The Cake or the Icing…

Hi people!!!

How are you? There is so so much to report and I shall do so in the following weeks. You will find a little update in the last paragraph!!!

Now to the day’s post: I have found myself in a position where people feel the need to ask me for advice on relationships and marriage. Im no expert but I read a lot and this informs a lot of my views and actions. I have also learned so much in my year of marriage that I feel like I am right on this one. There are two major points that I must make:

1. Always choose the cake over the icing; and
2. One man’s cake is another’s icing.

Folafunmi is my 27 year old cousin who reached a relationship crossroads last month. She called me and after a 15 minute long explanation, she ends with: Sister Temi, what do I do? Who do I pick? She has two young men on her case. The one is a fine gentleman with a great job that keeps him ALWAYS busy. From her description, they get to meet up for lunch or dinner twice a month. He hardly ever calls and has gone 3 days with no communication only for him to return her call finally and say “I have been so busy”. The other has an okay job that keeps him semi busy from 9 to 4. He has a lot of time on him hands and he spends that time calling her, texting her and trying to meet up constantly. He is not as serious as the former and goes partying, clubbing, weddinging (yes, I coined that) all the time.

Folafunmi’s story exemplifies what many go through in various forms. In cases like these, I feel the matter boils down to what you want as a woman/man. You need to know yourself and the things that make you happy and you need to respect what and who you are. If you are mushy type, you have NO business being with someone who cannot say I love you and who genuinely doesn’t see the utility in calling, checking up etc.

For me, stability, dependability, integrity, character, godliness, maturity and prospect are my cake. The lovey dovey is the icing which can over time be taught/learned till a compromise is reached and frankly, and icing-less cake is fine by me. Not every woman shares my sentiments. I have friends who must be wined and dined for them to feel loved. I have a friend who cherishes love notes and I have concluded that her husband had better be a wordsmith. I know of another who is satisfied with a loaded card even if her man hardly comes home. We have no right to judge and each person should be free to select as they require.

What leads to disappointment in marriage is picking a partner who only brings the icing to the table. Marrying a lady who dresses like Jessica from Suits to work and like Beyonce to parties is usually a nice icing. But I am not sure many a man will consider that the cake. Unfortunately, some will get so blown away by the sexiness and select based on that whilst the cake is sadly absent- no substance, no morals, disrespectful and entitled.

In my opinion, as I was quick to tell her, Folafunmi has not yet met The One because I don’t feel her needs will be understood by either option she presented to me. What I recommended to her is the following:

1. Pray to God to reveal your true self to you.
2. You need to know what vacuum you have and what is required to fill that i.e. your weaknesses. You also need to know the good stuff you are high in supply of i.e. your strengths.
3. You need to know what you really truly like and what you cannot stand or handle and once you discover these, you must respect yourself enough to choose a partner who does not exemplify everything you loathe about life. You are all for women empowerment, what on earth are you doing with a man who believes he is marrying so that his wife can take care of his needs…

Once you break your needs into the ‘major’ and the ‘minor’ i.e. the cake and the icing, you will enjoy a choice made from a focus on the cake/major and less consideration given to the minor. I considered height a major (yes, stone me!) and as silly as that sounded to most people, I didn’t compromise in that regard. I’m 5′ 9.5″ and I love high heels and I love to be able to look up at my man. I wrote about it once here and also here . So there was just no marrying a short man for me.

I hope this post has enlightened someone and reminded another about the important things in life. No one should put himself/herself through the torture of enduring a marriage. It is not worth it at all. You will suffer and also the partner you compromise for will suffer because no matter how hard you try to stifle your needs, they will show up and lead to bitterness and resentment. Conversely, when a person tells you things about themselves that do not align with your own cake, respect them and their wishes and keep walking. No use forcing a person into becoming your cake when they really have not very much in common with you.

