last, when life’s pressures start. I am not with him only because he loves me, I am just questioning if my love for him doesn’t have something to do with the control freak part of me, which is glad I can get my way. I know I won’t get my way for long and I really want to loosen the reins, but if i can’t trust that he will be there to pick the reins up, what is a girl to do. Sit back and watch him implode, I can’t do that to a man I love, not to talk of my children.

      2. Yes, we have talked about it, till i am blue in the face. Yes, I agree with you, you are correct. I would like to know what you think, and he goes you know articulation isn’t what i do best, take this few words as what i really mean. BS, when it is time to gist, he can talk and talk, you’ll want to shut him up. Age isn’t anything I am worrying about, I’m older than Folu though, and so is he, but ignore my last comment about age, I just want to know the relationship is going somewhere that we will both be satisfied with. I don’t want to meet someone later when i’ve married him and start comparing and wishing i hadn’t settled. Sometimes familiar doesn’t meant right, or comfortable doesn’t mean acceptable. If I sound like I am grumbling or not being grateful for what I have, please I am not. I just don’t want to be pressured to marry him, or marry him out of pit.

      3. @Dayo
        When I said contradicting yourself, maybe you should step back and examine your role in this situation. You keep saying how you have to push him to do this or that, you say with pride how you are boss lady and everyone knows it, you put yourself into his dealings to ensure the ball won’t get dropped, yet you want him to be “that guy” whom does these things without the need of your pushing. Well newsflash, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. He will eventually figure it out, or not. Regardless you much decide your own fate rather than hold on to someone who hasn’t exhibited the drive to change. What more motivation does one need to get up get out and get something than the love of a strong woman? He has been raised to be a dependent his whole life. He even selected a woman he can depend on for support and guidance rather than be that support an guidance to her. He doesn’t plan on growing as a man because he is content to live off your spoon feeding. Your love for him is great, but you holding on to the reins all this time has only fed his passive attitude to the point where he’s content to be led. Think about it this way, if you put to plants into one pot and one is blocking the sun from the other what do you think happens to the one that doesn’t get sun, it whithers. You may have to step to the side so he can become a self-motivator and grow with needing help. Just my two cents. Blessings

  201. WOW! I was literally sick while reading this. Folu was broken before she met Bode. While she dated him, if you can call it that, she further subjected herself to more damage mentally. Folu allowed pretty much everything that Bode did to her to happen and used the word love as an excuse. Regardless of how much she thought she loved Bode, she has obviously forgotten how to love herself. To many times people endure hardships a relationship under the guise of love. Granted she may have loved Bode, but only because her definition of love is skewed. Her understand of the true manifestation of love is clouded in the world’s misconception of love. Even when she wrote that her mother told her that once sex started the love would come, is disheartening. That would be purely lust. Instead of marrying Tayo, she needs to seriously seek counseling to help her repair the hole that is in her heart. One that based on what she says her mother said, was created long before Bode came and made the hole even larger. Folu whole assumption that she is settling is so very unsettling to me. How is being treated right be settling?! Regardless of how Tayo treats her, she has to have some sort of physical connection with him, that precludes sex. anyone can force a relationship based on desperation. Tayo doesn’t deserve to be put into that type of situation, and neither does Folu. You can move on to the next one withut first understanding self. Understanding why she allowed herself to be mistreated and used. Bode told her that he didn’t deserve her only to make sure the “crazed girl” doesn’t come and mess up his fututre. That’s game. He realized that he could use her until he got tired and then feed her the old line of its not you, its me. This was only used to deflect the emotions of anger to sadness to prevent an altercation. Afte reading some of the post, we must all WAKE UP! Wake up and realize that we have to value ourselves more than we value what someone else can do to us or for us. Folu longed for Bode for what he did to her. whether that wa to make her feel wanted or to make her feel good sexually. she endured the hardships because the alternative was too hard to bare. How can being with someone whom mistreat you be better than being by yourself?! Shouldn’t you be worth more than being mistreated?! So then she moves on to Tayo whom she really doesn’t want but can’t figure out a good enough reason to not be with. Regardless how good he treats her, she still feels as if she is settling because she is still broken inside. Also just maybe because he is not whom God has sent her. You would never feel as if you are settling for God’s gift to you if it was truly God’s gift to you.

    1. @BC – somehow I couldnt reply directly to your last commnet, so i am using this one below to reply. Come to think of it, I havent really looked at it from that perspective before. I’m always meddling, how do i think he will be able to do it himself, and be “that guy” who can. Lord knows I’ve been praying for patience just to ignore and let him do it, but there’s a part of me who doesnt want to see him fail at something, and protect him because he really feels crappy about himself when that happens, and I have to pick up the pieces, and cheer him up. It is not my job to protect him from failing, he should be able to have his own defence mechanism. It has almost become instinctive for me to want to protect him, because I believe, you should protect the ones you love, I must have crossed the line from protective to enabling without recognising it. We all learn by our failures, and I’m better at a lot of things now, because i’ve had a lot of practice, both successfully and otherwise. I can see now, that I havent given him the same opportunity to experience that, and basically continued from where his mother left off. We have talked and talked, he keeps saying i dont want to lose you, i dont want to lose you, I am trying to be the man that you deserve and someone you are proud off. I’ll feel guilty for making him feel unworthy, and not complain. I know I cant do this for the rest of my life, because we will end up resenting each other. My interference has obviously not helped, and wont help, because around me he is never going to change. I also need to change my boss lady habits and he isnt helping. A couple working as a unit, should help each other grow, and be better people, not fester each other’s bad qualitites, like a drug addict and a dealer. He really is blocking my sun, I know that, i’ve always just thought, I am strong enough to withstand anything, and I can be strong for the two of us. That analogy of yours about the two plants really hit it home, and this has been a form of purgatory for me. Talking to a stranger can sometimes be better than a familiar face. Thank you so much for this. I have seen a lot of my married friends take the slack for their husbands, and they’ve not even been married for 5 years, and they already look worn out and tired, while the guy is all dandy, chubby cheeks and gaining weight. I dont want that for myself

      1. My reply to you wasn’t for you to give up on him. It was meerly to show you that you both have a part in the relationship that isn’t quite right. You are way ahead of him in realizing that something needs to be done. Sometimes issues can’t be worked on together but rather independently of one another so the love for that person won’t allow you to lose sight. You can work it out but you have to be realistic and know that love is an ongoing struggle for most. The people whom we choose to be with aren’t always going to be evrything that we want or need them to be from the jump. Even though you say your guy can’t communicate the way you’d like, he does seem to be more intune with his emotions and feelings than most guys. He does seem to show you the love that you want/need. So the next step is to allow him to BE the man that you need, which partly the role that you have been doing to make your relationship complete. You two sound like a good couple because yu compliment one another, but you both need to strive to be able to grow independently so you can be stronger as a couple.

      2. Let him be a man. stop picking up after him every minute. if that doesnt wrk you are gonna have to be strong and MOVE ON cos the resentment will get worse within marriage abeg.

    2. Hey, thanks again. I know we compliment each other, I have never doubted that. I just feel that we feed of each other’s bad habits. If i use the word independent with him, he’ll freak out and think I want a breakup. We tried a trial separation once, and we were both misreable, it achieved nothing, and we fell back into old ways. So trying to make each other grow independently will be really tough. I have been trying recently to back off when he has soemthing he needs to do, and he’s accusing me of not caring anymore what happens to him. I have tried explaining that I want him to be able to do things, without my intereference and the reply has been, I am taking us on a path of the two of us living sepearate lives, if I dont want to be involved. I guess he is just used to be being there and doing stuff, he finds it difficult to comprehend why I wont anymore. I guess my response to him now should be, let me know what you are doing, carry me along, but only call on me for help when you are absolutely sure you need it, or when you are clear on a cause of action. You dont need me to validate your reasoning, or tell you what to do. If you think doing it one way is best, do it, and be ready to face the consequences of your actions and learn from it, failure is a part of life, because when i get invovled, i have the tendency to take over, and he just lets me. Not that I am proud of it, its just what happens.