***

It’s absolutely amazing to be back blogging. Its been too long and I’m not gonna make any more excuses (Please if you know a website developer, send their email as a comment. Thank you). New facts since I was here last:

6 months pregnant
6 months pregnant

IMG_5172

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9 months pregnant
9 months pregnant

9.5 months. Same outfit
9.5 months. Same outfit

-I am a mommy now to the most adorable little human
-Pregnancy is 10 months not 9 lol!
-Pregnancy, labour and delivery were not a walk in the park. Hugs for mothers
-I returned to work when my son was 10 weeks
-I work in the most AMAZING organisation with the most mother friendly policies EVER as I leave work at 2 and can carry on working from home
-Exclusive breastfeeding is not for the feeble hearted.
-My pieces will revolve a lot around my pregnancy days, mommyhood and being a young wife and mom (balancing the duties when your son seems to take over your existence)
-Banishing fear and letting others take care of him whilst I am away
-Losing the baby weight
-Getting my career back with a vengeance and staying relevant at work

Thanks to all who keep checking on me! I am back! God bless you.

Temiville.xoxo

temi Written by:

27 Comments

  1. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Whoosh! Welcome back!

    I just ran straight to the “last paragraph” and I saw your delightful news, I’m still smiling.

    Congratulations, I wish you lots of happiness during this journey to motherhood.

    Ok, I’m going back to read this post properly 😀

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      LOL at ran. Thanks. Hope you have read it now sha and will drop your thoughts…

      • July 14, 2015
        Reply

        Hello Temi,

        Thank you for providing clarity on active vs. passive relationship deal breakers. People often confuse the two.

        I suppose “Someone who complements you” should be the underlying factor when choosing The One.

        “weddinging” made me chuckle.

  2. Akpevwe
    July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Yeah she is back!!! Welcome back dear. Congrats on the baby. Can’t wait for the other posts.

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      Thanks Akpevwe. I really appreciate it. Im so happy to be back and shall be way more consistent.

  3. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    The cake and the icing,!! I love that analogy and it gives perspective to choosing “the one” . The icing alone will cause jedijedi but eaten with the cake you will be fine 🙂

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! God bless and keep him, all that you both need to take of him, the Lord will provide. May He strengthen you and may the joy he’s brought into your lives never end.

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      Amen! Lol @ Jedi Jedi but yet so true. Thanks for the prayers. We receive!

  4. tmkamson
    July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Wow welcome back and congratulations. Missed your blogging and yes breast feeding isn’t for the faint hearted.
    http://www.secretlilies.com

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      Thanks! Im glad to be back. Thanks for reading.

  5. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Congratulations on the baby! Olorun a wo o. It’s great to have you back. I was just thinking today that it’s been a while since I read any of your blog posts. Nice comeback. God bless you

  6. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Awww.. Welcome back Temi. I hope you stay this time. Congratulations on the bundle, Olorun a dasi l’oruko Jesu.

    Funny thing, I was looking at my wordpress subscriptions which day and I was thinking of unfollowing your blog cos I thought you had stopped but I just couldn’t do it. I’m so glad I didn’t.

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      Thanks IBK. I will be way more consistent. Thank you for not unfollowing!!! Lol…

  7. Oyindamola
    July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Congrats on the birth of ur son…..looking forward to reading more frequently on the blog now. And here’s the email address of a very good website developer I know: kehindeolateru@gmail.com

    • July 14, 2015
      Reply

      Thank you so much. I shall reveal all very shortly. God bless

  8. jae
    July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Was so glad when I saw ur post and yay!!! Beautiful news, congratulations!!! Thank God for you, I tap into this blessing, my marriage and babies roll-in now in Jesus name. *hugs*

    • July 19, 2015
      Reply

      This went to SPAM!!! So sorry. Thanks a lot Jae!

  9. Dee
    July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Congratulations! What a pleasant surprise! Olorun a wo o! And welcome back. Hope to read more from you

  10. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Welcome back Temi. Missed your posts. You can reach Chisom at hello@oacds.com . He designed mine (www.boxofficejournal.com)

  11. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    its been forever. congrats and welcome back!!!

  12. July 14, 2015
    Reply

    Fabulous news!!! Congratulations to you and your husband:) May God bless and keep your family in Jesus’ name.

  13. July 15, 2015
    Reply

    Congrats on your baby! Looking forward to more posts then! x

  14. September 2, 2015
    Reply

    Congrats Temi! I’m so happy for you.
    Congrats to you and hubs.
    May your son bring joy and happiness into your lives.

  15. January 6, 2016
    Reply

    This post has answered a rhetorical question I’ve had in my heart for a while now…. There’s the icing and the cake…..Ascertain the majors and the minors

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