  202. Well, this seems to be quite a deep and sensitive issue. I am in support of finding that man that loves God and, values you ans a person, cherishes you and would do anything and everything for you, but on the part of the woman, i think it would be disastrous to be going into a marriage knowing you are settling, because believe me, whether its 30yrs after the marriage you will still cheat. This is because deep down, you have always known that you settled.in as much as he is a comfort zone for you, you should realise that when you feel confident enough, you will step out of the comfort zone and explore. Please do not settle!!!that mindset will not make a marriage work. Its unfair to the man,whom you intend to marry,he also needs to know that the way he feels about you is being reciprocated. If truly, you are being sincere to God, then you will know that settlement is not ideal. We all know a bad guy or smart guy will not give you anything good. Whoever they finally settle with ends up regretting, so be happy you didnt end up with the likes of Bode.I am not for Bode,but i will implore you to only marry Tayo, if you truly know he will make you happy 30 yrs from now when you are old and grey and all the sexiness is gone. and not that you had to settle for him

  203. This actually saddened me…seemed the writer has given up on herself in this quest for love. The obvious daddy issues are screaming from every line. She can grow closer to God, but it is not helping her grow closer to self. Seems to me that men are dictating her life-even this one that she does not actually desire. And my question, as her mother, would be this…what happens if a new Bode walks into your world?? Doesn’t seem she’s grown enough to prepare herself for that, b/c if she had, she wouldn’t be settling with a man whom she seems to deem unworthy of her. Instead of being the giver-sounds like she is relishing in being the taker. I really feel sorry for the man who has committed to spend his life with this woman…I believe Tayo should run like hell from what I believe will be a very unloving marriage. The writer sounds confused-11 months later and you feel nothing but think you will going forward? If during this courtship you feel nothing, what would make you think that someone in your face 24-7 whom you neither love nor even lust is going to end? Very sad thinking in my eyes…sounds like a woman who just wants to be married…telling us about her pleadings to Bode told us a lot about the character of the writer…I’d loved to have delved into the relationship of her parents. But even without extended knowledge…sounds like a bad cycle.

  204. I read this and I was shaking my head. I would have laughed, if it wasn’t so sad. How can a woman’s self esteem be so low, that she believes moving from one extreme to another is okay and she is shamelessly and hypocritically hiding behind religion. “handpicked by the Lord”, I think I actually vomited in my mouth, when I read that. Where was all this religion when she was dating Bode? You don’t conveniently pick and choose when it comes to matters of worshiping and serving the Lord. Just because he is godly doesn’t make him right for her. The sad part here is, the victim here is Tayo, the poor fool who is getting the short end of the stick, because she may not know it yet, but she is going to make him unhappy and he doesn’t deserve it. I mean to admit that you are getting married to a man that you don’t love, you have searched into all the crevices of your heart to come to that decision, and after 11months, that’s all she can say. She is conveniently forgetting her faith here, because she is going to stand up in church and say vows that are untrue to the point of sacrilegious sef. Loads of comments on the site, but if I could tell her one thing, it’ll be confess all you typed to Tayo’s face, and watch his reaction, and what he has to say. If he still wants to marry here after that, then more’s the pity, cos they deserve each other.

  205. From a married person’s perspective… Love is the most overrated word on the planet…. Love in marriage is the conscious CHOICE to place your life in someone’s hands…. Love and attraction is nice, but believe me, not enough… Why do you think a lot of western countries have very high divorce rates (they mostly marry for love) while arranged marriages in naija and india seem to last forever? All about the mindset… If you choose to marry a man… you will love him if you want.

    And for all those saying what if Tayo is horrible in bed…. What if Tayo is a stallion in bed…. Tayo doesn’t have nice cloths, doesn’t have a six pack… all those are things that are very easy to fix….

    Even if you seemingly marry the perfect man, who loves you, has money, waits on your hands and feet.. he can change overnight.. very easily.

    The only thing we know is the man we marry today… not the man he will be in the future… Only prayer can guarantee you a good man in the future. If today, he is a respectable man, who you trust, who loves you and you are confident that you can live a lifetime with him… Please marry him… and pray to God that all those other things that you want, he will give you. She needs to pray that he will be a champ in bed, keep loving her and her children, have money, that she will love him and she will live a happy life.

    This woman thinks that 28 is old to be getting married… so she is ready… The probability that she will get a better catch is 50/50… Also the probability that Tayo will turn into her dream man is 50/50 too. I don’t think she settled… she grew wise that’s what happened.

  206. Tayo is not the right one for her, but he’s the way to the right one. He has shown her what it feels like to be loved and now she oughts to look for a man who can make her live that experience and who’ll also live the same exeperience through her. Most times we confuse friends with lovers and that’s where we make our mistakes. She doesn’t love Tayo and never will. As things are right now, should Bode come back, she’d be right back laying on her back for him. Mum has taught us daughters to marry a man who loves us more than we love him, but she always insist on the fact that we must love him. If you don’t love a man, you can’t live with that man.

    1. Disagree somewhat, its not that she doesn’t love Tayo, be rather she doesn’t understand what beng in love is. Tayo very well could be the guy for her eventually, but until she takes the time to figure how to love herself she is no good to anyone. Should seriously should step back and repair her self image and then concentrate on finding out what love means to her. After that if she discovers its not Tayo fine, but if she tries to figure it out while married to him, you are right, she’ll only end up back in the bed with someone, maybe Bode maybe not

  207. @ Temi Ni Nkem

    Sex is food?… all the food una dey chop, where has it gotten you? Nigerian people are just greedy and women are inclusive. Dick greedy … always thinking there is better smashing else. its better to be content with what you have.
    I am engaged to man who i chased me for 3yrs and put a 4carat on it in 3 weeks. Trust God will not take you somewhere he will not be able to sustain you. Only when ur flesh now decides to take over. Then you have yourself to blame. Sex Aint Food. Its not water or air …. Its only should be enjoyed with the person you love (husband) and not just any idiot whose junk hangs longer that your husband.

    1. I call it food. what are you gonna do about it? oya come and beat me. shio. Just writing garbage gibberish that has nothing to do with anything. Are you looking for congratulations or what? why are you so obsessed with my comment anyway? Please go to sleep or go have some sex with your fiancee instead of bothering me.

  208. @DAyo, Your’s is a complete dilemma. But the delightful thing is you sound very sensible and have been able to Identify all the ‘what if’s and possibilities of things going wrong in your situation. I trust you with God’s guidance to make the best decision. No one here can say ‘leave him’ or not because we do not know the other dynamics present in the relationship.

    There might be other ways of getting him to ‘man-up’ and u relinquish the ‘boss-lady’ persona, maybe you can see a therapist together or an older friend who you absoultely trust to be of sound judgement. Goodluck in whatever decision you make.

  209. Really i dont understand u guys. Do u guys really xpect her 2 marry dis Bode guy. U guys still remember him, stupid, lying, cheating, callous, hrtless, i might add hia, wicked bode, who had no regard for her, just bcos d ant is fun 2b wit? Wat happens wen she marrys dis guy. Can she cope wit d cheating? Can she cope wit d neglect? 4Christ sake, he doesnt evn apologise. She does d apology tin 2. Wil she always b content wit dt? Evn if she wont cheat if she marries ds guy, just cos he can satisfy her sexually, wil dt b enof. Ofcos not. She”ll eventually wither away. She”ll die a painful and slow death and Mr. fun wil rush off 2marry anoda babe. Bliv mi, fun guys are always lik dt. She is beta wit ds God fearing man now. She”ll no lasting peace. She”ll b content and most importantly, she”ll b valued.

  210. hi Tolu
    Its funny cos u re already in luv with Tayo. The butterflies might not b there for now but when they come u ll b amazed at how strong. A lasting relationship/marriage is one built on more solid bases liketrust, care, joy, peace and most importantly the fear of God. Congrats dearie because marrying this man is the best decision u ll make

  211. Hold up people …she sounds like shes very perfect.what are the wrongs she did in her past relationships.?who is she ?does she(folu) know swho she really is?
    Me i want to hear from bode n hear his side of the story …
    I ll not jugde a one sided joke like the one folu is putting out here

  212. Am in support of her final choice of marriage. Most ladies and gentlemen often make the mistake of believing that their spouse would change but in truth and light the reserve always is the case. I know of a girl who has dated different guys both young and old in the same area and outside both single and married men believing that one day they would marry her. But she keeps making the same mistakes on and on. For example she constantly knowing that they cheat on her and she condone to such act which on the long run they (guys) end up dumping her for another girl. Recently the last serious relationship she was in or still in but secretly dating or sleeping with the guy thinking people do not know because the guy in question is married to another lady who he has being dating for years and still she seeing him and the most annoying thing is that she denies to him that she is not seeing or dating someone else which she is and i often wonder why she believes or seem to think she own him any explanation on who she is dating. Also she believes he would still marry her after he just got married few months ago. She has this mentality of her man being the sole provider, rich and handsome but sincerely, she is just wasting her youthful age on people who do not give a rat ass if she is happy or not. One problem i have noticed about her is that she has complex problem and her idea or motion about relationship is swallow because even when she see or catches her man red handed she’s still the one begging, it baffles me. I believe everyone desires to be happy and loved but first we should be true to ourselves on what we want in a relationship and steak to it. Thanks. Mark

  213. wonderful piece up there, love every bit of it and it is my prayer that every man or woman falls in love with the one he/she actually loves. i disagree with you on the latter part dear, you dnt not marry any person because love has not been fair to you, and sex does not increase love. I kind of pity the man who will force himself to love the character in the story. he will require extra energy and his effort wld ave been wasted if ur ideal man comes in… of cos you feel safe and secured but are u being faithful (faithfulness here doesnt mean you not cheating on him but love being mutual) to him with ur heart? this and many question i will like to ask but it looks like the subject is well discussed in the comments other people have raised…

    that is a wonderful piece dear, keep it up and God bless your creativity

  214. i quite agree wt ”purpleicious gal” and identify wt ”mbysugar”…inasmuch as we continue to bring fantasy into reality,it should be well understood that marriage is a soo ”lonng thingy” that it jus has to be ryt from the onset,if not, there will be so much endurance and unhappiness..all the attrction and love and sweetness..sexiness and all just beeen on point are all laid out in the Bible,,its never intended by God for us not to enjoy love/marriage…as for me oo, it has to be on point cos thats the drive till the end!!..Couples that have to endure or pt up wt one or two things end up wt a miserable silent life..so jus rest all hopes n aspirations in God oo n tell Him what you want..and iknw Hes gonna gv the BEST….
    my point is that you can have all u wish for and want and still be Godly…u dont have to settle if you dont love….if the love doesnt grow wt courtship(to atleast test all waters) then isit wen u start vin kids??..trust me you’d cheat over n over again and then its SIN!!!,,

    1. SEX would never make up for love ooo!!!will just worsen it….only if folu is not telling us the actual thing..you can fall in love for all the reasons tayo has come to be but if it dint happen in ur 11mths of courtship..then, its very slimm!!!! but for you getting into another bode is heart crushing and twill leave you wounded and jumpin from bode to bode…Love tayo for who he is and gradually….if you can!!!

    2. lool @ mona its not purpleicious gal… ohh.. its purpleicious Babe… but thanks for referencing me..#winks# ..

      u are on point and I get ur drift.

  215. Thoughts raged through my heard as i read this…. The piece is true and worth learning from….but had to pause and ask myself if i was learning the right thing when i read the comments also.
    CONCLUSION!!! This world is so opinionated to consider what is right or wrong. the only best way to having a fulfilled marriage it to stick to only one opinion and truth- GOD!! No one can show you the right way to go about marriage, not even a counselor..the best they can do is to advice. it all boils down to you and God. I have my advice from this piece–follow after God and wait for HIS grace for the right choices.

  216. sorry, your just selfish. its all about u and how he treats u but u don’t even have the decency to love him. this is how adultery comes along…

  217. God bless ur pure heart Folu. Hmm dis is more like readin my own story. All the guys I truly loved just took me for granted. The last guy I dated broke up with me via e-mail after 3yrs,by then I was already 32! Eventually I settled @ 34 d man I married is d exact opposite of all I looked forward to in a man. He adores me but I feel nothin 4 him even after 5yrs of marriage, I’ve never cheated on him and I neva will. I somtym wonder wat it’ll v bn lyk if I’d married someone I truly love. My consolation is my two lovely girls, I love them to death. Make no mistake, the love doesn’t grow with sex. If it’s not there it’s not there.

    1. Im sorry that you’re in a loveless marriage sisi. I cant imagine being happy when Im not in love with my bf, not to talk of husband. Hopefully things will be different for your daughters

  218. Great write up and i will definitely follow Loiswise when she said “Settling at times settles all that is needed to be settled in one’s life” To me, Tayo clearly seems like a better choice than Bode. With Tayo comes peace and happiness which are the bedrock for any Marriage/Relationship heading up.

  219. i don”t think she’s settling, i think she”s being selfish.marriage or any relationship is not about what you can get but what you can give.can she give tayo her all without being in love with him?why then do we ridicule arranged marriages that were done in the past?those ladies were told love would come eventually but what if it doesn”t?looking at it from Tayo”s point of view how would he feel if he knew the woman he loves doesn”t love him back(which is what she says Bode has done wrong)?she didn’t say but she’s obviously had sex with Bode and Tayo might be a virgin.what if the sex isn’t good?what if the sweeping feeling of love doesn”t come?

  220. My longtime friend, who i rarely see because we have lived in separate states for more than 5 years, just forwarded me this posting. Somehow she thinks this woman’s story and mindset apply to me. I am responding not to make comments about another individual’s choices and situation, but in hopes that she will come across this posting and finally let her pride, ignorance, and fears about my relationship sift away. In hopes that she will finally come to understand that I am an intelligent adult who makes her own choices and is in posession of all of her faculties. I have no regrets. If she cannot live with that and stop pushing her desires and needs on me, then we will never get out of the ditch that our friendship is now in. If she thinks I need some sort of salvation, I ask that she keep me in prayer… but keep pushing and you will push me away.

  221. This woman… is a complete imbecile.

    How can you marry someone and HOPE to have feelings later? How can you say that when you have no feelings now that the feelings will come later – when you had NO feelings in the first place?

    Love is a response to the manifestation of your ideals.

    HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHO ISN’T YOUR IDEAL? SOMEONE YOU ARE SETTLING FOR?

    Olodo.

    Why do our women always have a need to bring “god” into marriage matters? Who told you arranged marriages work? Do you think if these women had a choice, they would marry the dudes they were set up with?

    I pity Tayo… who must be a first class virgin and douche bag not to see that the woman you’re about to get married to is NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. He probably also believes in “god” too. Religion has caused enough problems already – killing of twins, no contraceptives, kill infidels, no meat on fridays (what the fuck?) – now you want to bring it into marriage?

    There are a lot of SHAMELESS women here encouraging her to go ahead… with the GHASTLY MORON of a woman on this comment page who admitted that she didn’t love her husband and instead adores her daughters! And the man is probably thinking otherwise. I hope he finds out and cheats on her constantly.

    FUN DUDE is my hero in this entire comment diarrhea filled with lopsided idiots who are quoting the bible in every sentence. Like one person said, if Tayo were your brother would you encourage him to marry this foolish woman? I also want to applaud FUN DUDE for pointing out that not only is this anti-hero of a woman SETTLING, but also that she’s probably not worth Bode’s time.

    Temi Ni Nkem is the prototype that Nigerian women should embody… how can you get married to a man without knowing his sexual appetite? Why would I get married to a woman without knowing if we match sexually? Nkem will get married when she’s ready and will have the pick of the litter while IDIOTIC, SCHIZOPHRENIC, CHURCH DANCING and DELUSIONAL nigerian girls will keep complaining that the Bodes are heartless and SETTLE for the Tayos in loveless marriages.

    Pitiful.

    Nkem is probably the type of girl who can catch a man and keep him while the rest of you expect “god” to handle everything… that “god” will speak to you and show you the “RIGHT” man to marry.

    JESUS!

    How many of you have EVER heard “god’s” voice?

    ZERO. NADA. NIL. ZILCH.

    If we were to get 200 people who have “heard” “god’s” voice and ask them to perform a mimicry of what they heard, you would hear 200 DIFFERENT vocal tones. This is because the poor schizophrenics want to believe so much that “god” is in a personal conversation with them that they give him a voice of their OWN making.

    Pathetic.

    You see, I’m glad that our men are no longer interested in marrying girls who are just fine and have POOR skills in bed. Yes ladies, the bar has been raised. It’s not enough to cook and wash clothes – we are ready to outsource that for increased play in the bedroom. VIRGINITY is NOT a golden ticket either… this isn’t the 1800s you know. You think prayer will solve anything? It won’t. Pray ONLY in church, then use your BRAIN in real life… I’m sure “god” didn’t give you that for nothing.

    If you doubt me, marry a Tayo and live the rest of your boring sexless life in misery.

    The irony in this whole story is that no woman here would EVER want to be in the shoes of this Folu… yet they encourage her to destroy her life… with “soothing” biblical sayings.

    Where is the love, people?

    SEX IS NOT FOOD?!!

    Moe… you must have been sniffing the burnt pubic hairs of an Anambra female goat to make such an unbelievably idiotic statement.

    1. You make some good points, but the venom behind it is what I don’t quite understand. Why are you so angry? You have a right to your opinions about this lady’s story, your lack of belief in God and those who serve Him but the hostility is uncalled for; people’s opinions may differ from yours but it doesn’t make them less than yours.

  222. I think the words speak for themselves, if you feel that it is “settling” then it is settling. I personally would advise against entering in such a serious commitment with someone unsure, or with a negative implication. Outside of what Tayo looks like, or whatever, marriage is a serious thing. It’s a life long commitment. So I’m not going to touch on the which is better- hot and fun, or okay and loving- because that’s not the point. This is a wedding, and if you walk down that isle and then change your mind you will crush that sweet man. It’s not just about you in the end, it’s about both of you, and if you can say that you don’t love him now it’s not a good start. I think it would be best to focus on what’s going on inside and fixing yourself before committing to anyone. Hot or not.

  223. I don’t understand how she can say that she is settling. If she really look at what God has given her(in Tayo) she would be thankful, love this man for all that she says he gives to her, and realize she isn’t settling. She was settling with the losers she dated in the past. Recognize real when you have it!

  224. True talk Temiville, well xplained in undescribable words. Folu, ure blessed with Progress and a better life, pls wat more can u b asking fr?

  225. First there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to love and marriage..so it might work out or it may not work out..
    Life is not about what happens to you but how you react to it..
    Folu so far your reaction points disaster!! you have just found every girls dream and you call him a “good man” God knows I will never marry a man that calls me a good girl..why? you may ask..because I am Oloruntoyin..simple and I want my hubby to say describ my personality not my morals… and then people who dont have a close relationship with me can call me a good girl based on outward perception..
    do I make sense at all???
    I dont think you even fancy him otherwise by now you would have seen past his “good nature” and seen his whole round personality..
    My advise pls leave this “good man” for a woman that will really see him OR change your perception of him..I know someone who married a man that loved her more when the one she loved broke her heart but today her hubby is her best friend and partner in crime/gossip …don’t know how she fell in love with him but I do know that when she dated him she always described him as a normal guy that is in love with her and spoiling her..yea she admitted not loving him as much as her ex..but never compared them or spoke regretful.
    They had a rough start and trust me all the “I go die love he did died away when they said I do until she got her act together..
    Men want to be loved back as well…especially when they get married to you. They are practical and come to the realization of marriage before most women..we still want boyfriend moves meanwhile oga has moved to husband moves.
    My point is you have started off with a wrong mindset and you need to change your mindset and self talk..like someone mentioned love is a decision..if you want to marry him please for goodness sake talk about him with pride and joy..you don’t have to be in love to do that..but those ingredients and NOT sex will lead to love in the long run.
    I have decided that I must not marry a hunk and because of this I have told myself that if a guy laughs at my jokes, loves God like I do and flows with me to the extent that we are real with each other then I will fall in love with him!!!
    simply because I want to love my husband…

    The bible says a wise woman builds her home..the ball is on your court after the wedding, if you continue in this attitude your so called boring Tayo will begin to catch his fun with someone who sees him as he is…not just as a good chirstian guy..and you will become the boring wife!!

    Change the way you see him and the way you talk about him…in the absence of love show respect, appreciation, if you have nothing wonderful to say then say nothing and if you are now being a good christian girl by abstaining because of him..then you better show him your true self..who knows the guy is probably after you because he sees the fun girl and wants a part of that..
    But you have sent you matrimony to a boring doom!!

    Wish you all the best!!

  226. Love this story. I gueSs I just av 2 stick 2 God and nt alwaz pik d fun guy. I dnt wnt 2 v 2 worry ma pretty head 24 /7.God will help me,Amen.

  227. I notice she never said what she was bringing to the relationship. It was all about what she wanted. In my opinion her fiance is going to regret marrying her.

  228. if she said God choose him for her, then it will work out, but if not then you never know. some guys are loving at the beginning of relationship but are monsters once they get married, we have seen it real live and in Nigerian movies. As far God told her he is the right one then i don’t think he will be bad. he makes her a better person, and that is the kind of person God chooses for us, someone who will make us better and challenge us. enjoy ur marriage Folu. but ALSO ASK YOURSELF SOME QUESTIONS, how well do i know him? do i know his past? did God say yes, or you assumed that he is the one? why don’t you pray again or ask your pastor for guardiance, cause once u re in u re in, and u knw it is nt easy to get out. i myt b a teenager, but i av heard and seen a lot about marriages.

  229. unlike u im not that lucky i decidd 2 waste my life loving a man who compensated me with mariage without regards 2 my person let me clarify u mor e.g if i argud with somone he comes out openly & defend d person him if im sick im on my own 6 months ago i had a miscarriage i bled throughout the night my husband woke up in the morning had his bath and went 2 his cousins christianing i had to clean up went2 lok4 a hospt 2clean me up dear its beta a man loves u more dont show him u love him more

  230. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I
    find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your
    next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!

  231. Wow that was strange. I just wrote an extremely long comment but
    after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyway, just wanted to say excellent blog!

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